


Bloodsport

by OurAlaska



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Forced Marriage, M/M, Possible smut, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2018-09-24 12:23:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9726764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OurAlaska/pseuds/OurAlaska
Summary: '"You understand?" A booming voice cut off Michonne short, he could hear the smirk in his voice. "I'm not sure Rick does."Rick wasn't sure he did either. Even before the walkers, back before the world went to shit, he met his fair share of deranged lunatics. Negan made them all seem like child's play.'Rick ends up going back home with Negan after the incident in the woods. Slowly but surely, his captivity begins to feel less like captivity and more like home. Rick soon learns he can feel more for Negan than just hatred, and learns just how much it can tear him apart that he could feel anything more for him.





	1. The proposal

"Rick, I want you to take that axe, cut your son's left arm off right on that line."

Rick could hear Negan continue to speak, but it just sounded like static in the background.  
No, not this. Anything but maiming his own child. 

"..then Carl dies, then the people back home die.."

He shook his head. No, no, this couldn't be happening, not after Abraham and Glenn, surely not even Negan would be this sick?

"..you don't have to do this, we understand-"

Michonne. Strong Michonne, brave Michonne. Even staring at her very likely end, still thinking of others, still thinking of Rick and Carl. How could he have let them get into this situation? He had thought Negan no worse than any of the horrors they had faced in this new world, yet the events of the night had made him realise just how direly wrong he had been.

"You understand?" A booming voice cut off Michonne short, he could hear the smirk in his voice. "I'm not sure Rick does."

Rick wasn't sure he did either. Even before the walkers, back before the world went to shit, he met his fair share of deranged lunatics. Negan made them all seem like child's play. Negan continued to speak, his voice way too happy for a man commanding that he cut his own sons arm off, going into detail about how to best do it. Bile rose in Rick's throat, and he began to rock on the spot.

"Rick," he knelt down beside him, "This needs to happen now.."  
Does this sick monster think that a decision like this would come easy to him? Suddenly, Negan offers a far worse punishment - Carl's head beaten in by that damn bat. The image of Abraham and Glenn flash through his mind again, he can hear someone babbling.

"I-It can be me, it can be me,"

Shit, was that his voice? When did he start to sound so broken? He didn't know, and he didn't care.

"You can do it to me, I-I can go..with you.." Tears began to well up in his eyes, after everything tonight, not Carl.

"No. This is the only way."

No, no, no! This can't be the only way!

"Rick, pick up the axe."

Negan continued to chastise him about the consequences of his actions, or rather, lack of. He shook helplessly, he couldn't maim his only son. But he couldn't watch his friends meet such a gruesome end. A sob escaped his throat.

"God, are you gonna make me count?"

The sobs came out louder, he stared into his friends eyes, and saw in them a look of defeat. Negan's voice continued to boom, and Rick did what he never thought he would do - he begged.

"Please..!" Rick sobbed, looking at his son, one of the last things he had in this world,

"It can be me, please!" he rocked on the spot, his composure cracked the moment he sobbed. A strong hand slapped him across the face, he barely registered it. Not his son. Not Carl. The sobs continued to rattle out of his chest, his jaw now held in a vice like grip. He looked up into Negan's eyes, he could still see a hint of amusement. 

"This is it." Rick screamed. He couldn't do this.

"One!" He had to do this.

He grabbed the axe, holding Carl's hand. He remembered back to cutting off Hershel's leg, how easily it had come to him. He had been saving Hershel's life then - did it count as saving their lives now if he cut off Carl's arm? Another scream tore through his throat as he raised the axe.

Negan knelt down beside him, "You answer to me," that smirk was still on his face. "You provide for me," he took the axe from Rick's hand, "You belong to me." Rick stared at him for a second, what was going on? Why was he taking the axe away? Another mind game. Confusion turned to anger.

"You sick son of a bitch!" he launched himself at Negan, throwing a feeble attempt of a punch. Negan brushed him away easily enough, standing up and giving him a kick to the stomach for his efforts. He stared down at Rick as he gasped for air, terror washing over him again anew, this was it, he had killed them all. He could feel all eyes on him. 

Negan began to laugh. All eyes now on him, he continued to laugh, clutching his side,  
"Man, even after all of this, you still have the gonads to pull that shit? I don't know if you're brave, or stupid, or a fuckin' mixture of both," He tossed the axe in the air as he mused, his eyes on Rick the entire time. "Whatever you are, this simply will not do. Simon?" He gestured to the rest of Rick's group, "I want you to accompany these fine people home, pick someone to relive Rick here of his post." Negan looked down at Rick, still laying on the floor gasping, and simply smiled, "Looks like you got your wish, you're coming home with me."

\---

It had been three weeks since the events in the woods. Rick stared up at the ceiling, his eyes tracing over the various marks on the tiles. He had some old magazines, but he must've read each of them half a dozen times since he had been upgraded to this room a week ago. Upgraded, being a loose term. When he had first arrived at the sanctuary he had been unceremoniously tossed into a concrete box of a room, no windows, no bed, nothing. The first couple of days, Rick had raged and lashed out at anyone who dared to open the door, so much so he had heard some of the saviours joke how he was more beast than man. In those first days he felt it - a caged animal, poked and prodded for others amusement. It didn't take long for them to tire of the aggression, however, and a thinly veiled threat was hissed through the door on the fifth day, about maybe Carl could stay with him too, they would fetch him for Rick - piece by piece. That soon put an end to Rick's outbursts and subordination, and he was soon allowed into a proper room. It was simplistic, it held only a cot, a small set of drawers with a few items of clothing for a man a couple of sizes larger than Rick, a handful of decrepit magazines and a toilet and sink. Rick was just grateful for the toilet, pissing in a bucket that was never cleaned got old real quick.

His mind wandered, as it often did these days. He wondered how things were going in Alexandria, how his group were all coping. He thought of Carl and Judith, and whilst he knew Michonne was more than capable of keeping them safe, whenever they crossed his mind anxiety for their safety buried into the pit of his stomach. More times than he cared to admit the events of three weeks ago replayed in his mind, every gruesome detail forever burned in his head. Some nights he swore his could still hear the sickening thuds of Negan's bat against Abraham's head, that man was a tough son of a bitch to the last breath. Thinking of Glenn, there with him since the beginning of all this, of his last gurgled words.. Rick had sobbed more over than these past three weeks than he had in probably his entire life. On some days his mind turned morbid, and he wondered if any of them were even alive still, whether Negan had followed through with his threat of allowing everyone Rick cared about to die first, before killing him, eventually.

Rick focused on a vaguely interesting swirl on tile 17. Why was he still alive? He had defied Negan. Hell, he had taken a swing at him, however pitiful it was. Glenn had suffered the consequences for an assault on Negan, so why was Rick still here? Why had he become the exception to 'no exceptions'? Maybe that was it - this was his punishment. Locked in various different concrete cells, the only human interaction being when his meals were delivered to him at odd hours. He had to give it to them - they at least put in the effort to thoroughly mind fuck him. The only thing that broke up the monotony of his days were sleep, but when you're largely inactive, sleep comes to you in dribs and drabs.

His eyes were torn away from tile 29 by the groan of his door being opened. He cast a lazy glance in the direction of the door, before his blood ran cold. In he walked, bat slung over his shoulder, with that same damn smug look.

"Hey, Rick, how you enjoying your new room?" Rick remained silent, trying to sit up in his cot as calmly as he could, even with every single one of his nerves screaming at him to panic. Negan closed the door behind him, leaning on the set of drawers and continued to speak, either not registering or not caring that Rick never answered him.

"Now, I've had a very big problem on my plate. Yes I have. And that, Rick, is what to do with you." Negan swung his bat down and pointed it at Rick. He tried his best to supress a shudder running through him with that damned bat pointed far too close to his skull. "And I've thought about it, long and hard. Killing you seemed like the easiest option, but it also led to the problem of your group getting ideas about avengin' you and shit, and that is just too much hassle.. Then I thought, fuck it, I'll just kill his group!" He paused, giving Rick a side glance and smirk. Rick gripped the edge of the cot, his knuckles turning white. "But why would I get rid of a group with so much potential?" Rick let out a small sigh of relief, at least they were still safe back home. "But it still leaves me with the question, what do I do with you?" He cocked his head, holding his tongue between his teeth the way he did for emphasis. "And of course, it left me with only one scenario. An alliance, of sorts." A small smirk played on Negan's lips, Rick's frowned back.

"An alliance..?" His voice was barely a croak, he couldn't remember the last time he had used it properly since being at the Sanctuary. Negan's smirk broke into a grin, and he replied,  
"Yeah, Rick, an alliance. Done by the oldest way in the book." When Rick simply stared at him, he laughed, like Rick hadn't got in on the whole big joke. "Through marriage of course! I want you to be my husband, for better or for worse." Rick just continued to stare at him, the words not quite registering with him. He kept waiting for Negan to burst out laughing, but his eyes just cooly met Rick's with that same damn smug smile that seemed to always be on his face.  
"What's your game here?" Rick finally broke the silence, Negan simply shrugged.  
"No game here, if you're waiting for a punch line - there ain't one." Negan knelt down, allowing himself to be eye to eye with Rick, "Marry me, and your people won't suffer, as long as they behave and obey. Hell, I'll even sweeten the deal and only have my men do pick ups fortnightly." his voice was weirdly soft, somehow even when he was trying to be nice it only put Rick on edge more. "All you have to do is say yes."  
Rick swallowed, his mouth feeling like cotton, "And if I refuse?" Negan shrugged his shoulders, "Then my men continue to do weekly pick ups on your people's shit, and you continue to sit in this room." He got up off of his haunches and walked to the door, calling over his shoulder, "You've got the rest of the day to mull over my offer, we head to Alexandria tomorrow." Negan gave him one last smirk, before shutting the door behind him, the silence engulfing Rick.


	2. No getting out of this

The door to his room creaked open, Dwight poking his head inside.  
"Get up, it's time to go."  
Wringing his hands, Rick obeyed, following Dwight down the corridor as his stomach did somersaults. He had done as Negan had said and mulled over his offer, if it could even really be called an offer. The thought of it disgusted him, having anything to do with that man, especially something like marriage. Added on top of the fact Rick had zero sexual interest in men, let alone the man who murdered two of his own, the proposal was hardly ideal. But on the flipside, fortnightly pick ups instead of weekly ones would help them back at home, with half of their stuff being taken with every pick up, Rick could only imagine how their supplies had been crippled over the past weeks. Rick thought of Carl and Judith, he hadn't seen either of them, had no idea what was going on with them, if they were okay, if they were safe… Rick needed to see them, even if it was just to say goodbye. Negan could dress this up however he wanted, but he knew he hadn't laid an offer down on the table - he had laid an order.

Dwight led him outside, the sunlight nearly blinding him after the weeks in dingy concrete cells. A strong hand grabbed his shoulder, "I take it you've considered my offer?" He tensed under Negan's grasp, giving him a curt nod. Clapping him on the back, Negan grinned at him "Good! Then your chariot awaits, my beloved." he gestured grandly to the van in front of them. Rick's legs felt like lead as they walked, and he couldn't tell if his face was burning from the sunlight, or all of Negan's people staring at him.  
"When we get to Alexandria, I'll give you a lil time to get yourself cleaned up, 'cause you are looking and smelling gross as shit right now." He opened up the door for Rick, "I also don't want your people missing our big day." Rick wanted nothing more than to reach out and smack that shit eating grin from Negan's face, just the mere sight of this man was enough to infuriate him. But he knew better, and instead found himself meekly climbing into the van without a word.

The drive to Alexandria passed without incident, for the most part Rick was ignored as Negan and Dwight conversed. The closer they got to home, the more on edge Rick became. How was he supposed to walk in there, face the people he effectively abandoned, to tell them he was shacking up with their enemy and leaving them again? How could he leave his kids behind again?  
They pulled up to the gates, he would soon find out.  
Jumping out of the van, Negan rattled Lucille along the gate, it opened almost instantaneously. Negan strutted in, nodding to whoever it was behind the gate, "Damn, service is getting good 'round here! Didn't even make me ask." Rick had enough time to spy Spencer behind the gate as the van drove in, not even mildly surprised he would be the first to start creeping as far up the Saviours asses as he could. Negan looked into the van, spying Rick sinking as low as he could in his seat, he beckoned him out with a finger. Like a beaten dog, Rick obeyed, shuffling out of the van and standing a few feet from Negan, his eyes firmly set on the ground. With his famous grin, Negan addressed the crowd that had now surrounded them.  
"Looks like the word got round about todays big news!" His arm wrapped around Rick's waist, "Without further ado, let me introduce my blushing new husband-to-be. I'm sure some of you know him." Rick could feel everyone's gaze on him, most of all Negan's. He didn't know if he was looking for a reaction, but if he was Rick didn't intend to satisfy him with one. "I expect to all see you at the church, to help us celebrate this, truly, awesome day." He beckoned Dwight over, releasing his grip on Rick, "Please escort Rick to go get cleaned up, I want him scrubbed up well for the photos." Dwight nodded, giving Rick a small shove to get him walking. He raised his head and saw everyone staring at him like he had risen from the dead, he could understand why they felt that way, he had thought at one point he was dead too.  
He began to walk and the crowd cleared for him, Dwight followed close behind, he tried his best to ignore everyone's stares and just focused on getting home, getting back into his house and seeing his kids.

His house came into sight, and his pace quickened. He hadn't seen Carl or Michonne in the crowd, anxiety burned through his veins as to what had stopped them from being there. Jogging up the steps, he swung the door open and was greeted to Carl and Michonne in the kitchen, them looking just as shocked as everyone else to see him.  
"Rick?" Was all Michonne could get out, she started towards him before spotting Dwight in his shadow on the porch.  
"What are you doing here?" She murmured, her eyes on Dwight and the gun in his hands, Rick ran a hand through his hair, "Is there any chance I could have a word with them, y'know, in private?" Dwight considered it for a moment, briefly looking like he was going to argue. He pulled a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, "I'm gonna have a smoke, and by the time I'm done, your ass better be in a shower." Rick nodded, pushing the door up enough that he could at least pretend they had some privacy. Michonne walked around and embraced him, Rick melting into her arms as she spoke "I thought you were gone for sure." Rick wished Negan had been that merciful. He looked over at Carl, who just stared at him for a while.  
"I thought you were dead." Was all he managed to say, Rick pulled away from Michonne, walked over to Carl and pulled him into a tight embrace, tears welling up in his eyes. Carl pretty much reached his chin, he was on the cusp of manhood, but in Rick's eyes he would always be a boy. Michonne watched him, not knowing what to do with this ghost stood in the kitchen.  
"Rick, what's going on? Why are you here?" Rick held onto Carl for a moment longer, before letting go and setting off for the stairs.  
"I gotta get ready." Michonne followed him up the stairs, Carl following shortly behind her.  
"For what?" Rick entered the bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the bed.  
"For my wedding day." He couldn't help but spit the words out, his eyes fixed at the window, "Negan finally decided what to do with me." He could feel Carl's gaze burning into him, and could only imagine what he was thinking. Michonne, calm as always, knelt in front of Rick, taking his hands into hers.  
"Rick, you don't have to do this," Rick barked out a laugh, shaking his head,  
"Yeah, I do. He said if I agreed he would only do pick ups every two weeks, it's not much, but it's something.." He looked into Michonne's eyes, "I just wanna keep you guys safe, he promised you guys won't suffer if I did this." Before Michonne could even speak, Carl snapped from the doorway.  
"You're gonna believe anything that comes out of that guys mouth? Dad, he killed Glenn and Abraham! You can't do this!" Rick could understand Carl's frustration, and kept his voice level.  
"In a minute or so, Dwight will be up those stairs. We don't have time to think of a solution, there is no getting out of this. I couldn't save Glenn or Abraham, but I can still keep you safe. I don't expect you to understand what I'm doing, Carl, but please understand why I'm doing it." Rick watched Carl's face soften ever so slightly, but the world coming to an end would not stop a teenager thinking he knew what's best, so he stood at the door sullenly. Rick looked to Michonne, "Where's Judith?" Michonne smiled,  
"She's with Olivia, me and Carl had thought it best that she wasn't around us when the saviours came." Rick nodded, it was a smart move, the last thing any of them needed was Judith becoming leverage, but it was still bittersweet to know her safety came at the cost of Rick not seeing her.  
Footsteps up the stairs, time was up. Rick got up and ran a hand over his face, "Would you mind packing some clothes for me, please?"  
Michonne nodded, "Leave it with me." He gave her a smile, it was supposed to be thankful, but sadness tinged it too much. He got into the shower before Dwight could cuss him out, or Rick lose the composure he was fighting so hard to keep.

Dwight practically frog marched Rick to the small church. Rick tugged at his collar, he had elected to go for a standard smart shirt and some dark jeans. Hardly formal, but since his groom was sporting a leather jacket, he decided maybe it was best to forget tradition. Michonne was trailing behind with Rick's bag, wearing her infamous scowl that seemed to be her resting face. Carl hadn't needed much convincing to not come, apparently the idea of watching his father marry a complete monster didn't really appeal to him. Before Rick had set off for the church, he pulled Carl into his arms, nuzzling his nose into his head the way he had when he was a baby. He breathed in Carl, and wondered what he could say that could even begin to convey everything Rick needed to tell him, but no one ever teaches you how to say goodbye. In the end, he settled for the simple.  
"I love you. Please, stay safe."  
Walking down the aisle of the church, felt more like walking up to the executioners block. He briefly mused how odd he felt being the one walking the aisle, remembering how when he had married Lori all those years ago, he couldn't help but turn around and take a peak. When she had smiled at him, beaming in her white dress that she had painstakingly sought for months, he couldn't help but feel his heart quicken as he beamed back at her. Negan turned and grinned at him, Rick's heart quickened again, but no smile adorned his face. A terrified looking Father Gabriel stood at the front, his terror most likely stemming from a very stern looking Simon stood behind him.  
Rick took his side by Negan, trying to ignore his gaze, electing instead to stare slightly to the left of Father Gabriel's head. The ceremony itself was a slightly abridged affair, for which Rick was thankful for, he never thought he'd long more for the solitary of his concrete cell but it certainly beat the judging stares he was receiving presently.  
"In the eyes of these good people, by the power vested in me it is with great pleasure I pronounce you partners in marriage, you may now kiss." Rick couldn't help but notice Father Gabriel's slight pause at the word 'pleasure'. Even though Rick knew he shouldn't, a small part of him did find it vaguely amusing seeing him in more discomfort than Rick himself. A rough hand took Rick's face, turning it to face Negan's. His tongue flicked out to lick his lower lip, before leaning in and placing a short, but surprisingly soft kiss onto Rick's lips. The Saviors began to clap, a few of the people of Alexandria joined in, most just stood staring at their old fearless leader. All Rick could do was hang his head, allowing Negan to take him by the hand and lead him back to the van, whistling a tune only he seemed to know.

Back at the Sanctuary, Negan once again took Rick by the hand, leading him well past the corridors that led to his room. Rick was confused, but followed nevertheless, he wasn't in the mood to argue. Negan led them further from the usual bustle of the halls he was used to, eventually leading him to the last door at the end of a quiet row. Pulling a key out of his pocket, he unlocked the door and led them in, Rick dragging slightly behind Negan. Rick did a once over of the room he had been led into. It wasn't the largest of rooms, but compared to what he had experienced the past few weeks it felt practically like a studio apartment. A double bed sat in the corner behind the door, a set of drawers pushed up on the same wall, a small table with two chairs sat under the window (Rick noticing the window had thick bars in front of it), a book shelf sat against the far wall by another door, Rick assumed leading to a bathroom. A basket had been left on top of the table, Negan walked over and produced two bottles of beer and a bottle opener. He cracked them both open and handed one to Rick as he took a seat on the end of the bed. He gestured to the bookshelf offhandedly.  
"I didn't know if you were a big reader, I can always get a tv put in here if you prefer." Rick stood dumbly in the middle of the floor, the only words he seemed to be able to get out were barely a mumble.  
"This room is for me?" Negan smirked back at Rick.  
"You didn't think I'd make you stay in that dirty old cot? I'll have you know I treat my spouses very well." He took a swig of his beer, savouring the flavour for a second before he gestured to Rick. "For damn sake Rick at least sit, you look awkward as hell just stood there warming that bottle in your hand." Rick took one of the chairs from the table and sat opposite from Negan, taking a small swig of beer as he tried to look everywhere but at Negan. He hated the way he looked at him, always with that cocky smirk, eyes gleaming with mirth at a joke Rick hadn't quite got yet. They sat there for a while, Rick had a thousand things going through his head, but he didn’t even know where to begin.  
Eventually, reluctantly, Rick looked up and faced Negan. The light coming through the window lit up half of his face, catching giving his eyes an amber glint to them. He looked back coolly at Rick, taking another swig of his beer, "You're awfully quiet over there." Rick looked away, he wanted nothing more than for Negan to go and Rick be left alone with his own thoughts. Rick took another sip of the warm beer, yet his mouth still felt dry.  
"What happens now?" Negan gave a nonchalant shrug.  
"I finish my beer, then bend you over this bed and fuck you senseless." Rick choked on his swig, his eyes wide. Negan held his stare for a moment, before breaking into a big grin, "Shiiit Rick, lighten the fuck up! I'm just messing around." Negan moved over to the chair by the table, drained the bottle in his hand and proceeded to crack open another, "I'll find you something to do around here, my wives mainly sit around looking pretty and waiting on me, but I don't think that's your style…as much as I'd love to see you lounge about in a pretty little dress," Rick glared at Negan, who in returned just smiled, his tongue flicking out to lick his bottom lip. He continued, "But what happens right now? Well, that's up to you. As much as I'd love to consumate this marriage and bang your brains out on that bed, I ain't no rapist. So if you'd rather have a wholesome evening of playing dominoes and reading, then I'll respect that." Rick eyed him for a moment, what reason did he really have to trust his word? He drained his beer,  
"How do I know you're telling the truth?" For a brief moment, Rick swore he saw anger flash through Negan's eyes. His voice was steady as he replied,  
"Rick, if I had wanted to, you'd already be on that damn bed and I'd be balls deep in you. I'm not like that, you're just gonna have to take my word for it, 'cause that's all I fucking got." Then as quick as that, the anger was gone. He drained the beer in his hand, and smiled at Rick, "So, my beloved, how do you like your room?" Rick gave a shrug,  
"As long as there is a functioning shower behind that door I'm happy." Negan laughed like it was the funniest joke in the world. Rick rubbed a hand over his face, the entire room was cast in a red haze as the sun began to set. It wasn't particularly late, but mentally he was drained.  
"If it's alright with you, I'm gonna get some sleep." Rick hoped that would perhaps be enough of a cue for Negan to take his leave. Negan nodded, shrugging his jacket off onto the back of the chair.  
"You look like you could use it, those cots aren't fit for sleeping on." Rick bit back the retort of neither was concrete, which Negan had had his 'beloved' sleep on for the first two weeks. Rick stood up and began to unbutton his shirt, before he thought better of it. Nudity in itself didn't bother him, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to be nude around a man that forced him to marry him. Negan, on the other hand, had no problems with nudity, stripping down to just his boxers and shirt. He began to climb into bed, looking up at Rick with a smirk, "You gonna stand and sleep like some damn horse? Stop being such a fucking child Rick and just get ready for bed, I ain't gonna pounce on you in the night."  
He hesitated for a few more moments, before taking off his shirt and jeans, carefully climbing into the bed as to not get too close to Negan. True to his word, Negan stayed on his side of the bed, as Rick fell into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must admit, this is the first time in a long time that I've written something with the intention of posting it for other people to read, so please feel free to highlight any problems with my writing!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as I'm enjoying writing it~


	3. Bonding

Rick's eyes fluttered open, he was still groggy from sleep but was desperate for a drink. He laid in bed, trying to ignore his throat feeling like sandpaper, when he noticed a dim light by the table. Surely it wasn't sunrise already? He cast a lazy look over, noticing Negan sat at the table, book in hand. Rick watched him, his face was almost serene, licking a thumb to turn over the page, half of his face illuminated in a warm glow from the lantern on the table. Negan looked up, a slightly surprised look on his face.  
"Shit, I didn't wake you, did I?" Rick shook his head, stifling a yawn as he replied,  
"No, just thirsty." Without a word, Negan put down the book, went into the bathroom and got Rick a glass of water, bringing it to the bedside. Rick gratefully took it, downing the entire glass as Negan returned to his book. Rick gazed at him, in this glow, with his hair all mussed up he almost looked like a different man.  
"What are you doing awake?" Rick asked, Negan gave him a cursory glance, before returning to his book.  
"Sometimes I can't sleep, so I read." He turned a page, and murmured softly, "Go back to sleep, Rick. We've got shit to do tomorrow and I want you well rested." He looked up from his book and gave Rick a small smile, and just for a moment, Rick forgot who Negan was to him. He settled back into a deep sleep.

Rick woke that morning and discovered to his horror that Negan was a morning person. Rick desperately tried to bury his head under his pillow, but nothing could block out Negan's bellowing from the shower - he refused to call it singing.  
A towel launched at Rick soon had him drag his head out from under his pillow. Negan stood there, a towel wrapped around his waist. Rick couldn't help but notice just how lean Negan was, underneath his dark chest hair he could see every curve of every muscle, making even something as simple as drying his hair seem graceful. He realised a second too late how long he had been staring at Negan, his eyes looked up to meet his and saw it hadn't gone unnoticed. Negan's tongue flicked out onto his lower lip, he smirked at Rick.  
"You checking me out, Rick? I don't fucking blame you, I am a god damn handsome man." He nodded his head down to the towel he had thrown at Rick, "C'mon, get up. Get washed and ready, we've got a big day." He began rummaging through the drawers, looking up at Rick with a wink, "Unless you'd like to admire me a little bit more, my beloved." Rick rolled his eyes, muttering a few choice words as he slammed himself into the bathroom.  
He locked the door as soon as it clicked shut, resting his forehead on the door for a few moments. Rick had never been a morning person, having to spend it with an overly chirpy lunatic quite frankly just did not appeal. He ran a hand over his face, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and turning the shower on, letting it run for a few seconds before stepping in. The water was slightly cool, but he didn't mind, if anything it was a far more gentle way of coming into the world than Negan's bathroom karaoke. Rick pushed his hair out of his face, his hands clutched at his neck, rubbing his tense muscles. Eyes closed, he cherished the serenity of the moment, they were seldom in this new world.  
A loud bang came from the door, pulling Rick from his relaxation. Negan's voice boomed through the door.  
"Hurry the fuck up Rick! You're worse than a damn woman." Rick gritted his teeth as he shut the water off. He wrapped a towel around himself and walked into the next room, Negan was sprawled on the bed, looking at his wrist for dramatic effect as he drawled.  
"Do you always take this long to get ready?" he looked up at Rick and teased, "When pricks started raising from the dead did you ask them to wait so you could do your hair first?" Rick stalked over to the dresser drawers, he had always prided himself on his patience and composure, even with the most difficult of people, but god damn if he didn't want to smack Negan just for the crime of even being in the same air space as him. He pulled out a set of clothes, he looked down at his towel, then back to Negan.  
"Turn around." Negan lifted his head from the bed, giving him a quizzical look,  
"Rick, at some point we're gonna see each other naked."  
Not likely, Rick thought to himself, "That point isn't today, turn around, please." He expected Negan to tease him, or roll his eyes, some small way of belittling him. Instead, he just shrugged, swinging his legs off of the bed and facing the wall. Rick quickly threw his clothes on, not wanting to give Negan enough time to sneak a peak. He cleared his throat once he was dressed, Negan looked over his shoulder and gave Rick the once over, before jumping to his feet.  
"Right, now you're finally ready, follow me." Negan held the door open for Rick, gesturing grandly. Rick simply frowned at him.  
"Where are we going?" Negan just grinned that infamous shit eating grin.  
"Well, we've gotta get you acquainted with your new home, don't we?"

They walked along the corridors of the sanctuary, hand in hand. It would almost be romantic, if it wasn't for the bat in Negan's other hand, or the grimace on Rick's face. Rick had tried to refuse, Negan had however insisted. He started off jovial, saying how Rick should be happy to be on the arm of the most powerful man in this state. When Rick had remained unmoved, his face turned serious for a moment, reminding Rick he will accommodate almost all of Rick's requests, all he was asking was for Rick to hold his damn hand. Rick took his hand, but begrudgingly thought to himself Negan never asked for things, he simply ordered them.  
He led Rick around, showing him various rooms and having various Saviors feign polite hellos to him, to Rick the Sanctuary just merged into one endless concrete maze. He thought he'd be okay after his stint in the prison, but living in Alexandria had spoiled him, he was far too used to the normality living in an actual house provided him. Negan continued to speak at Rick.  
"As my spouse, you're allowed certain privileges. Everyone here works on a point based system - you don't, if you want it, you get it. Normally my spouses don't work, but I get the feeling you'll get itchy feet just sat around, so I'll find a job suitable for my beloved husband." There was something about when Negan called him 'beloved' that made his skin crawl, the shit eating grin that accompanied it probably didn't help. "For the most part you're welcome to go where ever you want, but you can't leave here, I don't know if I can trust you to come back.." Negan stopped in his tracks, they were stood in one of the various stair wells that this building held. Negan took Rick's chin into his hand, firmly tilting his head to his direction. "All of my wives are with me by choice. I only ask one thing - you do not cheat on me, you hear me?" The sudden serious turn took Rick by surprise, he never thought someone with such a harem of women would be so against infidelity. Rick chalked it up to being a typical control freak. He just nodded, clearly appeasing Negan when his chin was released.  
"Good! Now we've got that shit out of the way, time for you to meet your fellow spouses."

The next room Negan led Rick into was one of the few rooms in this place that actually seemed to be decorated. Inside, several women milled about or sat with drinks, all of them clad in black dresses that did not cover up enough skin for Rick's liking. Negan pulled him in, grinning as he led him in front and centre.  
"Ladies! As I'm sure you've heard, I've married again," He snaked an arm around Rick's waist, it took everything in him not to flinch away from the invasion of his personal space. "This is Rick, I'm sure I can ask you guys to take good care of him whilst I get on today." Rick looked up at Negan with a frown.  
"I thought you said you would get me working?" Negan shrugged,  
"I still gotta figure out what would be right for you, something where I can keep an eye on you." He gave Rick's waist a quick squeeze, before letting go and starting to walk away. Rick spun around on the spot,  
"So you're just leaving me here?" Negan looked at him over he shoulder from the doorway.  
"I'm a busy man, Rick! Running this place leaves me with a lot of shit to do. I'll be back for dinner, in the meantime, make friends." He gave Rick one last grin before walking off. Rick looked around the room, one or two of Negan's wives were watching him, but for the most past Negan's wives barely seemed to register his presence.  
Rick went and stood against the wall by a window. He had no idea what time it was, he guessed late morning at best, but he knew he couldn't just stand here looking pretty until dinner time. Frustration built up inside of him, he was used to doing things, being proactive, if anything anytime he tried to lounge around and relax when back home he would get itchy feet.  
A figure appeared beside him holding a drink out to him. He looked at the person offering it, one of Negan's wives.  
"Isn't it a little bit early to be drinking?" She shrugged,  
"Probably." Rick took it anyway, she leaned against the wall next to him, nursing her own drink. "So, how are you finding things?" Her voice sounded hollow, her brown eyes gazing at nothing in particular.  
"I'm finding things...boring." She laughed, but it still sounded hollow, and it didn't reach her eyes.  
"Yeah, you'll find that, there's a lot of standing around waiting for Negan when you're one of his wives." Her eyes flicked up at Rick, "Or husband, in your case." Rick looked around the room, the women in this room varied in ethnicity, age, body type…Rick had to be fair to him, Negan did not discriminate. They all wore the same sort of black dress, and almost all of them just seemed devoid.  
"Is this what you do, everyday?" Rick asked, rolling the glass in his hands. She shrugged again, eyes still focused on some faraway place.  
"Pretty much. I would say it's not so bad, but I've never been one to just sit around and do nothing all day." She looked up at Rick, "What about you? You don't look like you're one to just sit around either." Rick looked out of the window, the sun warming his face. He shook his head.  
"I'd give anything to be out there." She took the glass out of his hand, putting it on the bar.  
"That makes two of us. I'm going for a smoke, wanna come?" Rick nodded, following her out of the room, she looked over her shoulder, "I'm Sherry, by the way."

Sherry led Rick through the maze of corridors, seeming to know which ones would be less populated, allowing them to walk without the gaze of other saviors. She got to a heavy steel door, Dwight stood by it. She looked at him, then looked away. "Let us through, Dwight." He simply shook his head, also avoiding her gaze.  
"I can't do that, Negan wants that one staying close by." He pointed at Rick. Sherry stayed looking through Dwight, focusing on the door behind him.  
"I'm just going for a smoke, he ain't gonna run, are you, Rick?" She looked over her shoulder at him. The thought had crossed his mind, but realistically he wouldn't be able to go back to Alexandria, it would be the first place Negan checked. Rick nodded his head, Sherry turned back to Dwight and raised her eyebrows. Sullenly, he opened the door for them, mumbling to Sherry to be quick.  
Stepping outside, the hot air hit them straight away. They were stood on some sort of platform, with a flight of stairs leading down to the ground below. Sherry sat down on the edge of the platform, her legs hanging off the edge. She reached between her breasts, pulling out a crushed packet of cigarettes and a lighter. She took one out, holding it between her lips as she fiddled with her lighter.  
"Please don't run away, Rick, it's not worth it." She mumbled out of the corner of her mouth. Rick sat down next to her and leant on the railings in front of them.  
"I won't, I wouldn't even know where to go." She lit her cigarette, inhaling the smoke deeply.  
"At least you're not stupid." Rick wasn't sure about that. If he wasn't stupid, then he wouldn't be here in the first place, he would've figured a way out of this mess. He looked out to the land around the Sanctuary, there seemed to be only one gate into the stronghold, and it was surrounded by chained walkers. He nodded his head to the walkers.  
"What's the deal with them?" Sherry exhaled, smoke coming out of her mouth like grey tendrils.  
"Keeps other people out, and us in." They sat in silence for a while, the sun beating down on them. "Are you scared?" Rick turned his head and looked at her, she had that same faraway stare. He shrugged his shoulders.  
"Should I be?" She glanced up at him.  
"It would be natural to be scared, you've seen what Negan can do."  
"He seems to have treated you pretty well." Rick replied, Sherry looked down at the sentry walkers, their groans could still be heard even from this distance.  
"Can I give you a bit of advice?" she stubbed out her cigarette, flicking it down to the ground below them. "Negan is very good at making it seem like you have a choice. There are no choices here, Rick." She turned and looked him in the eyes, there was a sadness to this woman. "My advice to you is this - whatever you had out there, you need to forget about it. Friends, family, lovers, none of them exist anymore. Just do as he asks, keep your head down, and one day it'll become second nature." Rick stared at her for a second, mulling over her words.  
"Why did you agree to marry him?" She chewed her lip, like she was searching for the reason herself.  
"My sister was a diabetic, she needed insulin shots to keep her stable. At first, it was easy getting the points together for her shots, but with the whole world gone to shit, that stuff ain't made anymore, the cost of it kept getting bigger and bigger…" she shook her head. "We thought we could get away in time, we knew Negan wouldn't take it lightly, us stealing from him, but we honestly thought we could get away in time, that we could survive.  
"But we were wrong. She ended up dying, and we ended up back where we started. Negan is many things, forgiving is not one of them, his grudge can span for miles, and he won't lose patience. I married Negan to save our lives." Rick frowned,  
"'Our lives'? But I thought your sister died?" The door behind them burst open.  
"You've been out here plenty long enough now, get back in." Dwight said in a stern voice. Sherry got up with a sigh, Rick following suit.  
"Just remember Rick, he may give you choices, but in the end you will always do what he wants." 

Rick spent a lot of that afternoon sat on the floor by the window, staring outside. He was mind numbingly bored, but after their chat outside Sherry didn't seem keen on talking much more to Rick, and the rest of the wives acted like Rick was infringing on their space just by being there. In truth Rick didn't mind too much, he had never been the best at small talk, and he wasn't too sure how much he could trust anyone in this room. He took a sip of the drink in his hand every so often, more for want of something to do than actually wanting the drink itself. As always, he wondered what was happening back at Alexandria. Spencer was clearly running the show now, that much he was sure. He could only imagine how well that would've gone down with his group, allowing himself a small smile, imagining the sort of kick off Daryl would've had at that news. Deep down Rick knew that Spencer was what they needed right now, he was an appeaser, he would at least keep them alive from that. It didn't stop it stinging any less, knowing that Spencer was currently strutting around acting the big 'I am' when in reality he cowered in Negan's shadow as much as the rest of them. A part of Rick felt guilty, sat here right now with more than enough time on his hands to reminisce whilst everyone at Alexandria was desperately working over time to try and provide enough for two groups at once.  
_'Whatever you had out there, you need to forget about it.'_  
Easy to say, much harder to do, even Sherry herself couldn't seem to practice what she preached. Then again, at least Rick didn't have Carl, Judith and Michonne being paraded around him tantalisingly close, knowing that even so much as acknowledging them could lead to dire consequences.  
_'There are no choices here, Rick.'_  
That one worried him, he had to admit. For the most part, Negan had been very decent to Rick, almost courteous. Anxiety knotted in his stomach, as he wondered when that would change. Sherry said Negan had patience, yes, but Rick assumed that was only when the game was in his favour.  
Rick drained his glass, the liquor harsh, but it at least took the edge off of his nerves.  
At some point Sherry found her way opposite Rick, sitting carefully to not make her revealing dress reveal anymore. Rick nodded to her as she handed him another drink. He assumed that she had got over her funny mood from their chat.  
"You seem to be the only one that talks to me at the moment." She was once again nursing another glass, how she stayed as sober as she was Rick did not know, she must have a hell of a tolerance he thought to himself.  
"You looked like you could use company…" she leaned in, and murmured, "And it's nice to have someone that talks to me too." Rick chuckled, sadness tinged it slightly. At least he wasn't the only trapped one. He raised his glass to her,  
"A toast to us." She smiled sadly back, raising her glass too. Rick knew he shouldn't trust her, for all he knew she could be feeding back everything he said and did to Negan. But there was something about her, some small level of plucky defiance, that bit of survival instinct that reminded him of someone, he just couldn't work out who.  
"Hey, Sherry, can I ask you something?" she raised her eyebrows quizzically, Rick lowered his voice as he continued, "Why didn't you just keep running? You didn't actually get caught, you chose to come back here, why?" Sherry sat in silence for a few short moments, staring into her glass as if she'd find the answer in it.  
"I guess…I guess we came back because we had to. No one can make it alone anymore Rick, not in this world."  
Andrea.  
She reminded him of Andrea.  
Rick stared out of the window in silence, rolling the glass around in his hands as he remembered her, she wasn't perfect by any means, but she always tried, she always looked out for their group. A wave of guilt washed over him as he tried to remember the last time he had thought about her, he couldn't for the life of him remember.  
"Hey, Rick, you okay there?" He nodded perhaps a little too enthusiastically, Sherry was kind enough to pretend like she believed him, allowing them to sit in silence.

The sky was beginning to take a red hue when the door swung open and Negan sauntered in. He addressed every one of his wives individually, walking around and giving them each a kiss. When he spotted Rick and Sherry sat on the ground, he gave them a curious look, jutting his hip out as he spoke.  
"Was none of the furniture to your liking, my loves?" Sherry stood up quickly, smoothing her dress out as she did. He smirked as he walked over, planting a deep kiss on her lips. As he pulled away, he murmured, "You been taking care of my husband?" Sherry simply nodded, the faraway look returning to her face. Negan looked down at Rick, cocking his head, "You plan on staying down on there? Or you gonna stand and give your husband a lil love?" Rick stood, but offered no affection. Negan seemed unsurprised, staying pleasant as he took Rick's hand and led him away, calling a goodbye over his shoulder to his wives as they left. Rick stole a final glance at Sherry, watching as she downed her entire drink in one gulp before reaching for another.

As soon as Rick stepped into his room, he was greeted by the smell of fresh baked rolls and soup. His stomach growled, food had been provided at various points during the day to Negan's wives, but Rick hadn't touched any of it. Negan shut the door behind them, ushering Rick silently to sit down at the table. Rick didn't need any persuading, he quickly sat, noticing the mix and match style of the tableware, it had clearly been pieced together over various scavenging trips. Negan gently placed Lucille in the corner by his chair, then served dinner to Rick and himself. It was slightly odd, watching Negan doing something so normal and domestic as serve dinner, but Rick was too hungry to ponder it for long, as soon as Negan had sat down Rick was already gulping soup. Negan laughed,  
"Not gonna say grace or anything?" Rick just shook his head, he had never really believed in a higher power, especially not these days. They ate in a relatively comfortable silence, Rick believing it was almost too good to be true for Negan to be quiet for this long. It was only when they were both finished that Negan broke the silence.  
"So, how was your day, Rick? You and Sherry looked pretty cosy," he shot him a smile, "Good to see you were making friends." Rick looked at him for a long moment, remembering Sherry's words 'Just do as he asks'. Rick looked away, mumbling,  
"It was fine, thank you." Negan, either not realising or not caring that Rick had effectively killed their conversation right there, continued.  
"Good! That's what I like to hear! Now, I've given it some thought about what you can do around here, and I've got a couple of options for you, you can either work in the infirmary keeping an eye on our stock, we also got a group of builder guys, tough as fucking nails but I'm sure you'd fit right in, it's up to you." Negan waited expectantly, slouched back in his chair.  
_'..he may give you choices, but in the end you will always do what he wants.'_  
Eyes fixed on the table, Rick replied,  
"Whichever you'd prefer." Negan's tongue flicked out onto his lower lip, he let out a frustrated sigh.  
"For God's sake Rick, I'm fucking trying over here to make conversation, give you some fucking options and you are just sitting there barely responding. At least give me something to work with. Fuck, give me the typical attitude and stink eye for all I care. If I wanted fucking simpering and meek I'd go talk to any of the other pricks in this building." Negan's outburst caught Rick off guard, even when he was trying to appease the man it went wrong. Rick shifted in his seat in silence, Negan huffing opposite him.  
"Neither." Rick spoke, cutting the silence. Negan looked up at him, eyebrows furrowed. Rick looked up at him and kept his eye contact level.  
"I don't want to do either of those jobs, I…" he paused for a moment, wondering if it was wise to not take either option presented to him. Negan raised his eyebrows, nodding to Rick in a 'go on..' gesture. Rick looked down at the table. "I want to work outside, growing things. I want to farm." Negan sat there for a moment, before a laugh escaped him,  
"Farming? That's what you wanna do?" Rick's face went bright red as Negan continued to laugh, before throwing his arms up in the air. "What the hell, I'll get the boys to clear some land tomorrow, Farmer Rick." Negan got up and stacked the tableware into a neat pile, "Humour me, why do you wanna garden? I never would've pegged you as a farmer before the world went to shit." Rick shook his head.  
"I wasn't a farmer, I was a sheriffs deputy." Negan let out a whistle, settling down again in the chair opposite Rick.  
"Wow, from Farmer Rick to Officer Rick, you sure are full of surprises." Negan slouched back into his chair, "I was a teacher before all this." Rick scoffed, waiting for the punch line to the joke, when none came he raised his eyebrows at Negan.  
"You're pulling my chain. You? A teacher?" Negan nodded, a smile playing on his lips.  
"Yup, gym teacher. I play a mean game of ping pong." Rick imagined Negan, stood on a school field in shorts and sneakers, whistle around his neck as he bellowed at some poor unsuspecting middle schoolers to stop being such lazy pricks and run faster. He couldn't help it, he began to laugh at the sheer weirdness of his mental image. He looked up at Negan, who looked slightly surprised to see Rick laughing, but was smiling all the same. When Rick regained his composure, he looked at Negan and replied light heartedly,  
"At some point we'll have to play a game of ping pong." Negan chuckled,  
"Sure thing, if I beat you do I get a kiss?" The comment took Rick slightly off guard, he thought he hid it well but Negan seemed to see the comment was pushing his luck slightly. Trying to keep things light hearted, Rick replied,  
"I think you've got a bit of an advantage over me, I'll stretch to a hug if you win." He stifled a yawn, the room had darkened considerably as they had been chatting.  
Wordlessly, Rick got up and began to strip off his clothes for bed. He was half conscious of the fact Negan was blatantly watching him, but he was surprisingly not bothered. Climbing into bed, Negan soon joined him, still staying very much so on his side. They laid there back to back, as Rick was beginning to doze, Negan's voice cut through the silence.  
"You never did answer me, why do you wanna garden?" Rick shifted slightly,  
"A friend taught me how to farm, it relaxes me." Negan considered Rick's reply, before asking,  
"Where's the friend now?" Rick fought to keep the image of Hershel being decapitated by the Governor out of his mind.  
"He's dead."  
"Oh." Negan shifted around for a second. "That sucks."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone that has read so far! I have read the comments you guys have left me and frankly I am overwhelmed that you all took the time to leave such lovely comments. I would've replied to them all individually, but I am a bit of an awkward turnip when it comes to these things, rest assured - I have been reading them and grinning like a buffoon
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!


	4. Memories as heavy as a Stone.

Rick woke that morning to find Negan was already gone. Rick couldn't help but feel slightly relieved that he didn't have to listen to Negan in the shower, he could at least come into the world in peace.  
When he came out of the shower, a tray had been left on the table with breakfast and a note, he noted how the writer wrote in small block capitals.  
Sorry for leaving you this morning Rick, will find you later today.  
Remember to behave yourself  
\- Negan.  
Rick scoffed, tossing the note to the side. He was a man in his 40's - he did not need notes left in lunch boxes, much less did he need notes telling him to behave. He was however, grateful for the honey porridge left as breakfast. He gazed out of his barred window as he ate, from what he could see the Sanctuary sat in the middle of nowhere, fields and a thin covering of trees surrounded them. It truly made the Sanctuary feel like a world of it's own, separated from the rest of crumbling civilisation. He wasn't really sure what to do with himself, he guessed just staying in this room was an option, but he had had enough of sitting in one place for hours on end. He wanted to get out there and explore.  
He finished his mouthful of porridge, his resolve made to figure out the maze of concrete that was his new 'home'. He flung open the door to his room, and practically ran straight on top of a rather large member of the Saviors. The guy flinched away as Rick skidded to a halt.  
"Whoa, sorry, didn't see you there." The guy let out a shaky laugh.  
"Don't worry about it, it's fine, honestly." Rick gave him a quick smile, before setting off to the right of his door. He became aware of footsteps following him. He turned around to see the same guy following him, stopping when he stopped.  
"Can I help you?" He asked, furrowing his brow. The Savior mopped his own brow with the back of his hand, shuffling his feet as he spoke.  
"Sorry, I uh, have been told to keep an eye on you." Rick supressed the urge to roll his eyes.  
"How long have you been stood outside my door?"  
"Oh, not long! I mean, maybe…a little while?" Rick couldn't decide if he was endeared by the guy's slightly awkward nature, or irritated by it. He turned on his heel and continued to walk,  
"I appreciate you've been told to, but I don't wanna be followed around all day." The sound of heavy feet came behind him again.  
"Oh don't worry, I won't talk or nothing, you'll barely notice I'm here."

As Rick climbed his third set of stairs, he thought about how very acutely aware he was of his rather large shadow wheezing a few feet behind him. As much as he felt bad knowing the guy was struggling to keep up with him, he didn't let up his brisk pace. He had spent too long being led around, cooped up in various different rooms, the need to just keep moving was larger than his sympathy right now. He had thought about starting a conversation with his shadow, but the appeal was not great. Ultimately, Rick still regarded all the Saviors with the same brush stroke - and that meant they were all accountable for the suffering that had been inflicted on the people of Alexandria.  
His shadow reached the top of the flight of stairs by the time Rick had already started setting off down another corridor. A couple of Saviors walked past whilst he was catching his breath, sniggering like a pair of school kids as they walked past.  
"Getting some exercise there, Fat Joey?" the other one piped up, "Makes a change, you moving your legs instead of your mouth." Rick stopped and spun on his heel, shooting daggers into the two Saviors' backs as they walked down the stairs. Fat Joey, as he had learned, stood there with his hands on his knees wheezing. He wasn't sure if he hadn't heard their remarks over the sound of his breathing, didn't care enough to reply back, or was plain too scared to.  
"Do they always speak to you that way?" Rick asked as he marched back to Joey. Joey looked up at him, sweat pouring off of his face.  
"I, uh, yeah?" He stood up straight, taking in a lung full of air. Rick frowned at him,  
"Doesn't it bother you, them speaking to you like that? Not even my kid name calls." Joey gave a half hearted shrug.  
"I guess they need to tell the difference between me and other Joey…"  
"Well, I ain't calling you that. I'll just have to figure out another difference between you and other Joey." Rick continued down the corridor again, heavy footsteps trailing behind again.  
"Y'know, you could just call me Joseph…to be honest, I prefer being called Joseph…" Rick glanced over his shoulder and smiled,  
"Good to meet you, Joseph."

Eventually, Rick started to get his bearings of the Sanctuary, much to the delight of Joseph and his most likely screaming leg muscles. From what he seemed to understand, his room was in the middle of the building, with Negan's wives room being a couple of levels below. There were a couple of doors that led to the outside on each level, but he hadn't discovered a way out of the Sanctuary itself without going through the walker gates. There were various recreational rooms in the Sanctuary, some held books like a makeshift library, one or two had a tv with an ancient VHS system, and one was the fabled ping pong room. The only room Rick couldn't seem to find was Negan's. He tried to ask Joseph, but Joseph had just shrugged and said he was only supposed to keep an eye on Rick, not speak to him. That was clearly bullshit, however, as he had just spent the past 20 minutes talking Rick's ear off about the finer points of computer processors.  
"Hey Joseph, what do you actually do around here? Y'know, as like a job?" Rick had slowed down after his third lap of the Sanctuary, allowing Joseph to walk with him, not behind him.  
"Uh, anything really. Sometimes I watch on outposts, sometimes I go on collection runs…I really like unloading the trucks, sometimes you find the coolest stuff," he paused for a moment, taking a look around before he spoke. "The thing I like to do most is build things, I could, uh, show you some of the stuff I've built?" Rick nodded, he had checked out every unlocked room he could, this would at least kill a few more minutes. A big grin broke out on Joseph's face, as he started off down a corridor to the right with a spring in his step. He babbled excitedly about the various prototypes he had going on, what parts he was waiting on, on the things he had already created…as he chattered away to Rick, his eyes held a spark that Rick hadn't seen in him all day. In that moment, Rick finally decided he was endeared by Joseph and his slightly quirky ways.

Joseph unlocked a room a level below his own room, ushering him inside quick. Inside looked like organised chaos - to Rick's eyes it appeared like trash was strewn everywhere, but to Joseph's there was unlocked potential in everything in this room. The only part of Joseph's lab that had proper lighting was his work bench with a bright desk lamp, the rest of the room was in a dim glow from the overhead lights, the damp walls not helping the lighting situation. If Joseph minded the crappy work conditions he certainly didn't show it, as he gave Rick a tour of the room. Rick nodded politely, occasionally chiming in a word or two at the right moments, but in truth he didn't understand half of the things Joseph was telling about and cared even less so. He gazed lazily around the room, before something caught his eye.  
"What's this?" Rick asked, picking up what looked like a cable with the worlds ugliest baubles attached to it. Joseph took it carefully out of Rick's hands.  
"It's an explosive." Rick pretty much dropped it straight into Joseph's hands with those words, Joseph gave a small smile, "No need to worry, it's not set right now so it should be absolutely harmless to handle, but better safe than sorry."  
"What's it for?" Rick took another look at it, estimating it to be at least a good ten feet long. Joseph put it back down on the work bench.  
"This is what keeps the herds away. Or, at least gets rid of some and redirects the others. Putting barriers only works to a point, if enough of them push on that barrier though then the barrier busts. This however works by thinning the herd, using those bodies as a barrier and gets the rest of the herd walking elsewhere. All you have to do is string it up somewhere you know the herd is gonna go, like a highway, set the charges and wait. This is how we've been keeping all the groups safe." Rick shook his head with a smile,  
"I got to say, Joseph, I am impressed." He really was, and slightly envious that his own group hadn't thought of something like this. Joseph just flushed red, unable to hide the grin. 

By the time Negan finally decided to grace Rick with his appearance, Rick was just finishing up his 6th lap of the Sanctuary, and was heading for something to eat. Joseph had been happily chatting away before a booming voice behind them cut him off.  
"Rick! My beloved husband.." Negan sauntered down the corridor towards them, Lucille as always in his hand. Joseph visibly shrunk back at the appearance of Negan, even though he paid him no attention, his gaze held on Rick. "You miss me this morning?" He purred, getting up close and personal in Rick's space. When he got no answer, he turned his attention to Joseph.  
"Thank you, Fat Joseph, for keeping an eye on my husband here." Rick bristled at the name, but Joseph just stammered,  
"Sure, it was, uh, no problem at all. Really." Negan got a glint in his eye, keeping his eyes focused on Joseph as he spoke.  
"That's good to hear, Fat Joey! But, I must admit, I have been searching for you two for an awful long time. You two haven't been up to anything untoward, have you?" Negan phrased it innocently enough, but Joseph's face drained white at the implication. Before he could even begin to stammer his excuses, Negan had pounced, creeping into his personal space as he probed. "Because you know what happens to people that fuck my spouses, don't you Fat Joey?"  
"Stop calling him that!" Rick snapped, forgetting himself for a moment. Negan slowly turned to face him, his head cocked.  
"Well pardon the fuck out of me, Rick. I mean, I am just a concerned husband, who wanted to see my beloved. I mean, I didn't think you were partial to chubbies but I could be wrong." Rick kept a level voice as he spoke, trying not to look away from Negan's eyes as he spoke.  
"Leave him be, nothing has happened like that. Joseph has just been showing me around. That's all." He made a point to emphasize Joseph as he spoke. It was futile to think he could get the entirety of the Sanctuary to stop calling him Fat Joey, but that didn't mean he wouldn't try. Negan's tongue poked out and licked his bottom lip, before he threw out his arms and laughed.  
"Well, that's all I wanted to hear!" He took Rick's hand into his and began to walk towards the end of the corridor. When heavy footsteps could be heard behind them, Negan barked, "Fuck off, Joey!" He didn't need telling twice, wasting no time scampering the opposite way to Rick and Negan.  
"Where are we going?" Rick asked, barely trying to contain the venom in his tone. Like always, Negan acted as if he couldn't hear it as he dragged Rick along.  
"Well if I told you that, it would ruin the surprise!" Rick rolled his eyes, allowing himself to be dragged out of the concrete and into the sunlight outside. If it weren't for Negan holding his hand, he would've thought that Negan was completely ignorant to his presence, seemingly looking at and acknowledging everyone that wasn't him. He knew it was small power play, but it irritated him nonetheless. 

They rounded a corner, moving away from the Sanctuary and the Saviors, Negan pulling him along with slightly more urgency now. Rick frowned up at him, wondering what had got him so excited that he practically had them marching. When Negan stopped and Rick looked forward, his eyes widened.  
"Well, what do you think?" Negan looked at him expectantly, whilst Rick just gawped. True to his word, Negan had cleared an area for Rick to farm. He hadn't quite expected him to act so quick, or to have the ground already ploughed, or half of the equipment he would need stacked neatly in a wheelbarrow.  
Negan kept that intense stare on Rick, waiting for a response. Eventually, Rick found his voice,  
"I…I didn't expect this much space." Negan gave that infamous smirk, but it seemed a little warmer than usual, almost sheepish.  
"Nothing but the best for my husband! I mean, we still need to find something for you to plant, but I got too ahead of myself and wanted to show you the work in progress, so to speak." Rick kept waiting for some sort of punchline, but Negan didn't offer any. He just stood there, watching Rick.  
"Thank you." It was quiet, barely a murmur, but Rick had to say it anyway. Negan looked taken aback by it.  
"No problem, Rick." They stood in silence for a moment or two, possibly while both of them processed Rick actually having a nice word to say to Negan without prompting. Negan waved a hand over the area, "There's still some more room, I was gonna get some of the guys to build a shed so you ain't lugging shit inside and outside every time you come here. After that maybe there would be some room for maybe some animals if you want? I know a group that has some pigs-"  
Pigs.  
Piglets.  
Squealing filled his ears.  
The sound of flesh being torn apart.  
Their little bodies wriggling in his arms as he cut into their legs and dropped them.  
Bile rose in his throat. He let go of Negan and marched away, his jaw clenched as he walked, willing himself not to make a fool of himself and end up in a pool of his own tears and vomit. He could hear Negan call after him but he didn't care, he just had to get away. He ran into the Sanctuary, running down a couple of quiet corridors before resting his head against the cool concrete. 

He took a few moments to compose himself, wiping his brow with the back of his hand and pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes, like that could push the tears back in. He thought about going back to Negan and apologising, but decided against it, the damage was done. He also thought about going to find something to eat, but he remembered the piglets all over again and a wave of nausea hit him. He began to wander with no particular course or reason, eventually he found himself in the room for Negan's wives, sat with a large drink by the window. He heard a voice above him.  
"You look like shit." Sherry sat down opposite him, Rick stayed staring out of the window. Her voice softened, "What's happened?" Rick shook his head, a lump in his throat as he tried to sort through his thoughts and find a coherent one.  
"I don't wanna talk about it." He mumbled into his glass as he took a large swig.  
"I'm sure you don't, but I think it's better if you do." He just shook his head again, he had never been a talker, it was one of the biggest reasons for conflict between him and Lori, hell, between him and any of his previous partners. Rick just couldn't speak to anyone about what was going through his mind, especially not when he was afraid it would make him appear weak, and sitting here in the Sanctuary was the last place he wanted to appear weak. Sherry continued to sit opposite him, her voice soft as she spoke,  
"Rick, if he's done something to you.." Rick shook his head,  
"He hasn't." It came out slightly more curt than he had intended, but Sherry didn't seem to hold it against him. Instead, she just got up, gave his shoulder a squeeze and walked away. Every so often she would return back to him to fill his glass, but would exchange no words with him. Rick sat there, sullenly sipping his drink that never emptied, his mind swimming with the memories of the past couple of years. That was the problem with this place, when he was on the outside having to fight for survival he didn't get the chance to focus on the things that had happened to him, the things he had done. In here, he had nothing but free time, and his memory could remember every detail he so desperately wanted to forget with vivid detail. He remembered every person they had lost, at their best moments, their worst, and their last. He remembered every person he had killed, and the comforting words he told himself to justify each death. The memories from the past couple of years crushed him with their weight, and they haunted him.

Arms hooked under his, pulling him to his feet roughly. He heard Sherry speak,  
"For God sake be careful, he can barely keep his head up, let alone stand." She chastised the figure behind him, he heard a grunt from behind.  
"Well he isn't exactly light, and maybe he'd be able to stand if you hadn't given him so many drinks." Dwight. It was Dwight behind him, holding him up. Even in his inebriated state, Rick wasn't surprised Dwight was the first person Sherry would get.  
"I thought a couple of drinks would loosen him up, get him to speak, y'know? He just ended up shutting down…Just get him back to his room, okay?" Dwight grunted again as he readjusted Rick, throwing one of Rick's arms around his shoulders and getting him to lean on him as he part walked, part dragged Rick back to his room. Rick attempted to keep his eyes open as they walked, but the world was spinning too much. When Dwight got Rick to his room, he unceremoniously dumped him on the bed and left.  
Rick wasn't surprised to see no Negan in his room. A tray of food had been left on his table that was clearly meant as a meal for one, Rick bypassed it completely and reached into the basket still on the table, pulling out a bottle of beer. He could barely stand, but he continued to drink. He was done feeling, done remembering, he just wanted to be numb to it all. He ended up collapsing on the bed midway through his third beer, it spilling everywhere as he slipped into an alcohol induced sleep. He had hoped for a dreamless sleep, but the nightmares came thick and fast. It was like a movie reel of all the events from the past couple of years, but more grotesque.  
The countdown continued in silence ominously behind Rick. T-Dog and Daryl battered the door with all their might, but the heavy enforced metal wouldn't budge. Shane threatened Jenner. Rick bargained with him, begged him. The countdown continued, and just like his doors, Jenner wouldn't budge. As the countdown came to a end, Jenner gave the last parting words _'We're all infected'_. Flames engulfed them all.  
He ran through field after field, Carl bleeding out in his arms. Hershel's house always on the horizon, always just out of reach. Watching Carl's eyes open and seeing that vacant, hungry stare.  
Lori let out a strangled scream, blood pooling between her thighs. Her cries echoed around the boiler room, Rick held a knife in his hand.  
_"Please…Please, Rick…"_ She panted, exhausted from her struggle. Reluctantly, with tears in his eyes he cut his wife open and plucked his best friends baby out of her. He looked at the squalling babe in his arms, and felt no love. He put her down next to her mother, leaving her in the boiler room. By the time he had reconsidered his feelings and gone back for her, Lori had Judith's delicate body in her hands, and her leg in her mouth.  
Rick launched himself at the Governor, rage and pain and grief coursing through his veins. He throws punches blindly, some make contact, most don't. The Governor throws him to the floor, each one of his punches hitting their target. Blood spurts from Rick's mouth. He feels hands around his neck, tightening. He gasps for air. As his vision goes dark, he looks up and sees it's Shane's hands around his throat.

"Rick? Rick! What the fuck!" Strong hands rolled him over as he choked, vomit trickling out of his mouth. A hand rubbed his back in circles, a gruff voice trying it's best to be soft.  
"You're okay, you just let it all out now…" Rick's eyes just rolled, the world still spinning. He tried to speak but it just came out as an incoherent slur. The strong hands do their best to try and prop him up, letting him see who they belong to. Rick was surprised to see they belonged to Negan.  
"W…Wh…why?" Rick eventually slurred out.  
"I came to see you, I wanted to know why you ran off earlier. I was pissed, I was just gonna leave you to fucking stew, but…fuck Rick you're in a God damn state right now." Rick shivered, vaguely aware that both himself and the bed was currently coated in his cold sweat, along with a spattering of his vomit. Negan ran a hand through his hair, trying to assess just where to start with the cluster fuck of a situation. He hooked his arms under Rick and gently picked him up.  
"C'mon, darlin', let's get you washed up…" He carried Rick into the bathroom and started up the shower, letting it run for a few minutes to warm it up. He plucked at a bit of shirt that wasn't covered in vomit, his voice gentle as he spoke.  
"Do you need a hand? Getting this shit off?" Rick fumbled at his clothes for a little while, but in his drunk state he could barely undo a button. Negan swiftly stripped the shirt off, balling it up and chucking it into the corner of the bathroom. He undid Rick's belt and jeans, pulling them down slightly before backing off.  
"Get your pants off and shower, I'll go change the bedding." Rick ripped his jeans and underwear off as soon as the door clicked, slumping into the shower - standing properly made him feel dizzy. His head still felt fuzzy when Negan came in and turned the shower off, but at least he didn't have sick in his hair. Negan wrapped a towel around Rick's waist, carefully averting his eyes as he did so, drying Rick's hair with a separate towel.  
"There, you're looking better now…" He brushed a curl out of Rick's face, the touch tender. Rick continued to sway, wanting nothing else apart from his bed. Negan led him back to bed, fresh sheets haphazardly thrown onto it with a makeshift sick bucket on Rick's side. Negan tucked him in, running a hand through his still damp curls as he murmured,  
"Get some sleep, we'll talk later." He dimmed the lights, then took a seat at the table with a book, Rick was asleep in seconds. 

He had thought the nightmares were done, he was sorely mistaken.  
He found himself in the woods again, on his knees, lined up with the rest of his group.  
_"Eeny, meeny, miney, mo…"_ Negan carried on with the rhyme, hovering Lucille over each of them in turn.  
Every time the dream replayed, a different person died. The easiest ones were when Rick was chosen and beaten, at least they didn't have guilt attached to them.  
At least a dozen times that night, Rick had to live, and relive, his husband killing his group on that fateful night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Normally I proof read the chapter before I go ahead and post it, but I was in such a rush to get it finished and posted that I haven't. So, my sincerest apologies if there are any mistakes!
> 
> As always, thank you _**so**_ much to everyone that has left comments and kudos! I honestly smile so much when I see you guys are enjoying what I write as much as I enjoy writing it!


	5. Just a man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I bet you weren't expecting another chapter from me so soon!

Rick cracked an eye open and groaned, his brain felt like it was trying to crack through his skull. He heard some shuffling to the side of him.  
"Morning, how you feeling?" Negan murmured, his face still in the pillow. Rick ran a hand over his face, aware of the cold sweat that covered it.  
"I feel like shit." He replied, Negan chuckled,  
"Yeah, you did spend half of the day drinkin', and the other half of the night spewin' everything in you." Rick glanced over at Negan, and thought about just how different he always looked in the four walls of Rick's room. By the looks of it he had pretty much just collapsed into bed, his jacket and boots laid on the floor but past that he hadn't made much of an effort to get ready for bed. He still looked like Negan, the guy who had bashed in Glenn and Abraham's skulls, the monster who had enslaved Alexandria in the course of one night. He was still Negan, the man Rick had vowed to kill for his wrong doings. A fleeting thought passed through Rick's head, he could so easily just smother him in the night, or take that fucking bat he was so loathed to be parted with and bash his skull in. But looking at him now, in that place between sleep and awake, Rick saw something else too, he just didn't want to admit it.  
He started to carefully sit up, Negan's hand grabbed his wrist, holding it gently.  
"There's still an hour or two before we have to get up. C'mon now darlin', lay back down." He looked down at Negan's hand clutching his wrist, it was the same way he used to grab Lori when she'd try to get up on Sunday mornings. He'd always grab her, _"Carl's still asleep, you don't need to start the day yet."_ she'd always lay back down and plant a small kiss onto him, he could always feel the smile on her lips as she did so. Rick laid down beside Negan, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, listening to the soft sounds next to him.  
"Do you regret anything you've done?" Rick asked, his own voice surprising him.  
"Well, I regret not taking that offer for a threesome with Jodie and Michelle back in senior year…" His voice was still sleepy, but Rick could hear the smirk in it all the same. Rick rolled his eyes,  
"No, I mean do you regret anything you've done, since all of this? Since the world going to shit."  
"Your pillow talk is shit, you know that?" Negan shuffled again, "The existential questions can wait 'til morning, Rick."  
Rick chuckled despite himself, rolling over and going back to sleep. 

_"Loneliness will haunt you, will you sacrifice? Do you take the oath, will you live your life under the rose!"_ Negan's voice bellowed from the shower. Rick buried his head under his pillow, he didn't like KISS at the best of times, and especially not Negan's rendition whilst Rick's head was throbbing. The water turned off and out came Negan, lean and bright eyed and looking half like fine chiselled marble in the morning light.  
"C'mon Rick, up and at 'em, we're burning day light here." Rick caught the towel launched at his face, skulking off to the bathroom with the same level of enthusiasm for the morning as he had for road kill. He kept his shower brief, it wasn't like he particularly needed one anyway after last night, but it helped make him feel slightly more human and help his pounding head.  
He finished up in the bathroom and walked back into the bedroom just as Negan was walking back in with a tray of food. Wordlessly, he put the tray down on the table, turned and faced the wall. Rick quickly dressed, clearing his throat once he was decent. He had half expected Negan to refuse to look away when he got dressed, considering he had pretty much seen Rick naked last night. But as always, Negan stayed true to the boundaries they had put into place. They ate in a comfortable silence, Rick thinking in slight amusement that Negan had stacked his plate with various assortments of fruits whilst he chewed on some toast - clearly he was a big believer in fruits natural sugars helping with a hangover. He was grateful that no pork elements had been added to breakfast that morning.  
"So, what's your plan for today?" Rick looked up at Negan from the bunch of grapes he had been happily grazing on. He shrugged his shoulders.  
"I don't know, I pretty much know where everything is now, I got nothing to plant…I'll guess I'll go sit with your wives…" Negan pulled a face,  
"I was thinking maybe I'd get you working on inventory today, unloading the vans, sorting through the pick ups, that sort of thing." Rick shrugged his shoulders again, he was open enough to doing that, it sure beat just sitting around in that damn room Negan's wives never seemed to leave. Negan got up, throwing his jacket on and collecting Lucille from the corner of the room.  
"If you go to the vans and find Simon he'll point you where he wants you, I'll let him know you're on your way," He paused in front of Rick, like he wasn't sure the appropriate way to say goodbye to him. He settled for clapping a hand on his shoulder in the end, then sauntered out of the room the way he did, calling through the door just before it closed.  
"Oh, and stay away from Sherry today."  
The door clicked shut, and Rick was left with his own thoughts. He mused how he hadn't been told to stay away from someone since he was a teenager, and couldn't help but chuckle that it was because he had rocked up home wasted at 16 years old. All the same, he found himself slightly wistful that he wouldn't be able to speak to Sherry, in the very short time they had become acquainted, he had grown rather fond of her. Or maybe it was just the traits of Andrea that he was fond of, he wasn't too sure. Rick finished up his breakfast, stacking both his and Negan's on the tray before setting off to find Simon.

Simon was in one of the vans, unloading boxes down to various Saviors as Rick approached. He still wasn't sure how comfortable he felt around Simon, he was Negan's second in command, so he knew he should be safe with him. But there was something about Simon that put him on edge, loyalty is a trait every leader wants in their men. But Simon's loyalty was so strong, so unwavering, that Rick didn't think Simon would think twice if Negan commanded him to cut a limb off himself. A man that had no morals, just loyalty, was always a dangerous man.  
Rick waited until Simon turned around, he held his gaze for a few long moments.  
"Rick. Negan said you'd be coming down soon." He hopped out of the van, wordlessly motioning for another person to take his place. He set off walking, getting Rick to follow.  
"So, Negan said you'd be helping us with inventory today." Saviors walked around them like a river around a rock, barely even noticing them. "You can either work inside loading up everything in the right place, or you can work out here, carrying the boxes and sorting them for where they go, the choice is yours." It was so odd to be just speaking to Simon, it was Simon that had carried out the elaborate terror campaign against Rick and his group, and yet here he  
stood speaking in a tone of voice that suggested he was talking the weather with a stranger at the bus stop.  
"I get a choice?" Rick asked incredulously, Simon shrugged,  
"Your Negan's husband." It threw Rick off slightly, the way he said it like it was such a non thing. Rick wasn't blind, he had seen the way a lot of the Saviors looked at him, and it was a look of scorn. Yes they were polite enough (wouldn't most be to a man whose spouse seemed to be attached to a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire?) but knew it wasn't genuine. They all saw him as weak, the man who gave up, he was sure they had heard how Rick howled when he was ordered to cut Carl's arm off. And if they hadn't heard that, he was sure they had heard how hard he sobbed when he first got here. They looked at him and they didn't see a leader, they saw a broken man. But here stood Simon, not finding it amusing Rick married his captor, not looking at him like he was broken, he kept an even stare when he looked at Rick. But then again, it was Simon that had led the ambush against Rick's group, seen how their small group had killed at least two dozen Saviors. Simon knew what Rick was capable of.  
Rick decided to help out with carrying and sorting the boxes, he had been aching for some sort of manual labour. He was slow at first, weeks of sitting around had not done his stamina any good, nor did his hangover help. But he was soon keeping up with the Saviors, falling into line so they worked as one unit. The sun beat down on him, but the heat felt like a warm embrace as he worked away, anything was better than being cooped up in the Sanctuary.

At around midday, Simon tapped him on the shoulder.  
"Put the box down, Rick, everyone's gonna take a break to eat." Rick had barely registered that much time had passed. He started to follow everyone else, but Simon shook his head and grabbed his shoulder.  
"You don't eat with them." He led Rick away to sit under the shade with a couple of others, he assumed they must be higher ups among the Saviors. A mixture of breads, cheeses and fruits was laid out, everyone making small talk as they ate. Rick sat in silence, these people unnerved him, they were talking strategy, which groups had what, group sizes, who was doing what in the Sanctuary, which Saviors were on the road and when they were expected back…that wasn't the bit that unnerved him. It was the calm demeanour as they discussed a couple of the people they used to move the walkers by the gates were causing some trouble.  
"C is getting too big for his boots, now E reckons he's hot shit too." A dark haired Savior said as he nibbled on a bit of cheese.  
"What are they actually doing?" Another asked, the dark haired Savior shrugged,  
"C tried to let one of those dead pricks lunge at Sam when we were passing through, said he slipped, but he's been doing that an awful lot lately. Now E suddenly has started slipping." Simon piped up,  
"If E does it again, shoot whoever you like, chain 'em up, let them come back. If C does it again, he can feed the dead pricks as the rest of them watch." Simon said it so calmly, the rest of them just nodded like he had said he wanted them to do something so mundane as take them to the side and have a chat with them. That was what scared Rick, they were talking about people's lives as if they were nothing, they didn't seem to either take pleasure nor displeasure from killing, they were just indifferent to it.  
"You seem awfully quiet there, Rick." Rick looked up, trying to shrug his shoulders nonchalantly,  
"Just thinking, that's all." The rest of the Saviors having lunch with them got up and wandered off to get everyone back to work, Simon and Rick stayed to finish off lunch, sitting in silence.  
"Hey, Simon, what did you do before all this?" Simon didn't look up from his orange slices as he replied,  
"I was an accountant."  
"Really?" Simon looked up at him this time,  
"No, I wasn't. It doesn't matter what I was before all this, I operate in the here and now." He popped his final orange slice in his mouth, wiped his hands on his jeans and walked off. Evidently Simon wasn't keen on making friends, Rick thought to himself.

The rest of the day passed as quick as the morning had, before he knew it all the boxes were unloaded and were being packed away inside. Rick offered to stay behind and help, but Simon just shook his head,  
"We've got enough people in there, plus Negan wanted you back as early as you could be tonight." Rick was slightly disappointed, he had enjoyed actually doing something around here for once. He knew arguing with Simon was futile, however, if Negan had told Simon he wanted Rick back at a certain time, it was going to happen. Rick began to walk away to head back inside, when Simon called after him.  
"Oh, and Rick? Try not to get side tracked on your way, straight back to your room, you hear me?"  
It looked like Simon also got the memo that Rick wasn't allowed to speak to Sherry. He continued to walk, a small ball of anxiety weighed down on him. Sherry was Negan's spouse, same as Rick, meaning she was allowed certain privileges, and therefore should be just as safe as Rick. But Rick also knew that Negan could give with one hand, and take with the other. He prayed to a God that he didn't believe in that Sherry was okay, and wasn't being punished for Rick's state the previous night.

He got back to his room to find Negan already sat there book in hand, chewing on a paper clip as he read. For a man that's vocabulary only seemed to extend to creative curses, he found it curious Negan spent so much of his free time reading. Rick pulled up the seat opposite him.  
"You're back early." Negan took the paper clip from between his teeth and marked the page he was on.  
"I shuffled my schedule around slightly, thought it might be best if we spent some quality time together." He put the book down on the table and looked over at Rick, his face revealing no trace of what he was feeling. "How was your day?" Rick leant back in his chair,  
"It was alright, thank you, but I don't think Simon cares for me much." Negan chuckled,  
"Yeah, Simon's a real hard ass, trust him with my life though." They lapsed into silence, Negan holding Rick in an even stare, Rick could feel himself becoming uncomfortable under it, like Negan could see through him.  
"You gonna tell me what yesterday was about? One minute we were discussing the finer points of agriculture, the next minute you stormed off to put yourself in a damn near comatose." Rick shifted in his seat, focusing on the grain of the table as he spoke.  
"Why did you come and find me? The tray only held dinner for one last night, you clearly weren't intending on spending the night with me." Negan grinned despite himself.  
"I came to have it out with you for being an ungrateful prick, and tell you I fully intended to leave you to stew with your own company for a couple of days whilst I banged my wives." Rick nodded, seemed like a Negan thing to do. Negan cocked his head slightly, drumming his fingers on the table as he spoke. "Back to the original question, and don't try to pussy foot around it this time." Rick chewed on his lip, still staying focused on the grain of the table. The last person on this earth he wanted to expose weakness to was Negan, it was what Negan preyed on, thrived on even. But as Rick had learnt the hard way over these past few weeks, there was no getting out of these situations, and as always, Negan didn't ask for things, he commanded for them.  
He looked up at Negan, he was still sat there, patiently waiting for an answer.  
"I… When you mentioned pigs…" The wave of nausea began to wash over him, he became acutely aware again of the pounding in his head, "Before Alexandria, we were in a prison, we were trying to build something. I didn't want to lead anymore, I just wanted to step back and live…" He swallowed, his mouth dry. Thinking about the prison seemed like a lifetime ago. "In the prison we started farming, we had some piglets we were raising, they had names and everything, as much as I told Carl not to." He smiled faintly, but the smile vanished as he continued, "But then people started getting sick, the pigs were sick too…walkers were closing in, buckling the fences…I…" He swallowed the lump in his throat, the shrill squeals filling his ears again, "Me and Daryl drove out with the piglets, I cut their legs, I hoped they would bleed out before the walkers got to them, most of them didn't. I…I…"  
"You did what you had to do." Negan said firmly, cutting him off from his train of thought. Negan ran a hand over his jaw, "Shit, Rick, I'm sorry. If I had fucking known I wouldn't have mentioned the damn animals in the first place…" He reached into his pocket, tossing some packets onto the table in front of Rick. They were seeds for beans and tomatoes, Rick picked them up and inspected the packets, cocking an eyebrow at Negan. Negan shrugged, a smile playing on his lips,  
"I swiped them this morning before you spoke to Simon. Think of them as a peace offering."  
"Not quite flowers, but I guess I'll make do." Rick said dryly, Negan laughed, like he did at most of Rick's quips.  
"Is Sherry okay?" Negan stopped laughing immediately, Rick knew he had stepped into dangerous territory.  
"Why wouldn't she be, Rick?" He tried to play it cool, giving a small shrug.  
"You told me I wasn't allowed to see her, Simon made sure I knew that too. I thought maybe you were angry at her, and you-"  
"And I what, Rick?" Negan's voice was calm, but his eyes betrayed him. Rick knew he had to pick his next words carefully.  
"I just don't want you blaming her for my state last night. It wasn't her fault." Negan let out a sigh,  
"She didn't have to give you alcohol like it was fucking water, Rick. Okay, I was the one that set you off with the fucking pig talk, that's my bad. But she was the one that got you steaming drunk, and then instead of finding me to at least tell me you were in a state, she got fucking scarface Dwight to dump you in here and let me find out for myself. So yeah, I am pissed at her. But that doesn't mean I've done anything to her, I didn't want you talking to her until I knew what the fuck was going on yesterday. Like I keep telling you Rick, I treat my spouses right, you're just gonna have to start trusting me on that one."  
"Well can you blame me for being sceptical when our first meeting had you bash in my friends heads?" Rick blurted out. Negan looked like he had been slapped in the face, but he soon returned to his cool resolve.  
"I killed them, yeah. If you're looking for an apology, you won't ever fucking get one Rick. I did what I had to do, just like you have done to still be alive now." Rick opened his mouth to argue back, he refused to believe there were any similarities between him and Negan. He, for instance, didn't take pleasure in killing and terrorising people. But before he got a chance to, Negan cut him off again.  
"You may not like it Rick, but me and you ain't so different. So if you're gonna argue that you killing people was more noble, just remember - **you** killed at least a couple of dozen of my men that didn't even know of your existence. But I don't hold their deaths against you, like you hold your peoples deaths against me."  
At that moment, a knock came at the door, Joseph with their dinner. The tense energy was still in the air, but Negan regardless thanked Joseph for bringing it to them, serving it to both Rick and himself as he had done before. They ate in silence, and Negan cleared the tableware away afterwards, stacking it in a neat pile onto the tray. He sat back down in his chair and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose,  
"Rick, you are my husband now, shit that happened in the past is just that - the past. I know the things that have happened haven't exactly been ideal, but I don't know how many more times I have to tell you that I will always respect you as my husband." _'Haven't exactly been ideal'_ seemed like understatement of the century to Rick. But despite himself, looking at Negan now, he found it hard to keep his resolve of total hatred. He by no means had love for the man, but he could appreciate that he wasn't quite the deranged lunatic Rick had pegged him for.  


Negan yawned against the back of his hand, he shrugged his jacket onto the chair behind him.  
"I'm shattered, care to join me?" Rick wasn't particularly tired at that point, but he joined him in bed regardless, he didn't want to vex Negan anymore so than he already had. He laid there beside Negan, their conversation swimming in his head. More than anything, he wanted to disregard everything Negan said, but the more he thought about it, the more what Negan said struck a chord with him.  
"I killed my best friend, at the beginning of all this." He said to the dark air around him. "I'd known him since high school, and I ended up killing him." Negan flipped over from his stomach to his back.  
"Why'd you do it?" He asked, Rick searched for some deep meaning, but he came short.  
"I told myself it was to protect the group, I told them that too. He was a liability sometimes yeah, but he didn’t need to die for it. In truth I couldn't let go of him sleeping with my wife, of him constantly going against what I said. He wasn't the man I'd grown up with." Rick let out a sigh,  
"Ever since I killed him, things have gone from bad to worse. I don't know…Sometimes I think all of this, everything that has happened since then is karma or something..." Negan scoffed  
"For a smart guy, you sure do say some dumb shit," he sat up slightly, looking up at the ceiling as he spoke, "There ain't no such thing as karma, or fate, or destiny, or any of that bullshit your momma tried to sell to you when you were a kid. The world never has been, and never will be, fair. But that's not necessarily a bad thing." Rick looked over and frowned,  
"You're telling me the world is a shitty place, but I should be happy for it?" Negan chuckled,  
"Not quite what I meant. What I mean is, the world ain't fair, but the world keeps turning, keeps going on regardless if you helped some little old lady across the road or if you stole her purse. The world just _is_. It means that bad things don't happen to bad people because they're bad people. Good _and_ bad things happen to just people." He looked over at Rick, "Your problem is you still believe everything your parents taught you when you were knee high, that there are good people, and there are bad people, monsters. Ain't no such thing as that. There's just people, Rick, doing what they have to do." Rick eyes met Negan's, even in the darkness he could feel just how intense his gaze was. Rick looked at him, and he saw just a man. A tension filled the air as they laid there, just looking at each other.  
"I…I think that's the longest I've heard you speak without cursing." Negan laughed,  
"Go fuck yourself, Rick." He gave him the once over and winked, "I'd love to watch." Rick rolled his eyes and tried to hide his smile.  
"In your dreams." Negan held his tongue between his teeth, a smile playing on his lips.  
"I damn well hope so, and you will be the first to know about any dreams concerning you." Rick flushed bright red, turning his face away. Negan was just so damn forward, he didn't know where the confidence came from. It flustered Rick badly, but a part of him enjoyed it.  
"You can…I mean if you want to…" he kept his face turned away, embarrassment made his face feel like a furnace, his voice quiet as he spoke, "Can you hold me?"  
Wordlessly, an arm snaked gently around Rick. He was stiff at first, but he quickly sunk into the embrace.  
"Night, darlin'." Negan breathed into the back of his neck.  
Rick knew he shouldn't. Negan had done such terrible things. Downright unforgivable things.  
But Rick was still a man, and he still had needs, and getting to give into the need to be looked after was a luxury he was seldom allowed these days.  
And Negan too, was still just a man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't that wonderfully fluffy and angsty?  
> I didn't expect to write this chapter so quick, but I so desperately wanted to give Negan and Rick some proper bonding time, especially after I had Rick puking up his guts up and Negan cleaning the mess last chapter, how grim for everyone around
> 
> As always, thank you so so sooooo much for all of your lovely comments, you have no idea how much I grin when I read them, and they really do spur me on to keep writing when I'm not feeling up to it <3
> 
> Sorry for lack of plot advancement this chapter, I promise we will be back on schedule next chapter!


	6. Bedroom Confessions

For once, Rick woke up first that morning. He woke just as the sun began to peak over the horizon, the room bathed in a red glow, warm and vibrant. Rick shifted slightly, content in this small moment of serenity. Negan shifted behind him, the arm still draped over Rick pulling him closer in his half asleep state. At first Rick welcomed it, then froze.  
What had been going through his mind last night? Why had he _asked_ for this? He had poured his heart out to him last night, let himself be weak. What if this was just another mind game, another way for Negan to get under his skin?  
Slowly, carefully, he extracted himself from Negan's embrace. Creeping silently across the room, he grabbed some clothes and took them into the bathroom. He didn't risk having a shower, he didn't want the noise to wake Negan. Instead he splashed some water on his face from the basin as he brushed his teeth, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He threw his clothes on in the bathroom, quietly padded across the bedroom again, retrieved his boots and the seeds left on the table, then exited. The entire time Negan never stirred, Rick was grateful for it.

Rick stopped on a set of stairs to put his boots on, he hadn't wanted to risk the heavy footfall outside the bedroom door to stir him, so had left the room carrying them. Part of him felt ridiculous for leaving like that, he was an adult for christ sake, a father even, he was too old to be sneaking out on partners. He felt like a teenager again, freaking and fleeing the moment feelings were actually put on the table. But this was more than just some high school crush, it wasn't the idea of kissing and telling that freaked him. Hell, Rick wasn't attracted to men, so it wasn't like he was scared to profess his love for Negan and have it thrown back in his face. But then why had he asked Negan to hold him last night?  
Rick set off for the dining hall for some breakfast. He had just revealed a lot to Negan last night, he hadn't even spoken to Michonne about Shane. He was just feeling vulnerable last night, that was all. It was natural to want some sort of comfort after getting years worth of shit off of your chest.  
He got into the dining hall to find it already surprisingly active at this time in the morning. Rick queued up behind a couple of Saviors he vaguely recognised, he got a few queer looks but at this point he was used to it. But why had it been Negan he had revealed everything to? He knew Negan had a penchant for getting under people's skin with his little games, but you always knew when Negan was toying with you, and Rick hadn't got that vibe once last night.  
He sat down with the world's saddest looking bowel of porridge. He wished he had Michonne here to speak to, someone who could sort through his thoughts methodically.  
Michonne. He realised he hadn't thought about her once since the last time he had been in Alexandria. He missed her, there was no disputing that. But he realised with a slight sinking feeling that he hadn't missed her touch once whilst he had been here. The more he thought about it, he had been so preoccupied with reminiscing on the past that he hadn't given a single thought to the people here _now_. He silently chided himself for it, and as he sat there eating what also tasted like the world's saddest porridge, he made a resolve to find a way back to Alexandria, even if it was just for a visit.

As Rick made his way to the infirmary, he mind was racing with so many thoughts he could barely keep track of one for longer than a few moments. The thought that constantly reoccurred though was him in Negan's embrace last night. He wanted nothing more than to just forget it had happened, but the mind is a fickle thing, and he found himself go red every time he remembered it.  
He reached the infirmary, the wheelbarrow sat in the corner tucked away. Rick tossed the seed packets into it, before having a quick nosey around the room. The infirmary was laid out like a supermarket, shelves split the room into aisles, all the items were sorted into various aisles, depending on if it was food, clothing, utensils and so on. Rick spotted a door in the back corner of the infirmary, unsurprised to find it locked. He could only assume it was where they kept their weapons. He continued down the aisles at a slow pace, passing a lazy glance over the shelves. Just before he was about to leave, something caught his eye - on one of the bottom shelves sat a very old and battered looking mp3 player. He picked it up, his curiosity piqued as to whether the thing still even worked. It took a little fiddling, but he eventually got it to switch on, to his great surprise. He switched it off and pocketed it, along with some batteries and headphones, remembering Negan's words when they first wed that if he wanted it, he got it. He grabbed his wheelbarrow, and headed outside.

The sun was high up and blazing by the time Rick made it outside, but he didn't care about the heat, he was just happy to be away from everyone for a few moments. He took the mp3 player out and stuck the headphones in. He hadn't even checked what music it had on it - if any. He was pleasantly surprised to see it actually held audio books. Whilst Rick had never been much of a big reader, he had always loved being read to as a child, so he assumed he would enjoy an audiobook. He flicked through the list of books, some of them he had never heard of, he did however spot a few titles that he recognised. In the end he settled on 'To Kill a Mockingbird' he vaguely recalled having to read it in 9th grade, but he couldn't really remember the story. A silky voice with a southern twang rang through his ears as he got to work, whilst Rick appreciated that Negan had done his best to make this small plot suitable for Rick, there were a few details he had missed. Rick got to work ridding the entire area of weeds and ploughing the plot properly, his mind finally clearing itself of all thoughts.

Rick didn't hear the footsteps towards him, he only noticed a shadow atop of him. He was on his knees pulling at a particularly stubborn weed, he pulled out a headphone as he looked up. There stood Negan with a couple of Saviors hovering a foot or two behind him. Negan looked down on him, hip jutted out, Lucille draped over his shoulder, he was smiling but Rick couldn't see his eyes properly due to the sun in his eyes.  
"Well _hello_ , my beloved, how are we this fine morning?" Rick wiped his forehead with the back of his hand absentmindedly,  
"I'm fine, thank you, yourself?" Rick could feel the Saviors gaze on him, becoming acutely aware of how sweaty and dishevelled he looked right now. Negan rested on his haunches so he was face to face with him, Rick could see a glint in his eyes, his smile like a shark.  
"You appeared to be missing this morning, my beloved. Could the seeds not possibly have fucking waited?" Rick frowned back at him,  
"I couldn't sleep this morning, so I got up. Do I suddenly need your permission to leave my own room?" Negan stayed smiling, his voice light hearted as he spoke, but his eyes had that look that told a different story.  
"Why of course you don't, Rick, but forgive the fuck out of me for wanting to see my husband before I start the day." Rick just rolled his eyes and continued to pull at the weed at his knees,  
"If I had known it would bother you this much I would've woken you up-"  
"I didn't say it bothered me." Negan snapped. Rick's head snapped up, staring at Negan. Even Negan seemed shocked at his loss of composure for that split second. He hovered there for a moment, before plastering another grin on his face. He straightened up, "I'll see you this evening for dinner, my beloved." He returned back to the Saviors and began to walk back to the Sanctuary. He paused, like he had remembered something. Spinning on his heel, he called back to Rick,  
"And I must admit, seeing you down on your knees is a damn fine sight, don't think I'll ever get tired of seeing it." The Saviors smirked and chuckled amongst themselves, and Rick's face burned with equal parts embarrassment and fury. Rick stuck his headphones in and played the audiobook as loud as possible as he continued to work, trying to focus on every single word in an effort to drown out his own thoughts. 

In the end Rick ripped the headphones out and threw his gloves back into the wheelbarrow, he was too frustrated to even find this relaxing. He dumped the wheelbarrow back in the infirmary, a couple of Saviors watched him as he stormed through the Sanctuary but he didn't care. All he could think about was how much of an asshole Negan was, it was such a juvenile comment but it got to Rick all of the same. He cursed himself for ever thinking anything different about Negan, he should've known that Negan would be bragging to the entirety of this damn building about what he supposedly got up to with Rick, no wonder everyone gave him such odd looks.  
Rick continued to stalk up a flight of stairs, he was just so _angry_ that Negan had made out like Rick was some whipped bitch right from the get go. After all that talk about respecting his boundaries, the soft spoken conversations at night, caring for Rick when he could barely stand straight…  
It was reluctantly that Rick allowed himself to realise he wasn't just angry, he was hurt.

Rick found himself sat on the platform Sherry often used as a smoking spot, gazing out at the gates and land beyond the Sanctuary. He had been sat there for a good 20 minutes or so, hoping she would happen to be out at some point, he just wanted to speak to someone that saw him as another person.  
The door opened behind him, the sound of women's shoes clicking out,  
"Rick?" Sherry gasped, she sunk down next to Rick. Her brown eyes were knitted into a sorrowful gaze. "I am so sorry about the other night, I didn't think you were gonna get that drunk…Did Dwight get you back to your room okay?" Rick waved his hand dismissively,  
"Don't worry about it, Dwight got me back just fine." He left out the part of Dwight dumping him in his room like a dead weight. Sherry gave him a relieved smile,  
"I'm just glad you're okay. When I got told I wasn't allowed to speak to you yesterday, I thought…" Rick frowned at her, she looked down at her hands, "You were so upset, Rick. But you wouldn't talk. When they didn't let me see you I thought perhaps you had…found another way of making yourself feel better…"  
"You thought I hurt myself?"  
Sherry shrugged, still staring at her hands, "You wouldn't be the first." She wrinkled her nose, leaning in and sniffing Rick, "You stink, by the way." Despite himself, Rick laughed, out of the corner of his eye he could see one of Sherry's rare smiles.  
Sherry produced a very worn and sorry looking pack of cigarettes, putting one of them to her mouth she spoke,  
"So, what brings you here anyway?" Rick leaned against the railings in front of them, still gazing out into the distance.  
"Negan's an asshole." Sherry just nodded,  
"You've only just noticed? Or has he done something recently?"  
Rick didn't even know where to start. He didn't want to admit to Sherry that he had started warming to the man, she was the only sane one around here that he could have a normal conversation with - he didn't want her thinking he was deranged like Negan. But as one of Negan's wives, he assumed she would at least understand where he was coming from.  
He took a deep breath, "I thought maybe I had got him wrong, that he wasn't quite as bad as I thought. He hasn't touched me, hasn't hurt me. But it's like there's two damn people in that head of his, and I can never tell which one I'll be speaking to."  
Sherry flicked her cigarette, not looking at Rick as she spoke, "Negan likes things his own way, he can be accommodating, but only when it suits him and his needs. He's like a spoilt kid, he'll only share his toys if he thinks he'll get something from it." She took a long drag and flicked the cigarette butt to the floor below "Most kids grow out of it, but then some don't."  
Rick nodded, "My son used to be like that, my wife was always so embarrassed to pick him up from kindergarten when the teachers would tell her he had snatched from the other kids again.." he smiled at the memories, "She doted on him when he was young, I tried to tell her not to spoil him so much but she never listened." Sherry laughed softly,  
"Well, it is a mother's job to adore her kids." He looked over at Sherry,  
"Did you and Dwight ever have kids?" She froze, Rick just rolled his eyes,  
"Oh come on, for two people who try not to so much as even look at each other you sure spend a lot of time staring." He looked over his shoulder at the closed door, he continued softly, "I won't tell, honestly." She stayed silent for a moment or two, before sighing,  
"I liked kids, Dwight not so much. I knew he always felt awkward around them, like he didn't know what to do, so I would babysit instead. Part of it helped with being so broody, but secretly I also hoped that he'd get used to being around kids and we could start trying…" she waved her hand flippantly, "But then you know the rest of the story, world went to shit, people rising from the dead, et cetera. Couldn't bring a kid into this world now, it's not fair." Lori had thought the same when she found out she was pregnant with Judith. He wondered how much of that was guilt from Judith probably being Shane's child.  
"I miss my kids." He sighed, Sherry looked over at him,  
"Kids? You got more than just a son?" Rick's stomach dropped, but he tried to play it off,  
"Huh? I said kid, I miss my kid, my son." Sherry didn't look wholly convinced, holding Rick in a steady gaze,  
"I told you Rick, it's best not to dwell on it. I know that sounds horrible, but Negan is not going to let you go. The only way you'll see your…people, again, is if they get brought here. And I promise you Rick, if they get brought here, it won't go down as nicely as when you came here."

Rick and Sherry stayed on that platform until Dwight came rushing out, telling them to get back inside. By the time they were beckoned in, the air had a chill to it and the sun had begun to dip. Rick had barely registered so much time had flown by. Sherry shot him an apologetic smile as Dwight barked at them to go to their respective rooms, giving him a final wave as she walked in the opposite direction. Rick took the scenic route back to his room, the last thing he wanted right now was to walk through the door and come face to face with that goddamn grin. He knew he was only delaying the inevitable, but those few extra moments he got to gather his thoughts made it slightly easier to walk through the bedroom door.  
"Hello, darlin'." Negan sat at the table with book in hand as always, he had shrugged his jacket onto the chair, Lucille was perched next to him on the floor. Rick walked straight past him, grabbing some clothes and heading into the bathroom. He took his time in the shower, knowing every moment in it was one less moment out there with Negan. He eventually shut the water off, drying and dressing himself in the bathroom. He exited and Negan glanced up from his book at him, marked the page, and put the book down. Dinner had already arrived and the table set. They sat and ate in silence, Rick keeping his eyes firmly down at the table in front of them.  
"So, how was your day?" Negan asked, moving his plate aside. Rick just shrugged,  
"Can't complain."  
"You were back pretty late, working hard out there, Farmer Rick?" Negan smiled at his little pet name, Rick just looked at him.  
"You could say that." Negan stopped smiling, he gave a frustrated sigh.  
"You're giving me the fucking stink eye, Rick. What in God's name have I done this time?"  
" _'Seeing you down on your knees is a damn fine sight'_? You made me look like a whipped bitch." Rick snapped. Negan frowned at him,  
"For fuck sake Rick, it was a fucking joke. Have you literally been walking around pissed all day because I made a joke and the other kids laughed at you? Are you really that juvenile?"  
"I've been walking around pissed all day because you're an asshole." Negan barked a laugh,  
"You're gonna have to expand there, Rick."  
"You sit here and call me juvenile, yet you're the one putting on a front any time we're not in these four walls. It wasn't a fucking joke out there today, it was you putting on the asshole front. Then we're in these four walls and you're different. You act like I'm not the one trying at all, but it's been me pouring my heart out these past couple of days. It feels like the more I give to you, the less I fucking get." Negan sat there, staring at Rick. He knew he should probably stop, but Negan's lack of reaction irritated him, he wanted a reaction, too see something in those eyes. "You tore me away from everything, from my people, my son, my lover, and then wonder why I'm pissed at you." Still Negan just sat there, watching him. Rick threw his arms up in the air in defeat, got up and threw himself into bed. Negan left the table uncleared, he gently laid down next to Rick, his voice soft,  
"Rick, I…" he tried putting his arm around Rick, but Rick shrugged him off. Negan snapped, "Fine, if you wanna be by yourself then by all fucking means." He got up, grabbing his jacket and Lucille, "I'll go find someone that does want my fucking company." He stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Rick woke up the next morning to an empty bed. He wasn't surprised, nor was he particularly surprised to get back to his room that evening and still find it empty. The days passed by, some days he would spend outside tending to his little farm, other days he would spend it sat with Sherry, there were even a few moments he spent in Josephs little workshop having his ear talked off. It wasn't until the fourth evening of arriving to an empty room that Rick allowed himself to admit that maybe he missed Negan ever so slightly. As he sat eating dinner, he realised that Sherry wasn't lying when she said he could hold a grudge, he hadn't seen him even in passing once around the Sanctuary. He wondered what he was doing, where he had been spending the night, who he had been seeing. He knew that Negan had all of his wives, he wondered if he had been with them, or maybe he was in his own room sulking - that's if Negan even had his own room, Rick had yet to find it if it existed.  
It was on the eighth night alone that Rick heard his door open, rousing him from dozing. Rick nearly sat upright until he heard the sound of Lucille being placed into the corner behind the door. Rick laid there and listened to Negan padding about the room, he was trying to be quiet and failing terribly. The bed sank down on Negan's side as he slipped under the covers, Rick could smell alcohol and women's perfume on him. He rolled over and faced him, Negan stayed staring at the ceiling above them.  
"Hey." Rick yawned, Negan looked over at him, Rick noted the lipstick stain on his lips and neck.  
"I didn't wake you, did I?" he murmured. Rick lifted his wrist and looked at his watch,  
"No, I was laying here fully awake at 3 in the morning." They both chuckled,  
"Sorry, I didn't realise the time when I came here," he looked back up at the ceiling, "I couldn't sleep, I went for a walk and…well here I am."  
"Been a while since I've seen you."  
"I know."  
"Where have you been?" Negan ran his thumb absentmindedly over the lipstick stain on his lips.  
"Oh, y'know, with my wives. I hadn't really spent much time with since you got here."  
They laid there for a while in silence, Rick was pretty much slipping off back to sleep when Negan's voice broke the silence.  
"Remember the first night you were here, and you asked me what I was doing awake?" Rick grunted from the pillow a yes, Negan licked his lips, "I was never much of a reader, but my wife was." Rick sat up slightly, his interest piqued.  
"Which wife?"  
"From before all of this. She constantly had her nose in a book." Negan rested an arm behind his head, his words were quiet and ever so slightly slurred. Rick had never seen him this solemn before. "I used to tease her hard core for it, but in reality I used to love to watch her read." Negan smiled to himself, it was a smile tinged with sadness.  
"How did you meet her?" Rick murmured, Negan's eyes flicked over to him,  
"In a bar. It was pure luck, her friends had convinced her to come out, she didn't normally enjoy that scene. I, however, loved that scene, and jumped straight into trying to add her name to my list of one night lovers. But goddamn, that woman could be fucking stubborn, she wouldn't have none of my bullshit." Negan's eyes were glazed over, the words tumbling out one after another. Rick just laid there and let him speak, in mild fascination at seeing Negan look almost vulnerable. He looked over at Rick, his eyes wet, "I can't sleep since she's been gone. When I read, it's like I can almost pretend she's still here. Sappy, ain't it?" Rick shook his head,  
"No, it's not." He held up his hand, showing his first wedding band, "Lori has been gone for a long time now, but I can't bare to not see this on my finger. It's okay to not be able to forget them." He rubbed his eyes, he had tried his best to stay awake but he wasn't sure he could fight sleep much longer. Rick rolled over, pulling Negan's arm over his body, Negan embraced him, pulling him in tight. He nuzzled his face into Rick's neck, the bristles on his face tickling ever so slightly.  
"Thank you." He breathed into his neck,  
"For what?"  
"For this."

When morning came Rick was the first to stir from sleep. He stayed in bed, dozing as the room began to get lighter from the suns first rays. Behind him Negan began to stir too. Still half asleep, he planted a small kiss on Rick's shoulder. Negan froze, Rick assumed he realised what he had just done, Rick shifted slightly,  
"Morning." He mumbled from his pillow, he could feel Negan still tense behind him, he moved himself a little closer, trying to wordlessly convey that he didn't mind. Negan relaxed, readily pulling Rick closer to himself.  
"Mornin', darlin'." Rick could feel Negan's stubble on the back of his neck, it didn't irritate half as much as he thought it should. They stayed there, laying in an embrace. Rick hated to admit it, but part of him wanted nothing more to continue laying there, and just act like the rest of the world didn't exist past these four walls.  
Eventually, Negan rose from bed and headed to the bathroom. The shower started, and Negan began to bellow some tune Rick had never heard. When he was finished, he threw a towel at Rick's face, telling him to get up. Just like that, it was if the night before had never happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took so long to post another chapter. I can't lie, this chapter was such a ball ache to write, nearly every single paragraph got rewritten once or twice 'cause I just was never happy with how they were coming out. Thank you, however, for your patience, and on going support! I hope you enjoyed this chapter a little more than I enjoyed writing it haha


	7. Feelings have no thoughts, and they ain't got any plans

Before Rick knew it, his time at the Sanctuary had stretched from days to weeks. He very much so followed a routine, one day he would farm, the next he'd work on inventory. This would at least fill his mornings, in the afternoons he often found himself with Sherry, as they found new and creative places to sit and chat about anything and everything - it appeared that Sherry too felt like an outcast amongst Negan's wives. For all the leaps and bounds his and Sherry's relationship had come, his and Negan's had stagnated ever since the night Negan had spoken about his wife. They didn't always spend every evening together, but on the nights that Negan had been elsewhere, he almost always found his way to Rick's room. On the evenings he would spend with Rick, they would converse about their day over dinner, after dinner Negan would always find some sort of 'bonding' to do, normally in the form of board games or card games, he had even had to endure a couple of rounds of ping pong. When they retired to bed, they no longer stayed on separate sides of the bed, Rick would now allow Negan to hold him as they fell asleep. Some nights Rick stirred as Negan became restless and got up, opting to instead sitting in dim light reading. Rick would always pretend to stay asleep, he never wanted to disturb him. In the mornings, he would awake to Negan kissing his shoulder and murmuring his good mornings, then doze until a towel was launched at his head. For the most part, Negan wouldn't seek him out when they were out and about during the day - for that Rick was grateful, he couldn't stand what Negan was like when he had an audience.

It had been a couple of days ago that Rick had plucked up the courage to ask about going back to Alexandria. He had done his best to be agreeable to Negan over the past weeks, not wanting to give him any excuse to say no. It was over a game of cards, Negan had been winning the entire night and was in a particularly good mood.   
"Can I ask you something?" Rick asked casually, tossing a card down onto the table. Negan considered the cards in his hand,  
"Ask away."  
"How are things going with the Alexandria group at the moment?" Rick was careful with his wording, when he had first rehearsed what he would say he had nearly said 'back home'. Negan tossed a card down onto the table.  
"Well enough. They're on time with their pick ups, they don't put up a fuss no more. Why do you ask?" Rick kept his eyes on his cards, keeping his voice fairly neutral,  
"Just wondering." He moved the cards in his hands, trying to gauge how this next part of this conversation would go. "Y'know, Carl's birthday is coming up…" A complete lie. Rick tossed another card down. Carl's birthday was in June, with the days growing shorter and cooler, the beginnings of Fall were upon them. Negan didn't know that though.  
"Is that so? And how old will the young man be?" He tossed a card down almost immediately, his hand at least half the size of Rick's.   
"15." Rick considered his hand for a second, before throwing a card down. Negan let out a little whistle.  
"15. A damn fine age. Not gonna be your boy for much longer now, is he?" Rick stole a glance at Negan, trying to read his face. For the most part Negan was reasonable when they were in these four walls, but this was a big request, if Rick had gauged this wrong there was every chance he would see just how unreasonable Negan could be. Negan threw a card down and smirked, only a couple more cards and he'd win again.  
"I was wondering if I could see him," Rick didn't dare look up from his cards, not yet. "Carl's mom is dead, it's just me and him now…" He picked a card up, his eyes flicked up to Negan. "Even if it's just for an hour or two." Negan didn't look up from him, he stayed looking at his cards. He considered carefully,  
"Are you asking me if I'll let you go to Alexandria?"   
"Yes."  
Negan placed a card down, leaving only one in his hand. Rick considered his hand carefully, he looked up at Negan who kept an even gaze on him. Rick threw down a card. Negan looked down at the card, then up at Rick. His face split into a grin, he tossed down his last card, winning the game.   
"Sure, why not. There are rules though, Rick."

So here Rick was, sat in a car with Dwight on the way to Alexandria. On his lap sat a couple of wrapped presents, a porn magazine Negan had _insisted_ Rick give to Carl as his gift, and a small cake. Rick had tried to not visibly grimace at the cake when it had been handed to him, with red icing 'Happy Birthday Carl' had been crudely etched, around the edge however was grey icing, looking suspiciously like it was meant to be barbed wire. It was a cheap shot, but Rick had grinned and bared it regardless.   
Negan's rules had been fairly lenient, Rick would have to be escorted, he couldn't leave the walls of Alexandria, and he had to be back to the Sanctuary before sundown. He was warned that failure to comply to these rules or failure to come back to the Sanctuary, whether it from his own actions, or from the actions of the people of Alexandria, would lead to everyone being held accountable and everyone being equally punished. Negan didn't divulge what the punishment would be, he didn't need to, Negan didn't do empty threats.  
The drive to Alexandria was silent, Dwight's eyes were fixed to the road in front of them, his infamous frown resting on his face. Rick gazed out of the window, each minute brought him closer to home, closer to his kids and people. The last time he had been in Alexandria he had been embarrassed, this time he didn't even care, he just wanted to see them.

Dwight pulled up outside the gate, after a couple of moments the gate was tugged open and Dwight drove in, greeted by confused stares. Rick practically threw himself out of the car and began to walk to his old house. Dwight followed in hot pursuit, Rick turned and shot him a questioning look, Dwight frowned back at him.  
"You were told the rules. You're to be escorted."   
"Even to my own house?" He asked, incredulous. Dwight took a step closer to Rick, opening his mouth to speak. Daryl made his way through the crowd from Rick's right, Dwight closed his mouth and took a step back. Daryl stared at Dwight, hands balled into fists. He looked between Rick and Daryl, before making his way back to the car.  
"I'm going for a drive, when I get back you best be by those gates ready to go, prick." Rick ignored the name, watching as Dwight peeled out of Alexandria. Rick could feel all eyes on him, that he didn't mind, it was the silence that was getting to him. In the end it was Aaron who broke the silence, pushing his way through the crowd to give Rick a big smile,  
"Welcome back, Rick." He looked down at Rick's full arms, reading the cake on top and frowning, "Carl's birthday isn't for months?" Rick had totally forgotten about the presents and cake.  
"Don't ask." He chuckled. He looked around the crowd, not spotting the faces he was searching for, "Where's Carl? Or Michonne?"   
"They're out at the moment doing a supply run, they should be back soon though."   
"Whose been looking after Judith?" Aaron smiled at Rick,  
"Eric has her at the moment, do you wanna see her?" Wordlessly, Rick made a beeline for Aaron and Eric's home, practically jogging his way there. He stood on the porch for a moment, waiting for Aaron to catch up, inside he could hear Judith's giggles.   
"You don't have to wait for an invitation, Rick, you could've just let yourself in." Aaron said as he led him into the house. Rick hung back slightly behind Aaron, he was dying to see Judith, but he was also painfully aware of how long it had been since he had seen her. He rounded into the living room to see Eric and Judith sat on the ground, playing patty cake. She didn't look up at first, but when she did, she broke into a big grin at the sight of Rick. She squealed in delight, a string of "Da da da" came babbling out of her mouth as she raised her little hands, asking to be picked up. Rick dumped everything in his hands on the kitchen side and lifted her into his arms, she continued to babble away, tucking her head under Rick's chin. He held her close, stroking her little blonde curls, swaying from side to side as he listened to her chatter.  
Aaron gave Eric a hand up from the floor, both of them smiling at Rick and Judith.  
"She's been an absolute delight, Rick. She's constantly been chatting away, and we've tried to take a few steps, although she's still a little wobbly." Eric said, running an affectionate hand through Judith's hair. He gave Aaron's hand a little tug, moving them towards the front door. "We'll go for a little walk, leave you and Judy to have a little quality time." Rick gave them an appreciative smile as Judith waved at them from his arms, he had missed Judith of course, but he hadn't quite realised just how much so. He sat with her down on the ground, indulging her in multiple games of this little piggy, incey wincey spider, and wind the bobbin up. She grinned the entire time, showing off the few teeth she had. Rick grinned back, pride swelling in his chest as she tried taking some wobbly steps unaided, picking herself up every time she fell. It was with a pang he remembered that he would have to leave her again in only a few hours.

By the time Carl and Michonne got back to Alexandria, Rick was laying on Aaron and Eric's sofa with Judith on his chest, dozing. His eyes fluttered open at the sound of the door, Michonne was in first, smiling at the domestic bliss in front of her. Carl was close behind her, a small rare smile on his face.  
"Hey." Rick yawned, trying to carefully sit up as to not disturb Judith. She remained asleep, blissfully unaware at the new company. Rick beckoned Carl over to sit next to him, pulling him into a hug with his one free arm. Carl tried to protest, but Rick pulled him in regardless. "You're never too old to get a hug from your father, Carl." Before all of this, Rick had never been a particularly affectionate parent, he put it down to his own father being the same. He completely and utterly loved Carl, there was no denying, but he had never been big on hugs. He never had to - Lori gave more than enough public displays of affection for the both of them combined. But distance truly did make the heart grow fonder, now all he wanted to do was hold his kids close to him and never let go.  
He looked to both Carl and Michonne, "How have things been?" Michonne leaned against the wall,  
"Things have been okay, me and Carl have been doing runs practically everyday, and having the Saviors only pick up every two weeks lets us go further than we could've if they came weekly." She smiled at Rick, he could tell she was only focusing on the positives.   
Carl, however, had not quite yet grasped the unspoken rules of polite conversation held between adults, and launched straight in with everything else Michonne had left out.  
"Spencer is a pushover, Dad. Every time the Saviors are here he follows them around, giving in to everything they say. He lets them go into our homes, they practically gutted most peoples. We've tried talking to him about going to Hilltop and getting their help to go after the Saviors, he said he would lock out anyone who tried. He's a coward." Carl's voice was filled with venom, Rick looked down at Judith's little peaceful face and shifted in his seat, trying to find the right words.  
"Spencer isn't the bravest, but he is right, going to Hilltop for help is a bad idea. Gregory is an even bigger coward, he would never help and would be running to Negan the moment you stepped out of his gates. Even if he did agree to help, they don't have the people or the skill to help." Carl opened his mouth to argue again, but Rick interjected before he could, "There will be a day to fight back, but that isn't today. You guys are alive and safe, that is all that matters, Carl."  
"This isn't living, Dad. We shouldn't have to provide for them and you shouldn't have to be their prisoner just for them to treat us decently." Before Rick could reply, Michonne spoke up,  
"Carl, why don't you take Judith for a little while whilst me and your dad catch up?" Wordlessly Carl took Judith from Rick's chest, she stirred slightly before going back to sleep on Carl's lap instead. Rick got up and followed Michonne out of the house, they walked for a few moments in silence before Michonne broke it.  
"He misses you, that's all." She looked over to him, "We all do." Rick looked down at his feet, he was only doing what he thought was best, why did no one seem to see that? "How are they treating you there?" Rick gave a shrug,  
"Not as bad as I thought they would. For the most part I'm left to do my own thing, I'm just not allowed to leave there." He left out his evenings with Negan, or befriending Sherry. Michonne was a wonderful, understanding woman, but he wasn't sure she would understand him warming to anyone there. Michonne led them back to Rick's old home, it felt odd walking through the door, everything was the exact same, yet it no longer felt like his. He stood hovering in the kitchen, Michonne sat by the kitchen side, her gaze heavy on Rick.  
"What about Negan? Has he…" she paused, looking for the right words. He knew what she was implying, and shook his head.  
"No, Negan hasn't done anything bad to me." Not a strict lie, the most Negan had done was hold Rick at night, and seen him naked when Rick was wasted. Michonne got up from the kitchen side, closing the space between her and Rick, her eyes hooded and voice soft.  
"I've missed you, Rick." She leant in and kissed him, pulling at Rick's hips. Rick put his hands on her hips instinctively, but didn't kiss her back. She pulled away, confusion on her face. "What's wrong?" She asked, Rick's own face went red.  
"I'm sorry, Michonne, I…" he sighed, "I can't. I just can't. Negan will know."  
"It's okay, I understand." She took his face into her hands, "I promise you, Rick, we will get you out of there soon." Rick shot her a smile, but didn't say anything.   
A noise outside gave Rick an escape. He looked out of the window to see an argument breaking out between Spencer, Aaron, Eric and Daryl, with a small crowd building around them. As soon as he opened the door he could hear just how loud the shouting had got, Spencer looked practically deranged. Spencer saw Rick walking towards them, letting out a harsh laugh.  
"Well if it isn't Rick Grimes himself! You enjoying your little day trip?" he turned back to Aaron and Eric, "Neither of you felt the need to tell me he was here? You just thought you’d let him stroll in?"  
"Technically he was driven in." Eric replied curtly. Aaron shot him a look before looking back at Spencer.  
"One of the Saviors drove him here, I'm sorry, I assumed you knew."  
"No, I didn't. It's up to me to decide who comes through those gates." He shot daggers in Rick's direction, Daryl scoffed,  
"What, you think 'cause the Saviors put you in charge, you're suddenly hot shit? Quit your braying, no one gives a damn about your opinion." Spencer whipped his head round and glared this time at Daryl, but was smart enough not to square up to him.   
"Like it or not, _I'm_ the one in charge here, _I_ make the calls, and _I_ want him gone." Eric barked a laugh,   
"So do you expect Rick to walk all the way back to them? Or will him just sitting outside the gate satisfy you?" Aaron shot Eric another look, Rick could only imagine the tense conversation they would have later that night. Spencer took a step towards Eric, puffing out his chest as he spoke.  
"You're welcome to join him outside that gate." anger flashed in Aaron's eyes, but Daryl got there first. He started towards Spencer and growled,  
"If you don't shut your mouth I'll throw you over that gate!" Rick quickly jumped in the middle of the argument.  
"Now everyone just calm down!" He turned to Spencer, keeping his voice steady as he spoke. "I'm sorry you weren't aware that I was here, I'm not here to cause grief, I was just here to make sure my kids and friends are okay. I know you don't want me here but until Dwight comes back I can't leave. That's not me try to cause trouble, one of Negan's rules for me coming here was I wasn't allowed to go past the walls unless I was arriving or leaving."  
"That's not my problem." Spencer sneered, Rick took a deep breath and stayed calm.  
"Yes, it is Spencer. Negan warned that if his rules were broken, everyone will be held accountable. Now, you and I both know that if I go past those walls, Negan _will_ find out. Do you wanna find out what the punishment will be? 'Cause I sure as hell don't." Spencer continued to glare at Rick, Rick stared back calmly, not even aware at all the eyes on them.   
"I'll let it slide this time," Spencer's voice was a harsh whisper, "But in future, you won't get through those gates without my permission." Anger flared inside Rick, he squared up to Spencer, towering over the younger man.  
" **Your** permission? I don't _need_ your permission. I'm here because I had Negan's permission, because you and your authority is irrelevant without his. **He** is the only reason you're in charge here, not through your own merit. Don't like it? Then why don't we swap places, Spencer? _You_ can go lay in his bed every night." Everyone stared at Rick slack jawed, even Daryl looked shocked at Rick's little outburst. He didn't care, out of all people, Spencer was one of the last that Rick wanted to have to snivel and bow to, he hadn't earned the respect to be called a leader. 

Spencer opened and closed his mouth, searching for some sort of retort. The sound of a car horn at the gate gave him the chance to walk away without thinking of one. Rick supressed a groan, he had barely even seen Carl and now he was being whisked away. He ran a hand over his face and turned to Aaron,  
"Can you please go get Carl so I can say goodbye? Make sure someone else has Judith, they still don't know about her." Rick made his way towards the gate, Daryl walked beside him as Michonne walked off with Aaron.   
"Is Spencer always like that now?"   
"Pretty much."  
Rick had thought as much. People like Spencer could very quickly get drunk on the power they think they have.   
"Daryl, I need to ask something of you…" He took Daryl to the side, making sure they were far enough away from everyone else. Daryl gave him a quizzical look, but stayed quiet. Rick spoke in a low voice. "You're one of the last ones that's been with me now since the beginning, I couldn't have got here without you. You're my brother, Daryl. I want you to promise me, if anything goes down here, or anything happens to me, take Judith and Carl, look after them. There's not many people I would trust my life with, fewer that I would trust my kids lives with, but I know I can count on you to do right by them." He looked into Daryl's eyes as he processed everything Rick had just said, he felt bad that it was so much to take in but he didn't know when he'd get a chance to speak to him again. Eventually Daryl nodded,  
"Sure thing, Rick." They continued to walk to the gate, Dwight was just beginning to pull up inside. "What about Michonne, though? Isn't this something you should ask her to do?" Rick's gaze fell to his feet and he just shook his head. He knew Michonne would never, ever, intentionally hurt his children. But he had seen it before, with her and the Governor, she couldn't let things go, she had to get even. Michonne had many wonderful qualities, she was smart, tactical, loyal, and so very caring. But caring could be a disadvantage too, Glenn and Abraham's deaths, along with Rick being taken away to the Sanctuary had given her a new thirst for revenge, he could see that, even if she couldn't yet. Rick adored her, but he couldn't let his kids be dragged down with her if she made a rash decision. He knew he could rely on Daryl to do what Rick asked of him, even if he didn't always agree, and he had proved more than once he would fight for Carl and Judith with everything in him. He may not be able to show the same emotional range as Michonne, but he would be able to improve Carl's skills to survive, and begin showing Judith once she was old enough, and Rick knew he would give his life for them both.  
Carl ran up behind them as they reached the gate, his brows knitted together in a frown,  
"You're leaving already?" Rick nodded, trying to ignore the hurt look on Carl's face. He felt terrible, throughout all of this, the one thing Rick took solace in is that him and Carl had each other. As much as Carl wanted to believe that he was a man now, he was still a boy and it was clear he felt abandoned. Rick pulled Carl into his arms, this time without protest.  
"I will be back as soon as I can, I promise." He murmured into the top of his head. He pulled away and held Carl by the shoulders, just looking at his son. He found himself drawn to the bandage over his eye, it was a constant reminder of his failure to keep him safe. Rick would've given anything to stay in Alexandria with his kids, he even considered for a moment asking if they could come stay with him in the Sanctuary. He quickly dismissed that idea, however. He still couldn't tell just how safe he was around the Saviors.  
Behind him Dwight began to grow impatient, Rick gave Carl's shoulders a squeeze before climbing into the car. Dwight pulled out of Alexandria, it was with a heavy heart Rick watched the gates shrink until they were just a speck in the distance.

Dwight pulled up outside the Sanctuary just as the sky was beginning to turn red. If speed limits were still a thing, he must've broken a fair few to get them back in time, Rick mused. He had barely parked the car when Rick had jumped out - Rick just wanted to go to his room and relax, between Spencer and Michonne he felt physically and mentally exhausted. He got to his room and saw it was empty, he hated himself for being disappointed about that.  
Rick laid down on the bed and let out a sigh, his mind kept replaying Michonne's lips on his, her hands pulling him in and he just stood there. He told her that he couldn't because Negan would find out, but Rick had lied to Negan before without a problem. Rick did love Michonne, but not in the way she loved Rick. He was just too chicken to admit to her that he simply felt nothing when she kissed him.   
"Someone seems to be deep in thought." Negan crooned from the doorway. He came in and as always put Lucille in the corner behind the door. Rick watched him, he had never got over just how oddly normal Negan looked in the evenings. He still looked like Negan, sure, but he didn't have Lucille hung over his shoulder, his mind wasn't racing with mind games. Negan laid down on the bed next to Rick, resting his head on his arm.  
"Did Carl have a good birthday?"  
"Yeah, it was a good birthday." Rick chewed on his lip, still thinking about Michonne's actions and Spencer's words. He wished he hadn't seen either of them and had been able to just spend the day with Carl and Judith.   
"I think you're leaving out a few details, Rick." It wasn't an accusation, more of a statement. Rick looked over at Negan, trying to gauge his mood. He looked okay, calm, Rick just hoped he wouldn't be himself and over react. He decided to tell him about Spencer first, it seemed like the safer confession.  
"Spencer wasn't happy about me being in Alexandria today. Said next time I tried to go into Alexandria I needed his permission."  
"His opinion is fucking irrelevant. He answers to me." Negan looked over to Rick, "Next time there is a pick up, I'll have Simon teach him a thing or two about manners." Rick shook his head.  
"No, leave him be." Negan frowned at Rick,  
"Rick, I won't have anyone mistreat you, or any of my spouses. I made him, and he needs to fucking know I can break him." Rick didn't particularly care for Spencer, especially after his behaviour today, but he defended him regardless.  
"Attacking him is like attacking the entirety of Alexandria in their eyes. Please, it's fine, I'm not phased." Negan seemed to mull over his words, before reluctantly nodding.  
"Okay Rick, if that's what you want."  
Negan had proven himself to be rational, courteous, and in some cases downright caring. Rick wish he never had, it would be easier to demonise him if he hadn't. Rick licked his lips and looked over to Negan, he wasn't sure how this next confession would go down.  
"I need your word, Negan. That you're gonna hear me out and not over react, okay?" Negan didn't reveal any emotions as he nodded,  
"You have my word." Rick took a deep breath, no amount of rehearsals in his head could ever prepare him to speak to Negan.  
"Back when I was in Alexandria, I was seeing someone. When she saw me today, she kissed me." There was a pause.  
"Did you kiss her back?" Negan's voice was level, but his jaw was tight, he wouldn't look at Rick.   
"No, I didn't. I told her I couldn't." Negan jaw loosened, he stayed staring at the ceiling.  
"Okay. I trust you." No, don't do that, don't be understanding, Rick thought to himself. This whole affair would be so much easier on Rick mentally if he didn't have feel some sort of weird pull to Negan. Negan looked over at him and smiled, "Thank you for telling me." Rick watched Negan's lips as he spoke, the way his tongue would flick out to his lower lip before he spoke, how his mouth always seemed to have the faintest hints of a smile. His stomach was in knots, it was with a sinking feeling he realised he wanted to close the space between them and kiss him. It was the wrong feeling, he shouldn't feel that when he looked at Negan, he should feel hatred, repulsion, anger… but none of those feelings were emerging. He moved closer to him, Negan's dark eyes hooded as he looked back at Rick, with traces of a question in his eyes.  
A knock came from the door. Negan's eyes flicked down to Rick's own lips, holding his tongue between his teeth as he looked. He shot Rick a smile as he got up and answered it. Rick laid back onto the bed frustrated and confused, rubbing a hand over his face.  
"Dinner's here, Rick." Negan said as he set the table. Rick had half a mind to just stay on the bed, his mind was racing and adrenaline coursed through him. He had wanted to kiss Negan, he had tried to kiss Negan. What was wrong with him? He got up and sat opposite Negan as they ate it silence, Rick tried to think about something, anything else. But he kept coming back to the idea of kissing Negan. He hated himself for wanting to. 

Rick took himself to bed as Negan cleared the table, he wasn't in the mood to stay up and play some game with Negan and talk, he just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in the morning and remember how much he hated this situation.   
From behind him a strong arm looped around, pulling him closer. Rick was annoyed at himself for welcoming it. Negan leant his head into Rick's shoulder, his voice barely above a whisper as he spoke.  
"Night, darlin'." He planted a small kiss on his shoulder, then nestled his head down to sleep. As Rick laid there listening to Negan's soft breathing, he couldn't decide what he hated himself more for - for wanting to kiss Negan, or for not actually kissing him. Rick fell into a fitful sleep, fiddling with the wedding band on his finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would suck if I got everyone's hopes up that Negan and Rick were gonna finally start acting like an actual couple, then cut it off at the last second, wouldn't it? _*Shifty eyes*_ Sorry folks! There is always next chapter!
> 
> As always, thank you so much to your comments, it is so unbelievably cool that people are reading (and enjoying!) something I started writing on a whim. After posting a chapter I always spend the next couple of days grinning anytime my phone pops up with an email saying I received another comment. I'm so grateful that you take the time out to comment telling me what you think <3


	8. Falling in love tonight

"Rise and shine, Rick! You're burning daylight!" A towel slapped him in the face, Rick lifted his head from the pillow with a groan.  
"Why? Just why do you insist on launching a towel at my face every morning?" Negan stood across from him, towel wrapped around his hips as he dried his hair. He just grinned at Rick.  
"Cause it's such a good way to wake you up. Get's you raring to go for the day." Rick ran a hand over his face, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.  
"The only thing it does is increase the desire to smack you and that goofy grin." Negan's eyebrows shot up, his grin growing bigger.  
"Well Rick darlin' I never took you for the rough type but I won't complain!" Rick rolled his eyes, grabbing his towel and stomping into the bathroom,  
"You're such an asshole." He muttered under his breath. Negan watched him go, his tongue held between his teeth.  
"Don't act like you don't love it."

Rick was midway through washing his hair when Negan banged on the door.  
"I gotta get going early today, Rick. I'll catch you later." He called through the door, a few moments later Rick heard the bedroom door click behind Negan. He wondered for a moment what was so urgent that it required Negan's attention at this time in the morning, but he couldn't say he'd spend the entire day fretting about it. He got out of the shower and got dressed, he was slightly grateful for Negan leaving so soon - it meant he got the lions share of breakfast for once, Negan always hoarded all the eggs for himself. As with every morning, once Rick was dressed and had finished breakfast he set off to check on his crops. He decided to just do a maintenance check today, the battery inside his mp3 had died a few days back and the Saviors hadn’t found another yet that fit, much to Rick's irritation - he was mid way through To Kill a Mockingbird. Without something to distract him, he knew he would be left to his own thoughts and right now that was the last thing he wanted.  
After Rick had finished watering and pulling out one or two weeds, he set off through the concrete maze to search for Sherry. It was always a short search, however, as she was almost always either with the rest of Negan's wives or smoking outside, and she always walked the same routes. Rick caught her as she was just walking down a stairwell, she shot him a smile.  
"Hey, Rick. Care to join me?" Wordlessly he followed her, out to the platform. Rick found it weirdly unguarded, considering it essentially was a direct route to the outside, right above the gates. He had asked Sherry about it before, she had merely gestured to the chained up walkers, stating they were the guards.  
"So, how was Carl's 'birthday?'" She put her fingers up as quotations, before fishing out her cigarette packet. Sherry had been kind enough to help Rick figure out the best way of asking Negan to let him go back to Alexandria, making her the only one in the Sanctuary privy to Rick's white lie. Rick gave a small shrug.  
"It was going okay, but then their new leader took offense to me being there, tried to tell me I needed permission." Sherry raised an eyebrow, she put a cigarette to her lips.  
"Guy sounds like a jackass." Sherry took a long drag, exhaling the smoke with a sigh, "Yesterday was a drag. Without you around I was just stuck in that room all day, and the rest of the girls don't really talk to me anymore."  
"You saying you missed me?" Rick teased, Sherry gave him a shove, but he could see she was smiling,  
"I'm saying I missed having some company."  
"Well I'll take it anyway." Rick laughed, he knew Sherry would never admit to caring for anyone, her saying she missed having company was the closest she would get to saying she missed Rick. Rick couldn't say he blamed her, she had essentially isolated herself from everyone and everything since she became Negan's wife. "Hey, Sherry, can I ask you something?" She took another drag and nodded. "Do you ever speak to Dwight? I mean properly, not just comments as you pass each other." Sherry stayed quiet for a moment, her face neutral as she had a couple more tokes of her cigarette.  
"Sometimes. At first I avoided him at all costs, I was afraid if I spoke to him Negan would think something was going on. Eventually we started to speak again, but I think we both realised it wasn't the same anymore."  
"Why wasn't it the same anymore?" Sherry sighed again,  
"He wasn't the man I love. I look at him, and I don't see the Dee I fell in love with." She took a final toke, and flicked the butt down to the ground. "Do you remember the moment you fell in love with your wife? I remember the moment I fell in love with Dee." She leant against the railings in front of them as she spoke. "It was on our third date. We had gone to the cinema to watch a movie, I don't even what it was anymore. What I do remember, however, was Dee forgetting where he had parked the car, I couldn't even help him out because my sister had dropped me off so I didn't have a clue. We were running around the parking lot trying to find his car, getting drenched in the rain, Dee was trying to protect me with his jacket but the rain was so hard it soaked through. We found his car, got in and sat there, soaking wet, we were supposed to go to dinner after the movie but there was no chance of that happening now. And Dee just started laughing, like it was the funniest damn thing…" Sherry had the saddest smile on her face as she spoke, her eyes alive and burning with adoration. "I began to laugh too, we just sat there laughing for awhile, then he leant over and kissed me. In that moment I knew I loved him." Sherry opened her mouth like she wanted to continue, but just turned away from Rick, supressing a small sniffle. She took a moment to compose herself, before turning back to Rick and giving him an apologetic smile. It was the most emotion Rick had ever seen in Sherry, he gave her hand a gentle squeeze.  
"How did you and Dwight meet, if you don't mind me asking?" Sherry gave a small chuckle.  
"I was a babysitter, I used to take this client's son and daughter to school and pick them back up every Thursday. Their school was only a couple of blocks away from their house, so I used to walk them there. We used to always walk past this construction site, and there Dee would be. He had this school boy smile and I was just completely enamoured. Even the kids noticed, making kissy faces at me every time we walked past." Sherry laughed, shaking her head. "But Dee never said anything to me, he'd always smile as I went past, but never even waved or said hello. Then one day my car broke down, so I had to walk 45 minutes from my house to the kids' house to pick them up for school. I got there and my client said she would no longer require my services anymore and took the kids to school. I was so pissed I came all that way for nothing, had this woman never heard of a cell phone? Just as I turned my ass around and started walking home, it started to rain. I walked past that construction site, and I don't know what came over me. I marched straight up to Dee, and said I'd let him take me on a date if he drove me home right now. He looked like a shocked guppy for a second, but he did it.  
"When after dating him for a couple of weeks, it was time for him to meet the family. My daddy was furious, saying he raised me better, that no blue collar trailer trash was stepping foot in his house. But then Dwight showed up in his best shirt and tie, a bunch of flowers for my mom in one hand and a bottle of bell's for my daddy in the other, and that boyish grin on his face. By the end of the night my dad was telling me what a 'mighty fine boy' I had found." Sherry smiled again, but it didn't have the traces of sadness like before. She turned to Rick, tilting her head as she spoke. "Enough of me reminiscing, how did you and your wife meet? If you don't mind me asking."  
"In a bar, not quite as romantic as yours." Rick chuckled, rubbing his jaw as he reminisced. "Me and Shane had just graduated from college, and Shane had dragged me out to celebrate us about to become cops like we'd always dreamed. I was at the bar getting us some drinks when he comes charging over to me, this serious look on his face, and said the words I heard my entire childhood with him, _'Rick, you gotta do me a solid'_. He starts babbling in my ear about this smoking blonde, how she's totally into him, and can I chat to her friend? I'm about to tell him to piss off, when he points out this blonde and her friend. The moment I saw Lori… well, I didn't need telling twice, I slapped another 20 on that bar as I ordered two more drinks. Like most of Shane's relationships, him and the blonde fizzled out after six weeks or so, but me and Lori kept getting closer and closer. I never knew I wanted to have a family until I met Lori…  
"The moment I knew I loved her was when we were grocery shopping. Lori had this nasty habit of just walking off, used to drive me absolutely crazy when I'd realise I'd been talking to thin air for the past ten minutes. So, I'm storming along the aisles trying to find her, when I spot her at the end of this aisle just looking at something on a shelf. And I just stopped, my breath caught in my throat. I'd seen Lori a thousand times, but this felt like the first time I'd ever _really seen_ her. There's was something about her, stood there thinking no one else was looking at her, it felt like the first time I had truly seen Lori. She looked over at me and smiled, and that's when I knew I loved her." Rick hadn't realised he had been playing with his wedding band this entire time. He slid the ring back onto his finger, looked over at Sherry and gave her a small smile, "We're a couple of saps, you know that?"  
"What can I say? Misery does love company." she gave him a light tap on the arm, "C'mon now, let's head inside. You best've remembered that pack of cards 'cause I feel a rematch from last time."

Rick and Sherry sat in the corner of Negan's wives room at the bar, playing cards. Sherry pulled a face as Rick won yet another game.  
"I swear you fix this game or something."  
"No, you just have a bad game face." Rick chuckled, picking the cards up and shuffling. At that moment, the door swung open and in came Negan. Sherry's face dropped, she instinctively picked up her drink and took a large gulp, the rest of the wives didn't seem as fazed, and continued with whatever it was they were doing. Rick continued to shuffle, keeping watch of Negan out of the corner of his eye as he milled around the room, kissing one wife, chatting to the other. Rick did his best to bury the small part of him that was jealous to see Negan kiss his wives. He placed the deck down on the table and gave Sherry a small kick, inclining his head down to the deck. He knew she didn't want Negan to come over, it was all the more reason he willed her to just carry on as normal - he knew if Negan picked up on any sign of discomfort he would home in.  
Sherry began to begrudgingly deal, but it was too late, Negan had looked over and was homing in.  
"Well look at you two! It just tickles my balls to see how well you two have jelled together..." Negan pulled a stool over, sitting in the middle of Rick and Sherry. "You guys mind if I join in? I do love a game of cards."  
"It's a two player game." Sherry said through gritted teeth, Negan simply grinned.  
"Well then I'll be a spectator! Go on Sherry, deal the cards." Sherry sat there, unmoving. Negan's face twisted, his voice now low, "Do not make me ask twice." Rick supressed the urge to wince, he couldn't stand interacting with Negan when he was around the Sanctuary for this exact reason.  
"Hey, Negan," Rick murmured, Negan turned his attention away from Sherry, to Rick's relief. Negan was all smiles for Rick,  
"Yes, darlin'?" he practically purred. Rick couldn't help but melt ever so slightly at the pet name, a small smile on his face under Negan's gaze. It didn't go unnoticed by Sherry, however, who simply stared at him.  
"Will you be in my room tonight? I… I really want to talk to you, in private." Negan tilted his head, gazing at Rick, holding his tongue between his teeth. Rick hated it when Negan fixed him with that look, it always felt like he could stare straight into his mind, read all of his thoughts. Rick did his best not to squirm and just look back at Negan, he hoped he didn't look as uncomfortable as he felt. Negan clicked his tongue and nodded his head.  
"Sure, Rick, I'll see you tonight." Negan's eyes ran up and down Rick, when his dark eyes met Rick's he gave him a crooked grin and a wink. He got up from his stool and left both Sherry and Rick to go bother another one of his wives, by the looks of it this time he had turned his attentions to his young, blonde wife. Rick let out a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding in, taking a small swig from his own drink. He looked over at Sherry to see her still staring at him. He shot her a questioning look, but she shook her head, pointing her eyes in Negan's direction. Rick frowned at her, but nevertheless waited patiently for Negan to grow bored and leave. It didn't take long - Negan was like a magpie, his eye was constantly attracted to whatever he thought was most interesting.  
As soon as Negan left Rick opened his mouth to speak, but Sherry cut him off.  
"What was _that_ about?" She hissed, her eyes shooting to the door just in case Negan wasn't truly gone. Rick frowned at her.  
"What was _what _about?"__  
"Rick, I saw that look. One sweet word and you were butter." Sherry almost sounded disgusted, shaking her head as she spoke.  
"You don't know what you're talking about. I thought you'd want his attention off of you so I took it off of you, that's it." Sherry shook her head again.  
"Rick… I don't know what you two get up to in the evenings he spends in your room, but he's making you think he's something he ain't."  
"What do you mean?" He bristled. Rick knew exactly what she meant, but he asked all the same. Sherry looked at him with sad, sympathetic eyes. Did she actually feel _sorry_ for Rick?  
"He's got you thinking he's someone decent really, but you should know better than most what he's like rea-"  
"You don't know the half of what I know!" Rick snapped. The entire room stared at him, Sherry's eyes were wide at his outburst. He downed the last of his drink and stormed out of the room, he heard Sherry call after him but she didn't follow him. 

Rick spent the rest of the day bumming around the Sanctuary, floating from this place to that place. He thought about going to help with inventory, or even speaking to Joseph for a bit, but decided against both of them. Rick found a secluded spot outside to sit in the shade, it seemed like one of the few places that didn't have a Savior watching it.  
He regretted snapping at Sherry, but he couldn't help but feel anger at her presumptions. But Rick was also angry with himself, and so very confused. He still couldn't forget the circumstances of how him and Negan first met, nor could he forget that he didn't really have a choice on marrying Negan.  
But Rick also couldn't ignore the pang of jealously when Negan was kissing his wives and not him, or forget the gentle affection he had received from Negan when he could barely stand.  
No. Rick couldn't feel this way. Even if he took out of the equation _who_ Negan was, that didn't take away what Negan was, and that was a man. Rick wasn't attracted to men in the slightest, not once in the four odd decades he had been on this Earth. But then he'd remember Negan's arms around his, or his dark gaze on Rick as he seemed to read every thought in his mind and god damn if it didn't stir something in Rick.  
He played with the wedding band on his finger again. He wondered what Lori would've made of this entire situation. Whenever he had laid with Michonne, he had always told himself that she would want him to move on, find at least a small amount of happiness in this world. He couldn't say that she'd feel the same way now. If anything, he could imagine how disappointed she'd be at the man Rick had become to survive this world, the man he was making Carl become too.  
Rick held his head in his hands. He wanted to get up and do something, anything to focus on something else and just _forget_. It had been how he'd been able to keep going, he had never had to worry about the morals and the why's of the things he had done because he had never had time to question them.  
He missed being a leader, having people bring their problems to him so he wouldn't have to focus on his own for a little longer.  
"What are you doing out here?" Rick looked up to see Dwight.  
"What does it look like?" Rick replied curtly. Dwight continued to stare for a moment or two, before sitting down beside Rick, pulling a packet of cigarettes from his pockets. He pulled one out, then offered another to Rick. Rick tilted his head, confused at the sudden lack of hostility from Dwight.  
"Did Sherry send you?" Dwight shook his head, pocketing the pack and pulling out a lighter.  
"No. You're just sat in the spot where I like to smoke."  
"Sorry."  
Dwight took a toke, and shrugged his shoulders. Clearly a man of few words, Rick thought dryly. Not unlike a man he knew back in Alexandria.  
"Why did you come back here, Dwight?"  
"Told you, this is where I smoke."  
"You know what I mean, Dwight. Why did you come back to the Sanctuary after you ran away?"  
Dwight just shrugged his shoulders again.  
"It beats being dead out there."  
"Don’t you hate Negan though, for what he's done to you? For what he's made you do? Don't you ever want to at least _try_ and make it out there?" Dwight seemed to mull it over for a moment, taking another drag before he spoke.  
"Even if I was out there, there would still be shitty things I'd have to do. We're all alive right now because we've had to make tough choices that more often than not made someone else suffer. We've all got blood on our hands."  
"But there's tough choices, and then there's shitty actions. Can you honestly say you agree with everything that Negan does?" Rick asked in a low voice, Dwight regarded him for a moment out of the corner of his eye, then took a toke.  
"I dunno. All I know is I'm alive right now, and that's 'cause I'm here." He finished off his cigarette, throwing the butt to the side of him. He got up and gave his jeans a quick wipe, "Now get your ass back inside, you're supposed to be where someone can see you at all times." 

That evening Rick returned to his room to find it empty. He tried to remain patient at first, trying to pass the time by people watching out of the window. However, as the room grew darker as the evening progressed, Rick soon found himself laying on the bed, staring at his watch.  
The door creaked open and Rick's head shot up, but to his disappointment it was only someone bringing in a tray with dinner. The disappointment continued when he saw it was clearly a dinner for one. He gave a silent nod in thanks, but he couldn't hide how sullen he was. As he ate dinner in silence, he wondered if Negan was genuinely busy still, or if he was just keeping Rick waiting because he had for once asked for him. Rick threw his dinner to the side, he had worked himself up too much and didn't have much of an appetite. He silently cursed himself for giving a damn for someone who was an expert at mind games, and cursed himself once more for getting pulled into them. 

It was only when Rick had pretty much given up on seeing Negan that night that he came strolling in, with that famous strut he had like he had all the time in the world. Rick had been midway through changing for bed, freezing on the spot half naked as Negan shut the door behind himself. He looked up at Rick and gave him a smile with tired hooded eyes.  
"Evening, Rick." He placed Lucille in the corner of the room like he always did, before sitting down on a chair to kick his boots off. "Sorry I'm so late, some shit went down today that needed to be attended to." Rick pulled some shorts on and sat opposite Negan on the end of the bed. He had seen Negan in many states, but he had never seen him look drained in quite this way.  
"Everything alright?" Rick asked, the way the moonlight filtered through the window gave made Negan look almost like he was glowing, but it also cast enough shadow on his face that Rick couldn't read it.  
"Yeah, some shits got too big for their boots, but it's all gonna be sorted soon, nothing to worry about." He suppressed a yawn against the back of the hand and stretched, his shirt raising and showing off the dark hair on his abdomen. Rick couldn't help but stare, the way Negan's muscles tensed and relaxed as he moved was both fascinating and beautiful.  
"So what was it you wanted to talk about, Rick?" Rick pulled his eyes away, now snapped back into reality. Rick had half forgotten that he had wanted to speak to Negan, not just watch him.  
"I want to be able to visit Alexandria regularly." Negan stiffened, for a moment Rick genuinely thought he would just say no outright.  
"Why?" Was all he said. Rick frowned at him, surely he didn't have to explain the obvious?  
"It doesn't matter where I am, I'm still a father, and I miss my son. Like I told you, his mom is dead, we only have each other now." A poor choice of words it seemed, Rick didn't need to see Negan's face to see he was irritated.  
"Why do I get the feeling you're not being honest with me, Rick? Why do I get the feeling Carl isn't the only reason you want to be in Alexandria? Almost like there is another reason… maybe another person?"  
_Judith_. How the fuck did Negan know about Judith?  
Rick did his best to stay calm, keeping his voice level as he spoke.  
"I don't know what you're talking about, Negan." Negan barked a harsh laugh.  
"Don't kid a kidder, Rick, it's her, isn't it?"  
"Who?"  
"Don't fuck me around, Rick. I know you want to go back to that girlfriend of yours." Negan snapped. Rick pulled a face. Michonne? Negan thought Rick wanted to go on a booty call? Rick couldn't help it, he began to laugh, much to Negan's annoyance.  
"You think this about me getting some action? I told you about her kissing me, why would I then go sleep with her?" Negan sat opposite Rick huffing, was Negan actually jealous? "Are you jealous or something?"  
"Why would I be jealous? I just don't want my spouses cheating on me." Negan snapped. It certainly looked like jealousy, and Rick would relish the one moment where Negan didn't have composure. Rick continued to laugh, shaking his head.  
"For a guy that can read people so well, you can be really clueless sometimes." Rick checked his watch and stretched, it was beginning to get late. He could feel Negan's gaze on him, it used to be something that made him uncomfortable, not so much these days now. "Look, you don't have to give me an answer right now, but if you can let me know either way at some point in the future that would be great." Rick climbed into bed, he listened to Negan pad around the room for a few minutes before his side of the bed sunk down. Negan wrapped his arm around Rick, pulling him in closer, with his other hand he ran his thumb gently over the knotted scar tissue in his shoulder.  
"How'd that happen?" Negan murmured into the crook of his neck.  
"Got shot on the job, fell into a coma, woke up in this world." He heard a low whistle from behind him.  
" _Damn_ , I can't imagine what kinda shit was going through your head when you woke up to this horror show." Rick could remember it vividly.  
"My first thought was to get home, make sure Lori and Carl were okay. When I thought they were gone I didn't want to be here anymore."  
There was a silence between them for a few moments. Quietly, tenderly, Negan broke it.  
"What happened to her?" Rick shuffled uncomfortably for a few moments, careful to keep his back to Negan.  
"Our group had just found a prison, abandoned. Or, at least we thought it was, somehow some guys had managed to survive inside without knowing what was going on outside. I had to deal with two of them, one of them I outright killed, the second one I thought I did. The son of a bitch started setting off alarms to lure walkers in. I got separated from Lori, I guess the stress of it all became too much and…" Rick shrugged, deliberately trailing off from the labour that killed her.  
Negan laid there for awhile, silent. Rick honestly thought that Negan had fallen asleep whilst he had been speaking.  
"My wife died from cancer." His voice was soft. Rick rolled over onto his back, resting an arm behind his head. Negan's eyes had a faraway glazed over look.  
"She had been complaining for a couple of days that something wasn't right, her back always hurt, she was always tired and her pee was dark. I told her if that was the case then she needed to go to the doctors, and straight away. I thought she was probably being melodramatic, but it was better to be on the safe side anyway. They said something along the lines of she just had a bladder infection, gave her some antibiotics, then sent her on her way. But they didn't work, she still felt shitty, so they did some blood tests." Negan paused, licking his dry lips before he continued, his eyes still fixed in a far away gaze.  
"I was in the grocery store picking up something for dinner when the doctors phoned. I remember I was in the checkout, and I was pissed that the store was so fucking loud whilst the doctor was speaking so quietly. He told me he was sorry, but it wasn't good news. He started reeling off all these big protein and chemical names, saying that in healthy blood it should be x level, but hers was y level. I ended up sat on a wall outside the store, just listening to him speak. Y'know the fucked up bit? It still hadn't hit me, even then. I remember asking the doctor how much time she had left, and waited for him to say our insurance was gonna take a battering, but with the right treatment and medication I still had a few years left with her. When he told me at best she had six months, or at worst had weeks. I had to hang up. People were walking past, carrying on, whilst the world had just collapsed around me. I got home that night and just held her as I sobbed. I just remember I kept repeating I couldn't lose her…" Negan swallowed, his eyes glistening. He closed them as he continued to speak, his voice hoarse.  
"All your life, everyone teaches you that love conquers all. They teach you that if you truly love someone enough, that it can fix everything. I loved her more than life itself and it wasn't e-fucking-nough. I had to watch her get weaker and know there was nothing I could do about it. We tried everything, Rick, any and everything, I damn near bankrupted ourselves with fancy new medication. I loved her so much but in the end I learnt the hard way love wasn't enough."  
Silence filled the air. Rick turned over and faced Negan. He looked so damn vulnerable. There were so many things he wanted to say right now, but he couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence in his head. Instead he settled with the simple.  
"I am so sorry." He wrapped his arms around him, Negan nestled into the embrace, his own arms still wrapped around Rick. He opened his eyes, his dark brown eyes meeting Rick's blue.  
"Thank you." Rick gazed into his eyes, a million voices were going through his head, trying to tell him how to feel. He ignored them all. Rick leant forward and placed a kiss onto Negan's lips. It wasn't a long kiss, but Rick couldn't hide his passion. He pulled away, and Negan bit his lower lip as he gazed at Rick, a smile on his lips.  
"Goodnight, darlin'." Was all he said in the end. Rick didn't mind, as he nestled into the crook of Negan's neck, listening to his soft breathing as he slipped into a deep sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna level with you guys...
> 
> The last bit of this chapter was incredibly hard to write, and I am so very sorry if it came across as out of character for Negan. 
> 
> I know it took a little while to get some Rick/Negan action and it ended up only being a kiss, I promise we'll explore their blooming physical relationship in the chapters to come!
> 
> As always, thank you for being so patient for updates on this story, and thank you to all of your lovely comments <3


	9. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that it has taken so long for an update, hopefully this chapter is not a disappointment!

Rick's eyes fluttered open, the first traces of sunlight ebbing into the room, casting everything into a half shadow. He looked up, slightly surprised to see Negan's hooded eyes watching him. He shot Rick a crooked smile.  
"It's a bit early, darlin'. You should get some more sleep." He drawled, his voice still deep from sleep. Rick yawned, covering his mouth with the back of his hand.  
"Then why are you awake?" Negan let out a small chuckle, like it was an inside joke. He bit his lower lip, his eyes dark and intense, even when he was still half asleep.  
"You snore like a damn chainsaw, couldn't stay asleep." Rick laughed, giving him a light punch into his ribs.  
"You're such an asshole."  
"That your pet name for me or something, Rick? You call me it an awful lot." Negan smirked. Rick just rolled his eyes, but he couldn't hide the smile on his face.  
A knock on the door. Negan laid there for a moment, before slowly untangling himself from Rick. He picked up Lucille and sauntered over to the door, Rick thought in vague amusement how Negan would elect to pick up Lucille, rather than put some clothes on over his half naked body. He slung Lucille over his shoulder and opened the door, greeting the person on the other side of the door with a scowl.  
"This better be fucking important for this time in the fucking morning." The person behind the door replied in a hushed manner. Rick watched as Negan let out an annoyed sigh, gesturing for the other person to move so he could step outside, pulling the door closed behind him. Rick strained his ears, trying to hear what was being said. He was about to leave the bed and listen by the door when Negan came back in, placing Lucille down in the corner. Negan rummaged through the drawers, pulling out some clothes.  
"Where are you going?" Negan didn't look up as he pulled out a shirt and pair of jeans.  
"Just gotta go on a run, I'll be back later tonight." Rick scrunched up his face.  
"At this time?" Negan pulled his jeans on, shooting Rick a smile.  
"No rest for the wicked." He pulled his shirt on and shrugged on his jacket. "I want you to go with a guy called Gavin today, he's going on a run today and I-"  
"Where are you going, Negan?" Rick interrupted, he could spot evasion from a mile off and all it did was irritate him. Negan stopped in the middle of the room, fixing Rick with an even stare.  
"That, Rick, is none of your concern. Go with Gavin today, I'll be back later this evening." Rick bit back an argument, the way Negan was looking at him said clearly that this wasn't up for discussion. Rick nodded sullenly, and continued to watch Negan get ready.  
Once he was fully dressed, Negan kissed his knuckles and ran them over Rick's cheek.  
"I'll see you later, darlin'." Without another word, he picked up Lucille, and left the room. Rick threw his head back into the pillow, his cheek tingling where Negan had touched it. As much as his mind was swimming with thoughts about what Negan was up to, he still fell back to sleep regardless.

Once Rick was up later that morning, he began the search for Gavin. Negan had neglected to tell Rick where to find him, or even what he looked like. Rick decided to go find Joseph, since snapping at Sherry the previous day the list of people in his place he felt like he could speak to had just dwindled down. As always, he found him in his little lab, tinkering away.  
"Hey, Joseph." Joseph looked up from his workbench, a smile spreading across his face.  
"Hey, Rick!" He looked back down to whatever it was he was working on. "You okay? I haven't seen you in a while."  
"I'm good, thank you. What's that you're working on?" Rick asked, peering over Joseph's shoulder.  
"Oh this? Nothing really, I'm just trying to rejig these speakers to have a bigger field range with their controller, I think if I can get it to work then they'd be pretty good at rerouting the biters."  
"How's it going?"  
"Not well, at the moment they'd be more useful as a projectile than as speakers." Rick chuckled, he really had become fond of Joseph and his slightly quirky nature during his time at the Sanctuary.  
"If you're not too busy, Joseph, I could use your help?" Joseph set his tools down.  
"Sure! What's up?"  
"I've been told to go see Gavin, can you help me find him?" Josephs face fell.  
"You're looking for Gavin?" He took a moment to wipe his hands on his jeans, before getting up and going to the door. "Sure thing, follow me." Rick hadn't missed his moment of hesitation. Following him out of his lab, he asked from behind him.  
"Do you not like Gavin or something?"  
"What? Oh no, no, no it's not like that." He peered up and down the corridor, before continuing in a hushed voice, "He just scares me, if I'm honest most of them do."  
"Who's 'them'?"  
"The runners, Negan's men." Rick nodded, speaking softly as they moved along.  
"I don't blame you, Joseph. Some of them scare me too."

Joseph weaved through the outside compound, and led Rick to a long faced, solemn looking man. He regarded both Rick and Joseph, before addressing them.  
"How can I help you two gentlemen?" Joseph kept his head lowered, as per his usual defence mechanism. Rick jutted his chin to the trucks sat behind Gavin.  
"Negan told me to find you, said I was to come with you on your run today." Gavin gave a small nod.  
"I'm assuming you're Rick, then? You're just in time, I thought I was going to have to leave without you," He turned to Joseph, still stood there with his eyes glued to the ground. "You can go now, Fat Joey." Gavin spoke in monotone the entire time, it was almost like there was no emotion to this man. Joseph turned heel and scurried away quick, Gavin watching him as he went, before turning back to Rick.  
"You can ride shotgun with me. C'mon now, I prefer to be punctual."

Rick gazed out of the window as the drove along, the entire truck silent. He had been told that they were going for a collection from a place called the Kingdom, they would then go for a quick run into an abandoned warehouse and see if there was anything they could take. The woods soon began to recede, and Rick found himself confused as they pulled into a carpark. He gave Gavin a quizzical look.  
" _This_ is the Kingdom?" Gavin shook his head.  
"No. Their leader doesn't want his people knowing they work for us, so the pick ups are done here." Rick frowned, he knew the Saviors loved to use their scare tactics to get what they wanted, it seemed odd that they would allow the Kingdom to operate in relative ignorance to their existence.  
"Doesn't that bother you, though? I thought you preferred it when people know they work for Negan." Gavin lifted his shoulder in a half shrug.  
"As long as they are punctual, and have the right amount when we come, I couldn't give a damn where they wanna do their pick ups." A van began to pull into the carpark. Gavin held a gun out to Rick.  
"Just in case things go bad." As Rick's hand wrapped around it, Gavin gave a small tug, "Any funny business, I will go to Alexandria myself and pull your son's other eye out." Rick's head spun around as he shot Gavin a glare, Gavin didn't even register it, he just let go of the gun and got out of the truck, the rest of the Saviors following suit. Rick hesitated for a second, before getting out and trailing behind them, tucking the gun into the back of his jeans. Out of the other van came the people Rick assumed from the Kingdom. Most of them were dressed in crude padded clothing, their faces fixed into frowns, hands on their guns. In front of them all was a dark skinned man, that Rick could only presume as their leader. He was an impressive sight, towering above the rest of them, he appeared to think his size alone was enough protection as he was the only one not wearing any protective clothing. Instead, he wore a dusty blue blazer, thick grey dreadlocks tumbled over his shoulders, in one hand a staff, his other resting on the gun at his hip.  
"Nice and punctual today, Ezekiel." Gavin said, walking over to their van. Ezekiel made a grand gesture to the van, falling into step with Gavin.  
"Indeed, I'm sure you will find this weeks tribute to your satisfaction." Rick watched the exchange from behind the rest of the Saviors, he wasn't really sure why he had been brought along for such a dull affair, if anything he just found himself becoming progressively more irritated by the way Ezekiel spoke. Gavin gave a small nod.  
"Yup, everything is in order. You can get your men to load it in." Rick it appeared wasn’t the only one bored by the affair, even the Saviors he was around had a far away gaze as they watched the people from the Kingdom load up their trucks. Ezekiel helped with the rest of his men to load up the trucks, for the most part he kept his eyes fixed straight ahead, although Rick swore he saw Ezekiel stare at him for a moment as he walked past. Gavin watched over it with the same solemn expression that his face seemed to be stuck with, turning to Ezekiel once the trucks were loaded.  
"Next week is medication, same amount, same place, same time." If Ezekiel had anything he wanted to say, it would clearly have to wait until next week, as the Saviors were already climbing back into their trucks. 

The truck once again lapsed into silence, Gavin's eyes fixed on the road, and the Saviors in the truck bed making quiet chatter that Rick couldn't quite hear. He decided to attempt some sort of conversation with Gavin, turning to him and shooting him an offhanded question.  
"So, how long as you been doing the runs to the Kingdom?"  
"Pretty much from the moment we started collecting from them."  
"They seem to be pretty compliant." Gavin nodded, eyes still fixed on the road in front of them.  
"Ezekiel is full of his own shit, but he was smart enough to know it's better to not fight back. We both got a pretty good deal when we started working with each other." Rick gave him a questioning look, Gavin glanced over and shrugged.  
"I used to do runs to other groups, couldn't stand them. Even when we had killed a couple of their people, you'd still get people thinking they were heroes for the stupidest shit, or thinking we wouldn't find their hiding places. Do you know how stressful it is, having to deal with all that screaming and crying after you tell them what'll happen if they continue dicking about? Hated those runs. But when I do these runs, I get to just turn up, pick up, and leave. No problems, no stress. And for Ezekiel it means he doesn't have to deal with one of the meat head shits that run around thinking they're hot shit. I give him just enough respect that he realises this is all just business, nothing more, nothing less." Rick hadn't taken Gavin for being someone that cherished peace and quiet so much, considering the level he had to be among Negan's men to be trusted to go to other runs.  
"Surely bringing me along was a bad idea, then? If you don't like stress, how do you know I won't just run away?" Gavin just shrugged, his face no revealing any emotion.  
"Cause I've already warned you the consequences of you doing anything stupid. And you don't look like a stupid man, Rick." Rick cocked an eyebrow, tilting his head as he turned to Gavin.  
"Oh yeah? What do I look like, then?" Gavin turned to Rick, looking at him for a long moment before turning his eyes back to the road, leaving Rick's question unanswered.

The trucks pulled up outside the warehouse, Rick couldn't help but think they were being ever so slightly optimistic about what could be inside - the building had half of its roof caved in, he could only imagine anything inside wasn't in great shape.  
Everyone gathered behind Gavin, mimicking his gentle steps as they went towards the warehouse. Gavin held a finger to his lips, then rapped his knuckles against the steel door. A couple of moans could be heard inside, but none of them close to the door.  
"There's biters inside, everyone be on your guard, stay in at least pairs." He threw the door open and everyone filed inside, Rick hated to admit that he was impressed at the way they worked, already splitting up into teams and silently going down the aisles of the warehouse, they had clearly all worked with each other for a long time. Gavin lightly touched Rick's arm, motioning for him to walk with him. Rick followed a few paces behind, gun in hand. His heart was pounding as they made their way up the central aisle in the warehouse, but Rick loved it. This was the first time in weeks he had truly felt _alive_.  
They walked in silence, their footing silent as they skulked along. Rick could hear a couple of moans, but annoyingly couldn't pinpoint their location. His stint at the Sanctuary had dulled his skills, and he knew someone who wasn't constantly ready was often the first to go.  
Gavin and Rick reached a cross roads, where the first lot of aisles ended, and the next row of aisles began a few feet in front. Rick had heard at least two walkers be put down whilst they had been skulking along. He hadn't heard any gun shots, and could only assume the Saviors had been smart enough to not waste the bullets on walkers, nor risk the noise from a shootout. They both stood there for a moment, catching the breaths they hadn't realised they had been holding as they walked along. Gavin glanced over at Rick, mouth open, before raising his gun level between Rick's eyes.  
"Down." He barked, Rick hit the deck without hesitation. Gavin nailed a walker through the forehead, no more than two feet behind where Rick had been stood. The shot echoed through the warehouse for a second or two, before silence engulfed them again. Rick stared at the walker, then back at Gavin, dumbfounded. Gavin walked over wordlessly and offered Rick his hand.  
"Thank you." Rick murmured through a dry mouth, taking his hand. Gavin pulled him up, raising a shoulder in a half shrug. He threw his head in the direction of the aisle in front of them, motioning for Rick to follow him as they continued to make sure the place was clear. The nerves in Rick's body were on fire, adrenaline coursing through his veins. He knew if he was the same person from weeks ago he would've heard that walker, he silent chastised himself for becoming so complacent - a mistake he wouldn't make again.

Gavin and Rick were almost at the end of the aisle when a gun shot rang out, along with a yell and crash of metal. Rick was the first to spin on his heel and go running towards the noise, Gavin closely behind him. A few aisles away from their own they found a Savior trapped, a couple of walkers had reached through the shelves from the right of him and grabbed his clothing, whilst another particularly hefty walker had push the racking down to the left of him and collapsed it against the other shelves, essentially pinning him as it too reached through the shelves for him. Gavin raised his gun, but Rick was already running over, jumping onto the collapsed racking. The walker turned and looked up at him with its bloated face, snarling, Rick gritted his teeth as he rammed his fingers into its eye sockets, black gunk running over his hand as he got a good grip of it and began to tear it off of the racking. He smacked its desperate grabs with his other hand and ignored its hungry growls as he pulled it away, throwing it to the ground. He slammed its head to the ground repeatedly, not stopping until the growling stopped. He looked up to see Gavin yanking out the trapped Savior, throwing him to the ground as he put a bullet in each of the two walkers respectively. Gavin looked down at the Savior on the ground and glared at him.  
"What, the **fuck** , did I say when we came in here?" Rick watched as the guy on the floor babbled, he couldn't be more than his mid twenties.  
"I thought I heard a noise, I was just checking it out bef-"  
"I don't give a dusty fuck what you thought you heard!" Gavin snapped. "You don't split up, you stay in a group in case shit like _that_ happens." Gavin gestured to the racking behind him. "You pull shit like that again, I'll let them eat you." The guy just sat there on his ass, looking up dumbly at Gavin. Gavin sighed, giving an exasperated hand wave, dismissing the Savior.  
"Fucking dumb kids…" He muttered to himself, running a hand through his hair as he assessed the clusterfuck that just went down. Gavin turned to Rick, giving him a small nod. "You did pretty well, though. I wouldn't have risked myself like that and I know the guy." Rick gave him a small look, before replying.  
"I guess that's just the sort of man I am."

As Rick had suspected, the warehouse was a waste of time. A few boxes of tinned food and some clothing had been salvaged, but for the most part it looked like whatever the warehouse had held before had either already been taken, or was too damaged to be of any use to anyone. Rick had desperately looked for some sort of plant seeds, in particular something hardy for the upcoming fall and winter seasons, but came up short. The drive back to the Sanctuary was long, even with Gavin's attempts at conversation. The evening at the Sanctuary dragged on for longer - Rick helped pack away the Kingdom's tribute and the stuff from the warehouse, but it didn't take long and Ricks help was hardly needed. When Rick went to walk away, he heard Gavin clear his throat behind him. He turned to see Gavin holding his hand out.  
"I appreciate you handling your shit back in the warehouse today, but I ain't gonna trust you running around with a gun." It was begrudgingly Rick handed it back.  
Rick stared out of the window, he knew Negan was a big reader but he just didn't have the patience for it, his idea of unwinding had always been a cold beer and watching the football highlights in the evenings.  
It was still nagging on Rick where exactly Negan had been today. The fact he evaded Rick's question and outright dismissed them concerned him, he could feel it in the pit of his stomach the dread that it was something to do with Alexandria. Rick got up and ran his eyes over the book shelves, looking for something to take his mind off of things. But none of the titles jumped out at him, each book looking as dull as the one next to it. He sat back down at the table with a huff, again staring out of the window as he scratched at the table grain. Was someone hurt maybe? Negan had said someone had got too big for their boots, did that mean Spencer had tried to make demands? Rick hoped not, Spencer was many things, a strong leader wasn't one of them. Maybe Michonne or even Daryl had gone against Spencer, and were now paying for it. No matter what, he just silently prayed Carl had stayed out of whatever was going on. The other half of Rick however worried for Negan, and whatever trouble had been caused that was taking days to sort out. The longer the evening stretched on, the more Rick worried that something bad had happened to him, and Rick didn't even know where he was and was powerless to help.

The room was dark by the time Negan arrived. Rick was still sat at the table, scratching at the grain, but he turned his head away from the window to watch Negan. He looked tired, yet still greeted Rick cheerfully.  
"Evening, why are you sitting in the dark?" He placed Lucille down in her corner, turning the light on as he passed the switch. Rick squinted at the sudden bright light.  
"I didn't realise how dark it had got."  
"Been too busy scratching a damn hole in that table by the looks of it." Negan replied, nodding his head down to Rick's hand. He sat down opposite Rick, throwing his arm over the back of the chair as he leant against it. "Happened to pass Gavin as I was walking over, told me how you got on today. I have to say Rick, I was pretty proud to hear what a bad ass you were out there." He smiled that infamous grin, and Rick's frustration at his evasion this morning melted away. He threw up a hand nonchalantly.  
"I just did what had to be done." He said quietly. Negan chuckled, shaking his head as he spoke.  
"Stop being so fucking modest, Rick. You bashed a biter's brains out with your bare hands. Fuckin' _own_ that shit, takes some gigantic brass balls to do something like that." His eyes flicked over Rick, before meeting his. His eyebrows shot up suggestively, tongue held between his teeth and the traces of a smile on his lips. Rick could feel his face go red under Negan's gaze, it made him flustered and Negan knew it and loved it. He averted his eyes, focusing at some point just over Negan's shoulder as he spoke.  
"Stop looking at me like that." Negan just grinned wider, his eyes hooded as he gazed at Rick.  
"Like what, darlin'?" He drawled, his voice smooth like poisoned honey, rhythmically drumming his fingers against the table. Rick tried to look everywhere but at Negan, but found his eyes drawn to him and his intense dark eyes. Negan inclined his head as he bit his lower lip, inviting Rick to answer his question.  
"Stop. You look like a damn hungry wolf staring like that." Negan's eyebrows shot up again, tongue in cheek as he smirked.  
"I'll stop when you stop smiling and blushing."  
Rick ran a hand over his face, it was practically burning. Negan watched, his smirk growing as he watched Rick get progressively more and more flustered. Rick threw himself from the chair, grabbing a change of clothes as he made his way to the bathroom, muttering he was going for a shower.

Locked away in the bathroom, Rick quickly turned on the shower for background noise before gasping for breath. He had once hated Negan's eyes on him, and had tried his best to always hide from his gaze. He found himself hiding now, but no longer because he hated the stares, more because he liked the staring perhaps too much. He looked down to see the way his jeans tented at his groin and let out a soft groan, he tried his best to think of mental math sums as he pulled his clothes off, but even the small movements of material against his skin was enough to further his arousal. He turned the shower as cool as he could possibly stand it and jumped in, trying to will away any arousal he was feeling, but every time he thought he was okay he remembered the way Negan's eyes ran along him, taking in every inch of him, and he would find himself hard again. Rick let out another frustrated groan, he felt like his own body was betraying him. It didn't matter however how many mental math sums he thought of, or how cool he turned the water, or how he thought about how he was completely unattached to men, he found his hand slowly running down his stomach and grasping at his shaft.  
He bit back a low moan as his hand ran over his entire length, his hips bucking in rhythm to his strokes. His breathing became staggered as his arousal grew, his hips continuing to buck to quickening strokes of his hand. It started off as just the primal need for release, but images of Negan soon began to swim in his mind. He tried to force them out, but in his mind he could see his dark eyes, the way he'd lean as he spoke to Rick, his wolfish grin, his dark chest hair, the curve of his muscles… Rick could feel the beginnings of an orgasm building up, drips of semen leaked from the head of his cock, and a small moan escaped his lips. He was so close…  
A fist pounded at the door.  
"You drowning in there, Rick?" Negan. He thought of the way Negan ran his eyes over Rick earlier, dark and intense and so damn _wanting_. A cry threatened to escape Rick's throat as his orgasm peaked, spilling himself on the tiles in front of him. Rick gasped, leaning against the tiled wall to support himself and his shaky legs.  
"I'm fine, I'll be out in a second." He replied in a shaky voice.  
He turned the shower off and quickly towelled himself off, his hands fumbling as he tried to dress himself, his mind still quite foggy from the afterglow of his orgasm. Rick unlocked the door and jumped out of his skin as he saw Negan leant against the door frame waiting for him. Negan regarded Rick for a moment with hooded eyes.  
"You were in there a while." Rick stared at him for a moment, had he been waiting outside the door this entire time?  
"Have you never heard of privacy?" Rick snapped. Negan didn't even register the bite to Rick's tone, he never did.  
"Looking awfully flustered there, Rick. You had some fun in there?" Rick flushed red and opened his mouth to protest, but Negan poked his head around the corner into the bathroom and took a sniff, turning and grinning to Rick.  
"Yep! Definitely smells like sex in there." Negan laughed as he watched Rick turn a brighter shade of red. "Rick for God sake we're both adult men, you don't need to be ashamed for fucking jacking off." Rick continued to look away from Negan, it wasn't that Rick was ashamed of it, he was ashamed for fantasising about Negan the entire time. Negan stepped away from the door frame and leant into Rick, his hips practically pressed into Rick.  
"Rick, look at me." His voice was a husky rumble. He placed a hand under Rick's chin, gently pushing his face up to meet his eyes. Rick gazed into his eyes and couldn't quite read the expression. His eyes were still intense, but for once he didn't quite look so predatory. They stood there for a moment, just looking at each other.  
"You ever feel _that_ sort of need again…" He gave a small tug at Rick's waist, closing the gap. Rick could feel the heat coming from Negan's groin, he shot Rick a smile that made him want to melt. "Then you just let me know, I will be more than happy to assist." He let go of Rick's waist and walked past Rick into the bathroom. Rick stood for a moment in silence, trying to find some words.  
"Maybe I won't ever feel that need again, not around you at least." Negan turned on his heel and leant against the door, a cheeky smile on his lips.  
"Oh Rick, do you really think that I believe that?" He continued, teasing Rick in a grossly over the top Georgia accent. " _Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow_. But you will, and I will be right here waiting for when you come begging." Rick scoffed, rolling his eyes at Negan.  
"I will never come begging for you, asshole." Negan just winked at him and made a kissy face.  
"I love it when you talk dirty to me. C'mon now darlin' and let me close the door, I've been dying for a piss since the moment you hopped in the shower."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Sappy personal shit ahead, don't feel an obligation to read!!**
> 
>  
> 
> So like I said at the top, I am so sorry it has taken so long to post another chapter. I feel like I owe an explanation as to why I have been MIA, especially to the people who religiously follow this story and post some of the most wonderful comments.
> 
> I've been having some personal shit going on in my life that sort of just all hit at once. In particular I started a new job, which was amazing and exciting and I was so happy to be leaving my old job... But at the same time I had to endure working my notice, and that meant enduring my managers being shit lords. This did not do wonders for my self esteem or my mental health, especially when cutting jokes are made at the expense of my sexuality and my outward appearance (I am not the biggest, most masculine guy to walk the earth) and I kinda just shut down and internalised a lot of negative homophobic bullshit. Trying to continue to write this just made it worse, and I had to step away from it for a bit.
> 
> I promise I am trying to work through this, 'cause I have no intention of letting a couple of little bitter shits rag on me for something I can't change, but all I can ask is please have some patience with me whilst I try to get back into the swing of things.  
> As always, thank you all for the wonderful comments, I wish I could find words that expressed how grateful I am that so many of you have got this far, and take the time to write some of the most awesome things... I used to enjoy writing, but I absolutely love writing now 'cause of you guys <3


	10. Baby Mine

_Rick watched as Carl toddled around, in his chubby fists he held an ice cream cone that practically dwarfed him. Waves gently lapped at the shore, and the sun beat down, melting the ice cream. Rick took a small swig of the beer in his hand, Lori was resting between his legs, her head rested on his chest as she chatted to Sara. Shane laid next to him basking in the sun, sitting up every so often to take a swig of his beer before laying back down._

_"You're gonna burn, y'know that babe?" Sara chastised, running a hand over Shane's exposed torso. He looked up at Sara and shot her a sly grin._

_"Well I'm sure Rick and Lori bought some sun screen, you could always help me put some on." Rick rolled his eyes before averting them away from Sara rubbing the sun screen on Shane, after so long being friends with Shane he mused how it shouldn't even shock him how handsy he liked to be in public.  
Carl continued to toddle about, a big smile on his face as he did his best to defeat the ice cream cone that was fast melting down his hands and dripping onto the sand under his feet. He looked down at Lori, her gaze too fixed on Carl in a way Rick could only describe as utter adoration. If he had any doubts before about how much he loved Lori, watching the way she looked at Carl cast them away. _

_"This really has been a great trip, hasn't it?" Lori said, peering up at Rick. He smiled down at her and gave her a little squeeze._

_"We'll find some way to thank your parents properly for letting us stay with them." Lori smiled at Rick, planting a small kiss on her palm before rubbing Rick's cheek. Overhead sea gulls could faintly be heard screeching at each other. Lori turned her attention back to Carl, giving a contented sigh._

_"C'mon now Rick, time to get up darlin'."_

_Darlin'? Lori had never called him that before._

_"Lori?"_

_"Rick, c'mon now, quit your mumbling and wake up."_

_Rick felt a jolt, he spun his head around at Sara and Shane, but they were still too into each other to have touched him. He looked down at Lori, who was still watching Carl._  
"Lori what are you talking about?"  
Another jolt. He couldn't hear the waves crashing anymore, or Carl's giggling, just the damn birds screeching. 

 

Another jolt and Rick sat bolt upright. Negan took a step back, hands held up.

"Whoa now there, Rick! You alright there?" Rick stared at no point in particular, breathing hard. It was just a dream. A dream of a memory. He looked up at Negan, he was dressed but his hair was a mess. Somehow Rick had slept through him getting up and going for a shower. 

"I was dreaming."

"I gathered, you were having quite the conversation with your pillow." Negan chuckled, sitting down on the edge of the bed. He cocked his head as he looked at Rick. "Anything interesting? I do love a crazy dream story." Rick brought his knees up to his chest, resting his arms on them. 

"Not really, it was just a memory." Negan shrugged, laying down on the bed at Rick's feet, his hands behind his head.

"Gotta be interesting if you dreamed about it." Rick cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Don't you have somewhere to be? Instead of sat here quizzing me on a dream?" Negan raised a shoulder in a half shrug.

"Probably. But you got me all curious." Rick shook his head, chuckling softly. He stayed silent for a few moments, trying to decide where to start with the memory.

"When Carl was a toddler, we took him to Florida to see Lori's parents, Shane came along with his latest girlfriend. In my dream we were at the beach." Rick looked at the wedding band on his finger, as he was always prone to whenever he spoke about Lori. "It was a great day, the sun was out, the beach was quiet, and Lori's parents weren't hovering over our shoulders." Rick chuckled away to himself as he fiddled with the wedding band. "Carl ended up being traumatised after the ice cream incident, however." Negan gave a questioning look.

"C'mon Rick you can't fucking say something like that then just stop, don't be such a tease." Rick smiled, looking up from his wedding ring at Negan.

"Carl was probably about 18 months, that trip was the first time he had ever been to the beach. Shane brought a crate of beers for us, and then this huge ice cream cone for Carl, I was surprised he could even carry the damn thing. Anyway, we were sat there on this pretty much deserted beach, and this cone is melting everywhere, and it's drawing in birds. Carl watches them get the bits that have dripped on the floor, so he starts flinging bits of ice cream at the birds…" Rick took a moment to laugh, he remembered sitting there and chastising Carl, telling him that was a bad idea. Lori had tried to as well, but she had always been a soft touch with Carl when he was that age. 

"So I don't know if he pissed these birds off, or if they realised he had all the ice cream, but they start squawking and flying around him, and now he's screaming and running around in circles. These birds aren't touching him, just getting all the bits of ice cream he's dropping. And Lori is now panicking, telling me to help him, but I'm trying to compose myself 'cause it looked like some damn scene out of The Birds. With all the commotion Shane has finally looked up at what's going on, and he is just holding his side as he laughs, and I'm done, I'm crying with laughter too. Lori is yelling at us that this is _not_ funny, and Shane's girlfriend is giving us this huge stink eye like we're some monsters for laughing." Rick held his side as he laughed harder, speaking in between giggling fits.   
"So Shane decides he's gonna help Carl. Shane stands up, and he _booms_ over the beach _'Flaaaaap your arms, Carl! Show them you're the bigger bird!'_. And now the people on the beach are staring at us, his girlfriend is giving him the most disgusted look, and Lori can't decide who to glare at anymore as Shane stands there, hands on hips as he shouts at Carl to pretend to be a bird. And I am just… sobbing. I can't stop laughing at Carl, who is actually trying to flap his arms and protect his ice cream…"   
Rick wiped the tears from his eyes, bursting into laughter again every time he remembered the scene. In his mind he could see Shane coaching Carl through the entire thing, flapping his arms in synchronization with the toddler, not a care in the world to the stink eye he was getting from passers by. Shane had never cared what others had thought of him.

Rick took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. He looked down at Negan, still laying at Rick's feet. He had a queer look to his face. He was smiling at the story, but there was something else to the look. Rick suddenly felt self conscious, running a hand over his flushed face.

"I guess it was a 'you had to be there' moment…" Rick mumbled as he started to get off the bed. Negan didn't move, he just watched as Rick made his way to the bathroom. That same odd look on his face.

 

By the time Rick came out of the shower, Negan had fixed his hair and was serving up breakfast. Rick sat opposite Negan, and was chewing on some toast as he looked out of the window when Negan broke the silence.

"I want you to see Gavin again today," Rick turned his attention from the window and looked at Negan. He hadn't touched the food in front of him. "He'll take you to Alexandria for the day." Rick gawped at Negan for a moment, before remembering the food in his mouth and promptly closed it. Negan gazed back at Rick with that same damn unreadable expression he seemed to always wear.

"You don't need to look so surprised, Rick. I'm willing to let you go to Alexandria every other week or so, possibly more often if I have the men for it. The rules remain the same as before, and if I think you're proving to be a 'distraction' to them, then I will cut the visits off." Rick mulled it over in his mind, before nodding.

"Seems fair. But why? Only a few days ago you didn't seem too keen on the idea." Negan rolled his eyes, and gave a small, exasperated sigh, but he still wore the shadows of a smile on his face.

"I never can win with you, y'know that? You ask me for something, I give it to you, and then you want to figure out the motive. Maybe just accept I like doing things that'll make you happy, Rick." With that, Negan got up from the table and grabbed Lucille. "I gotta get going," He kissed his knuckles and brushed them against Rick's cheek. Rick bit back the question of where he'd been going the past couple of days, he'd learnt his lesson last time. Negan gave him a tired, half smile, "I don't know what time I'll be back, don't wait up for me." And with those words, he was gone.

Rick found Gavin in the same place as before - in the outside compound. When Gavin saw Rick walk through the crowd, he gave him a nod. Rick returned it back. Despite his initial preconceptions of Negan's men, part of him had a respect for Gavin, and how he seemed to be one of the few of Negan's right hand men that still seemed somewhat sane. If he ignored the first threat of pulling Carl's eye out.

"Morning, Rick."

"Morning, Gavin."

The pair climbed into the truck and set off in the direction for Alexandria. Like the previous day, the drove in silence, (Rick had tried to search for some sort of tape or CD to put on, the search was in vain) until Gavin broke the silence.

"You excited to see your son?" Gavin gave Rick a quick sideway glance from the road, before cutting Rick off before he could speak. "Never mind, that was a stupid question."

Silence engulfed them again. Rick quietly, tentatively, broke it.

"Did you ever have kids?" Gavin glanced at him again, and remained silent. Eventually, his voice broke their silence.

"No, but I was an uncle. Had two nephews."

"What happened to them?" Gavin gave a small shrug.  
"Last time I heard, they were going to the coast, hoping a boat would take them far away from all of this, let them start again. That was at the beginning of all this." Rick looked over at Gavin, whose eyes were still firmly fixed on the road ahead, his face it's usual deadpan.

"Maybe they found somewhere, hopefully." Rick said carefully. For the first time, he heard Gavin laugh. It was a short, harsh bark of a laugh. It lacked humour.

"We both know they're both probably dead. I just hope it's 'cause their father did the first useful thing he would've ever done in his life and put a bullet in all of their heads as they slept, and not eaten alive by some dead prick." Silence engulfed the pair again. Rick shifted in the seat slightly, feeling awkward at Gavin's lack of emotion at the idea of his nephews deaths. Perhaps they had never been particularly close. Or perhaps Gavin's lack of emotion was just his way of surviving in this new world. Rick chose to believe he hadn't always been so cold, it was easier on his mind.

 

Before long, the pair were pulling up to the gates of Alexandria. Gavin had barely stopped the car before the gates were being opened to allow them to enter.

"Wow, your people didn't take long to get with the program, did they?" Gavin hummed, pulling the car into the safe zone and switching the engine off. He turned to Rick.

"I dunno what Dwight did when he brought you here, but I ain't following you around all day. You got a watch on?" Rick nodded, and Gavin continued. "Good, just be back at this car by 5 latest. If you are late by even a minute, and I have to find you, there will be consequences."

"So what will you do then for the day?" Rick asked, ignoring Gavin's threat. Gavin nodded to the houses that laid in front of them. 

"I've not had the chance to see Alexandria yet. I'll go exploring." Without another word he got out of the car, not even looking back at Rick as he headed off at a meandering pace. Rick watched him for a moment, before also getting out of the car and looking at the few that had gathered around the car. Most were watching Gavin, their facial expressions ranging from distrust to fear. 

"Just leave him to explore, he won't bother you if you don't bother him." Rick said, addressing the crowd. It did little to ease the tension. Like the last time, it was Aaron who made his way through the crowd and offered Rick a reassuring smile.

"It's good to see you so soon again, Rick!" He got to close to Rick and murmured in his ear, "Carl is with Judith at the moment, wanna go see them?" Rick nodded, letting Aaron lead the way.

"How's things been since I was last here?" Rick asked, Aaron shrugged.

"Oh you know, same old same old, Carl has been going on fewer runs with Michonne and spending more time with Judy which is nice, although she seems to be coming down with a bit of a cold so she's a little snuffly-" 

"Aaron, how have things been?" Rick interrupted. He tried to keep the bite from his voice but it was difficult - the last thing he wanted was things kept from him to have his feelings spared. Aaron stayed silent for a while, before continuing softly.

"Not so well, Spencer has become more power mad, if you can believe it. Michonne barely spends any time in Alexandria anymore, and, well..." Aaron faltered, his pace slowing down. Rick stopped and faced him. Aaron looked off into some point in the distance, trying to find the best way to phrase the next sentence.

"People have been talking, Rick. About the last time you were here, and what you said to Spencer." Rick let out a small sigh, running his hand over his face as he played the conversation back in his mind. 

"What are they saying?"

"Rick, it doesn't matter, really it's just peo-"

"What are they saying, Aaron?" Aaron hesitated again, fidgeting on the spot under Rick's gaze. Rick felt terrible for putting him on the spot, considering Aaron was one of the few who seemed to understand why Rick had done what he did, and both he and Eric had been looking after Judith in his absence. But Rick needed to know what he was up against when it came to others perceptions, especially if those perceptions had got to Carl.

"They... They think you've got too close to Negan. After everything you said, they're wondering whose side you're on. It's not helping with the whole Spencer thing." Rick tried to supress it, but a small, dry scoff escaped his throat. Aaron's eyes widened slightly, as he opened his mouth to try and make the situation better, but Rick stopped him before he could start.

"Do you think that?" Rick asked, Aaron shook his head fiercely.

"I think you did the best you could do, considering the choices you had. Daryl thinks the same too. And Michonne, I think." 

"Then let them talk." Rick continued forward, Aaron followed, keeping pace with him the entire time.

 

Rick walked into his old house to the sound of Carl humming. He walked into the living room to the sight of Judith on Carl's hip, bouncing her to the rhythm of his humming. Judith's eyes were closed, her mouth agape slightly as she dozed. Rick leant on the door frame, watching silently. He couldn't help but smile as he watched Carl with Judith - he truly was a natural. Rick did his best to ignore the intrusive thought of if Carl would ever get the chance to do this with his own child some day, the last thing he wanted to do was spoil such a moment with his own thoughts.   
Carl turned and spotted Rick, offering him a small smile, mouthing 'just a sec'. He continued to rock her as he carried her past Rick and up the stairs to her room, his humming becoming softer as he ascended. Rick followed behind, watching from the top of the stair case as Carl laid her down in her crib, running an affectionate hand gently over her curls, she barely stirred.

"Isn't that the song your mom used to sing to you?" Rick whispered, Carl nodded as he left Judith's room, pulling the door up so it was only left slightly ajar. Rick chuckled has they went down the stair case. "Can't believe you still remember it, you were real young when she used to sing that to you." Carl shrugged nonchalantly.

"Of course I remember it. How comes you're back so soon?" He glanced at Rick, adding quickly, "I didn't mean that in a bad way, I'm happy to see you, I just didn't think they would let you back so soon." Rick just smiled at Carl.

"I don't know, son. But let's just enjoy it." Aaron was still hanging around at the bottom of the stairs, Rick turned to him. "Do you mind sticking around and keeping an ear out for Judith whilst she naps?" Aaron nodded and shot them both a thumbs up before settling himself on the couch. Rick led Carl out of the house and started down the road at a leisurely pace, Carl keeping pace at his side.

"Where are we going?" Carl asked.

"No where in particular, I just thought it would be nice to spend some time just the two of us. I didn't really see much of you last time I was here. How have you been?" Carl shrugged.

"Fine, I guess. Michonne hasn't wanted me to leave Alexandria as much, so I've mainly just been with Judith and playing video games." Rick smiled at that. He knew when they first came to Alexandria Carl had found it tough to make the transition into being just a teenager again. Rick couldn't say he blamed him. 

"What about friends? I remember you being pretty close with that girl, what was her name again?"

"Enid. We hang out sometimes, yeah." As they walked, Rick could feel the residents of Alexandria watching them. Rick continued to walk with his head up, but he could see Carl's head lower and his shoulders slump as they walked. Rick didn't hold it against Carl, but it hurt nonetheless. They continued to walk down the street, when Rick spotted Mikey's old house.

"They still got a pool table in the garage?" Carl nodded. "C'mon then, let's go play some pool."

 

Rick was mildly surprised that the pool table had actually gathered dust, he could only assume that the community found it too weird to go into the house. Rick remembered when they first came here, how it had been Ron and Mikey that had taken Carl under their wing and helped him get to grips with Alexandria. Mikey's mother had also been very polite, the few times Rick had spoken to her. Unfortunately both of them were caught out when the Wolves attacked Alexandria. Rick had seen a lot of death over the past couple of years, but Mikey's death oddly stuck with him. When they had been clearly the bodies, Rick had watched as Mikey and his mother's were carried out of the house, Mikey's mother had the tell tale signs of putting up a hell of a fight, Mikey had just looked terrified. It was such a shame, Rick had thought to himself, he was a good kid, didn't deserve a death like that.

"So, you ready for your old man to beat you?" Rick asked as he set up the table and breaked. Carl picked up a cue and straight away potted two balls straight away. Carl looked up at Rick and raised an eyebrow.

"You were saying, Dad?"

Rick couldn't help himself but chuckle. The pair continued to play, Rick swearing to Carl he was only going easy on Carl the entire time, it was easier to say that rather than he was completely out of practice. As they played, Rick was delighted to see Carl finally start to relax, looking like he was almost just enjoying the moment, rather than looking on edge. As they played, they passed light hearted banter, Rick couldn't help but smile as Carl started to open up and answer in more than just shrugs and one syllable words. He knew it wasn't because Carl meant to be so cold and blasé to everything - Rick couldn't even begin to imagine how a mind as young as Carl's had managed to cope with such a world, considering there were times when Rick could barely comprehend it. With all of his heart, he wished he could allow Carl and Judith the life they deserved, but Carl's childhood had been snatched from him far too soon and Judith... Well, she would never know a life without fear for survival.

Carl potted the black, ending another game in victory. Rick threw the pool cue down in feigned disgust.

"You gotta be cheating, it's not possible to win that many games." Carl raised an eyebrow, a smile on his face.

"Or maybe you're just not as good as you thought you were." Rick fixed Carl with a look, before breaking out into a smile.

"Next game, I'll win, mark my words. But first let's get a drink, do you know if Mikey's mini fridge is still in here?" Carl nodded, heading over to the back of the garage and moving a few boxes around.

"What do you want? Mikey pretty much had a little of everything." Rick walked over and peered over Carl's shoulder, spotting a couple of beers at the back of the fridge. 

"I'll have one of those beers, please." Carl reached in, and at first grabbed two. Rick took one from his hand, but shook his head. "The only kind of beer you'll have is a root beer, Carl. Put that back now." Carl frowned at Rick.

"C'mon Dad, seriously? It's just one beer."

"You're 14, Carl. This isn't up for discussion." Carl kept the sour look on his face, but swapped the beer for a soda all the same.   
The pair sat down on the curb outside the garage, sipping on their drinks. Rick tried to make conversation with Carl, but the teen had gone back to shrugs and one worded answers.

"You figuring how you gonna cheat and beat your old man in the next game?" Rick asked, giving Carl a playful little push. 

"I wasn't cheating!" Carl snapped back, moving away from Rick slightly. Rick frowned at Carl, the sudden turn in his mood and tone taking him aback.

"What's with the sudden mood swing?" 

"I'm fine." Carl replied curtly. Rick rolled his eyes, running a hand over his face.

"Carl, if this is about the beer, then-"

"It's not about that."

"Then what? Because only ten odd minutes ago we were fine and now you're being all moody with me." Carl stayed silent for a few moments, his features softened for a moment and he opened his mouth like he was going to speak. But he then seemed to reconsider, shaking his head and looking away.

"It's nothing." He mumbled. Rick moved closer to Carl, trying to put an arm around him as he spoke.

"Carl, whatever it is, you can tell me about it. You can always trust me, I'm your father-" Carl shrugged Rick's arm off of him, his face hardening again back into a scowl.

"Only for the next couple of hours, and then you're gone again! And then I don't even know when you're gonna be back, or if you're gonna come back!"

"Carl, that's gonna change, I'm gonna be here every other week from now on, maybe more, Negan said-"

"You're gonna trust _him_? You're supposed to be our leader, but you've disappeared. You're supposed to be my dad, you're supposed to be Judith's dad, but you're not here anymore. Why should I even bother listening to you?" Carl shouted the last line, his voice cracking. Silence blared between the two, Rick staring at Carl, Carl holding his head in his hands.

"I lied." It was barely a whisper, but Carl managed to say it after a while. He took a painful swallow before continuing, "Enid left ages ago, she went to go stay at Hilltop. Michonne barely speaks to me anymore. She doesn't want me coming with her anymore so I stay here. But no one here speaks to me except Aaron and Eric. Daryl tries, when he can, but he's not here often. It's just me and Judith all the time. And I love her, I do, but..." Carl took another painful swallow, tears welling in his eye, looking away into the distance. Slowly, gently, Rick put a hand on Carl's shoulder. Carl took a deep breath, hanging his head as he spoke.

"I lied. I told you I could remember the song mom used to sing to me. But I don't remember it anymore. I can't even remember what it's called. I only remember how it sounded..." A small sniffle escaped him, he wiped at his face furiously, like he could push his emotions back through pure force alone. "And I forget her. It's like every time I try to remember her, she gets more blurry, I forget a little more of her. And... I-" Carl's voice cracked, a singular tear rolling down his cheek. "I think maybe one day I'll forget her."  
Rick pulled Carl into his arms, rubbing a hand over his back. 

"Carl, I am so sorry." He murmured into his ear. "I'm so sorry things panned out this way, all I ever wanted was for you and Judith to be safe..." Rick shook his head, sighing. "But I guess that doesn't always mean you're happy, does it?" Rick pulled Carl in closer and rested his chin on top of his head. "Carl, I need you to listen to me now, more than you ever have done before. I need you to know that what you're feeling right now is normal, and it's okay. You're not going to forget your mother, I promise you." Carl didn't make a noise, but Rick could feel Carl's shoulders heave as he wept silently, burying his head into Rick's chest. Rick pulled him in tighter, continuing to rub his back as he spoke.

"The song she used to sing to you, it was 'Baby Mine'. It was from Dumbo, she loved that film. She always insisted she only put it on for you, but I swear I saw her watch more of it than you ever did." Rick chuckled slightly, despite himself. He pulled away slightly from Carl, placing a hand on his shoulders. "Y'see? You don't forget. You may not remember exactly how she looked, you may not remember the exact words she said, but you always remember the tune, and you always remember the feeling from the memories." Rick made a point of looking Carl in the eye as he spoke. Carl maintained the eye contact for a few seconds, before his face flushed red and he ran a rough hand over it. Although Rick had so much more he wanted to say to Carl, he saved him the humility and stayed silent. Carl took a deep breath, trying to bring back some sort of composure. Rick continued to rub his back all of the same. They sat there for a while in silence, before Carl broke it with barely a whisper.

"I'm sorry."

It was only two words, but they still hurt Rick. He pulled Carl into another fierce hug, and murmured into his ear.

"I want you to know now - you have nothing to be sorry for. Any feeling you're feeling right now, even if you don't understand it yourself, I understand. I understand it, Carl, and you don't need my forgiveness for feeling it. 'Cause you know what? I can't even to begin to imagine how things must be for you."

Another small sniffle escape Carl, before a balled up fist fiercely pushed it away. He pushed himself away from Rick, but Rick didn't take offense. Instead, he put his hand on Carl's shoulder, and gave him a small smile.

"C'mon now, we best go check on your sister."

When they got back to Rick's old house, they found Aaron asleep on the sofa. Carefully, Rick climbed the stairs to Judith's room, years of preparing for the worst firing off his anxiety like fire alarms. He reached Judith's room to find her sleeping.

"How's she been?" Rick asked, noting the slight rattle in her chest. Rick rested his hands on her cot, watching her breathe, as Carl leant against the door frame.

"Yeah Judy's been okay, just has a bit of a rattle when she's coughs. Michonne reckons at worst it's just a mild flu." 

As close as he could, Rick leant into Judith's cot, tilting his head to listen to her breathing. He had to strain and hold his own breath, but a soft rattle could be heard as she took deep breaths. As much as he wanted to pick her up and cradle her, he didn't risk waking the sleeping toddler. He backed away from her cot, silently ushering Carl down the stairs with him.

"Just keep an eye on that, where it's getting colder now's a bad time for her to get ill. I'm sure it's nothing though." Rick checked his watch, he only had about an hour or so before he'd have to leave. He lead Carl outside and sat down on the porch steps, looking out at Alexandria. Carl sat down beside him.

"You're gonna have to go soon, aren't you?" Rick nodded his head.

"I gotta be back at the car by 5 at the very latest." Carl had a look at his own watch, letting out a small sigh when he saw the time. Silence engulfed them, both wanting to make the most of the last few minutes, but neither knowing how to. Rick turned to Carl, studying his features. He found it odd how Carl could in his youth look so aged. For perhaps the millionth time that day, Rick wished he could've saved Carl from all of this. In his mind, he could see it now, how Carl would've been in the world before all of this horror. He could see teenage Carl, no bandages, no scars, coming in from school, dumping his bag at the door and raiding the cupboards for food, even after being scolded a thousand times before to be patient for dinner. Rick could see himself sat on the sofa, waiting for Carl to come home, wondering if he would once again conveniently 'forget' his curfew. He could see himself scolding him for it, and not letting Carl see his smirk as he sent him to his room, as Rick remembered doing the exact same as a teen. Rick could hear the sound of Carl playing video games on a Friday night, trying to be quiet as he tried to beat the level he had been stuck on for weeks. He could definitively hear the loud cry of victory he would have when he beat that level. Rick imagined the evenings where he would've dashed away from work a few minutes early, so he could watch Carl play sports at school. He could see the neat haircut Lori would've insisted Carl would have, instead of the out of control mane he had right now.

Rick looked at his watch. He had 15 minutes left. He took a deep breath, giving Carl's shoulder a small squeeze.

"It's time for me to go."

 

Carl walked with Rick back to the car, Gavin was already sat inside, waiting. Carl stopped short of the car, reaching out and pulling Rick into a hug. 

"I'll see you in a couple of weeks, look after your sister, and please stay safe." Carl nodded into Rick's shoulder, giving him a tight squeeze before letting go. It was with a heavy heart Rick walked away and got in the car.   
As they drove out of Alexandria and made their way back to the Sanctuary, Rick was for the first time grateful for Gavin's silence.

 

Rick got back to his room, a tray left on the table with dinner clearly for one. He wasn't particularly bothered at this, he quickly had his dinner before leaving his room again, deciding he was going to go the last of the sun before it set. He went wandering down the concrete halls of the Sanctuary, but wasn't surprised to find himself sat on the same platform he seemed to spend most of his days at the Sanctuary. The sun had dipped low in the sky, casting the land in a red gaze for miles. If Rick ignored the groans from the walkers kept at the gate, it was almost picturesque. He thought again about Carl, and wondered if he was watching the sun set too. Rick hoped so, he didn't often take the time to appreciate the few small beauties still left in the world.   
Rick half expected to see Sherry at some point whilst he was sat there, but was grateful to never hear the door open behind him. He was still irritated at her assumptions, whether they were well meaning or not, and he just wasn't in the mood to be having long conversations. 

Rick stayed sat on the platform, watching as the sky turned from orange, to red, to purple, to eventual darkness. It was a cloudy night, with no starlight able to pierce through, nor was the sliver of crescent moon able to light up the night sky. He shivered in the darkness, the days were still uncomfortably warm, the evenings however were becoming much more cooler, and he hadn't thought to bring any sort of jacket out with him.

Just as Rick was getting ready to call it a night and head back, he saw lights in the distance, coming towards the Sanctuary. He stood up and leant over the railings, watching as more and more lights came, he counted at least half a dozen. As they got closer, he could make out they were headlights - Negan and his men, he assumed. They pulled up to the gates and were immediately let in, the first truck barely letting them get the gate open as it skidded in. Out jumped a couple of men, even in the darkness Rick could make out Negan with Lucille draped across his shoulder. He couldn't make out anyone else, all he could make out were outlines of people who happened to walk near the headlights of the vehicles. Everyone got out of their respective vehicles, but no one went inside, instead they all crowded around Negan. He took Lucille off of his shoulder, swinging her from side to side as he addressed the men around him, walking up and down the line of them. At one point, he passed the headlights of a truck, and Rick swore he saw blood on Lucille. 

Rick shivered again, but not from the cold air. He suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable, like whatever Negan was doing right now, he wasn't supposed to see. Keeping his eyes fixed on the scene in front of him, he slowly backed up, and let himself back inside, holding the door as he closed it as softly as possible. At first he wanted to run back to his room, act like he had been there this entire time, but he didn't know if he would bump into Negan, nor if someone would find Rick running through the Sanctuary suspicious enough to tell Negan. Instead he kept his pace as casual as he could, and meandered his way back to his room. As soon as he clicked his door shut behind him, he quickly threw off his day clothes and changed into some shorts and a t-shirt. He picked up the first book he saw and opened it to a page, then just waited. 

Rick must've stared at the same two pages for a good 45 minutes by the time Negan showed up. He paused in the doorway, casting a tired eye over Rick. Rick looked back at him, trying his best to look like he hadn't been waiting.

"I thought I told you not to wait up for me." Negan said eventually. Rick offered a casual half shrug.

"I wasn't, I just couldn't sleep, that's all." Negan watched him for another second or so, before his face split into a small smile as he closed the door behind him.

"You just missed me and my sterling company too damn much, is that right, Rick?" Rick didn't have to feign the eye roll and scoff.

"You think way too highly of yourself." 

Negan chuckled softly at that, he shrugged his jacket off and threw it onto the table, then proceeded to throw himself onto his side of the bed, kicking his boots off as he did so.

"Where's Lucille?" Rick asked, keeping his eyes fixed on the book in front of him. He had noticed her lack of presence the moment Negan had walked through the door.

"Someone's gonna bring her up in a second, I forgot to pick her up when I was coming in." Bullshit. Negan almost always had Lucille with him, he would never just 'forget to pick her up'. Besides, Rick had seen Negan with Lucille in his damn hands when he got out of the truck. 

"Come to bed, darlin'." Negan's voice jolted Rick out of his thoughts. He put the book down and laid down next to Negan, both of them staring at the ceiling. "How's your kid?" Negan asked, looking over at Rick. Rick put his arm behind his head, still looking at the ceiling as he spoke.

"He's doing okay I guess. But he's not got a lot of company at the moment." 

"Kid not got any friends?"

"His friends are either dead or missing." Negan let out a low whistle at that. 

"Well _shiiiit_. No wonder he never seems to lighten up, I'd probably be a miserable fuck too." As Rick opened his mouth to reply, there was a knock at the door. Rick got up and was going towards the door before Negan could even lift his head. Rick threw the door open to be greeted by a face he vaguely recognised, holding Lucille. Rick snatched her away from him and closed the door without saying anything. He looked down at the bat in his hands, and she was... perfectly clean. No blood on her. She felt slightly damp, but that was it. Rick could only assume that was what he saw flick off of her when he was watching Negan. He suddenly felt embarrassed for being so suspicious of Negan not bringing Lucille with him, and mumbled where Negan wanted her. Negan waved his hand to some spot in the corner, then shrugged his jeans off and made himself more comfortable in bed. Rick put her down and quickly joined Negan in bed.

As Rick laid down, Negan snaked an arm around him and pulled him into his side. As they laid there, Rick was fairly certain Negan had fallen asleep he was being so silent, so it caught him by surprise slightly when his voice cut through the darkness of their room.

"You know that story you were telling me this morning? About Carl?" Rick hummed a yeah from where his head was resting on Negan's chest. "How did it end? You never did explain how Carl got out of that one." Rick laughed softly.

"It's not that interesting. When Lori got sick of Shane being an idiot, she started to get up to go help him. As she did, Shane held his hand out to stop her, and did his best 'Officer Walsh' voice as he told her _'These are the situations that will make him a man, Lori'_ ," Rick did his best to giggle quietly at the memory, he remembered at that moment distinctly thinking that Shane was a much braver man than him. "Whilst Lori was tearing several strips off of him, I walked over to Carl, took the ice cream from his hand, and threw it as far down the beach as I could. I swear he cried more over me throwing that damn cone than he did when several dozen birds were swarming him." Despite the fact Rick got into serious trouble with Lori that night, it was a memory that for the rest of his and Shane's days, always made them laugh. Rick could barely stop himself from laughing now. He looked up at Negan, who had that same odd look on his face from that morning. Rick couldn't help but feel slightly uncomfortable by it, choosing to roll over and face away from Negan.

"He could always come stay here." Negan said eventually. "There's room for him, and I think we got some kid's around that are his age too." Rick didn't even need to think about it before he spoke.

"No. He can't. He won't. He wouldn't ever step foot here." He didn't mean for it to come out quite as clipped as it did, but Rick was under no pretence of what Carl thought of Negan and the Saviors. Silence laid thick between the both of them as they laid there.

"He hates us, doesn't he?" Negan didn't sound angry, or upset when he spoke. He said it like he was asking for the time. But all the same, Rick decided it was wiser to not answer that question. He felt Negan shift around slightly behind him, pulling him into the embrace they were so prone to sharing these days. It was just as he was slipping off to sleep, he swore he heard Negan say from behind him.

"Can't say I blame him either."


End file.
